Can't come to terms with baby birthday

[treetop122]

Such a strange one...

I was due my third baby at the end of August 22.
He ended up being 10 days late and was born the beginning of September (totally healthy but traumatic labour with placental abruption during labour).

For some reason I cannot come to terms with his September birthday. I feel like he should have been born in August.

I can't work out if this is because he will now be the oldest in his school year? Which I know will be an advantage anyway.
It could be a response to the 'trauma' of the placenta essentially failing during labour.. he was my most overdue baby by far?

I just can't move past it and I can't put my finger on why?! It's just so silly but is a real niggle for me.

Interestingly my eldest was due in February but came in March and I don't think twice about it.

So has anyone felt similar? He is only 9.5 months old so I'm sure I will get over it but I still think about it, probably daily!

Has anyone felt in a similar way or am I officially mad?

Thanks

Remember that a September baby will statistically do better at school than an August one and you'll get a year longer with your child before they start school. My youngest was due in August but was 2 weeks late and ended up being born in September too and it's worked out really well.

I think you are understandably mad!

It's probably not to do with the birthdate but the trauma of the birth and you've just got stuck on the date.

I had a horrible birth with DS, he ended up in nicu and I had to have a blood transfusion.

The photo of him with a breathing mask comes up on FB every year (not posted by me) and I can still get panicky and teary and have to go find him for a hug as he is now almost 12 and much taller than me.

You'll probably find it will fade and by the time he starts school you'll be fine with it. You might still feel upset about the birth though, it sounds like it was a scary experience and really wasn't long ago.

It's probably not to do with the birthdate but the trauma of the birth and you've just got stuck on the date.

I agree with this. I know several mums who had real difficulty as their babies turned 1. You sort of get lost in the fog of having a baby but the idea of their birthday brings it back and you've generally more time to think about it. You are definitely not mad, and I think it probably gets easier to deal with each year.

Have you had a birth de-brief? It sounds like you are focusing on the date to not have to think of everything else.

You're not mad though.

I think it's probably because being born in August or September is the biggest difference in terms of which month you are born. You had one thing in your head, and it turned out to be something different, it's understandable.

Maybe try and reframe it with the positive. He's now going to be the oldest in his school year which is statistically a great advantage.
As others have said it might be more about the birth trauma rather than the actual date.

I had the opposite - baby due in September but born august. It was a bit of a head shaker because it has made a big difference.

However, I also suspect this is something your feelings about your birth are attaching to. Agree with the pp about getting a north debrief. Are there other things you could to try and help come to terms with it? Journalling? Talking to friends about it? Having a big cry? Some piece of art? Counselling?

Thank you everyone!
Such kind and lovely words.

I didn't have a debrief of the birth and probably should do. Even more of a mad situation in that I was separated from my husband for an ECS but ended up delivering naturally (and with zero pain relief) on the operating table.. so yes trauma is probably quite high. Being my third baby I had other children at home so life just went back to being busy instantly.

Hopefully this feeling will fade as time rolls on. I almost feel like I failed to get him out when I was supposed to.

Thanks everyone. I feel a little less mad.. and maybe just traumatised haha.. which will fade in time x

I am the opposite due September 2nd and born 12 days early. It is an odd one because in England it does make a difference - life would have been so different had I been on time or late and it is an odd one.

the way round you have is also the way you can’t change (DS friend was due Oct 2nd and born August 16th and was held back a year).

i would also agree that it will be linked to the trauma. I also had a traumatic first labour and I think it’s quite hard for a good couple of years to process.

my ds is august and is doing fine but I think being a September baby is definitely advantageous so hopefully by the time school comes round you’ll be glad he came that bit later.

perhaps you could look into counselling or support to help you process the labour.

@Quartz2208
I always had this in the back of my mind when I was pregnant. I could always hold him back a year if he wasn't ready at the time. So having the best of both worlds if needed. But obviously not an option for me now.

I have one August and one September. August baby was behind in a lot of things for the first couple of years at school. September one was more than ready, plus it was nice having that extra year at home with them before they officially started school. Also, as they get older and want friends round for parties, August is a pain because everyone seems to be on holiday so no one is around to celebrate which can be disappointing!

I had thought about birthday parties actually and how that could be a disadvantage.

That's what is so surprising about how I feel. There are so many advantages to him having a September birthday, it makes no sense why I am upset that he wasn't born in august.

It's also such a non issue!.. I have a healthy baby.. so it feeling like such a big issue is so silly!

Thank you everyone for being gently though. Because this is really silly and not really worth thinking twice about (let alone daily!) xx

Hi OP, I understand where you’re coming from. My third baby was due mid-September and born end of August. My other 2DC were 2 weeks overdue. When I went into labour with my third, I was in complete denial about it, and refused to go to the hospital as it was ‘August and he’s not due til September!’. He’s 9 now and I still think about it, not daily, but regularly. I think it’s because an August/September due date in the UK is significant because of when they start school, which is such a big milestone and will at least partially shape their childhood. It’s a bit of a ‘sliding doors’ moment, when you think they could have been in a year below/above, with a different set of friends etc. We didn’t hold ours back a year or anything like that, and he’s been fine generally at school, but I think September/Autumn born kids do generally have an advantage so that’s a positive for your little one.

If it makes you feel better I'll share my own slice of madness.

I went to see the last but one Twilight movie a couple of months after having DS, the one where it ends with her having the baby torn out of her so she doesn't die.

Turns out I found that pretty horrifying to watch so soon after having my own baby cut out of me in an emergency c section, actual running down the hall, crash emergency, so that he wouldn't die/be brain damaged due to lack of oxygen and I was losing blood. They had to mop the floor because of the blood I lost and I didn't see him for 17 hours because I was too sick to be taken to see him, and when I did see him I couldn't hold him for a few more days.

I almost had a panic attack in the cinema next to my nieces, I had to get out of there and calm down because it was so scary.

So I think being slightly obsessed with the birthdate is much less weird than having a panic attack about vampires giving birth!

My friend had a really hard time around her little ones birthday, he should have been later but came earlier. It was a real trigger for her trauma and she felt so much better after meeting the doctor who did her emergency c section.

I see where you’re coming from OP. Completely different situation but my DS1 was due right at the end of January and instead turned up at the beginning of the previous October (born at 24 weeks). Everything was wrong. It wasn’t just everything he went through but also that everything was completely different to what we expected. He’s nearly 18 now and I still wonder what things would have been like if he’d been born much nearer to his due date. His life would be a lot easier for sure.

You’ve acknowledged yourself that being born in September instead of August is the better way round in terms of schooling…. but it wasn’t what you expected and it will make a significant difference in terms of when you were expecting particular milestones. Do seek a birth debrief and take your time adjusting to the situation being different to what you expected. x

Oh bless you! So sorry to hear about your experience (and for sharing your slice of madness)...
I hope things got easier ❤️

Another one who was due August but has a Sept child. It did annoy me a bit as time went on as most of our friends who had kids fell on the Aug side of the divide. The past year (they are 3) has meant we have drifted from a lot of those friends as they're all about schools etc- and that isn't us for another year (though she is ready!).

Even though there is an extra year of childcare, I'm happy she is Sept now- they all seem so small to go to school.

I would say that your annoyance probably is coming from a different place, and a debrief is definitely worthwhile, as is a screening just to check that it isn't a weird manifestation of anything (PND, PTSD etc- mine manifested in some very strange ways)

I feel like I kind of get what you mean.

When I found out I was pregnant, I worked out my estimated due date from my last period and cycle length. It happened to be the fathers birthday which I thought was lovely. When I went for my first midwife appointment, they said I was due a week earlier which I never agreed with as they worked it out on a 28 day cycle which mines has never been. So I couldn’t come to terms with that in the first instance.

As it happens my baby was born very early. I think 8 weeks due to my calculations, officially the NHS classed it as 7 weeks so technically baby was born at 33 weeks gestation. So not only was baby not born in the month I had calculated, they were also not born on in the month the NHS calculated either. Every time I have to write the date or think about it, I just think it “doesn’t go”. Like it’s a shit date, it doesn’t match up with my baby. Just doesn’t feel right.

I totally get it OP. It sounds like your birth was (or felt!) very out of control, and you want to gain some back through controlling the date. It's completely understandable, and definitely worth talking through with someone. (Nb my ds, due at the end of August, was late and is now the eldest in his year. Certainly helped him!)

I think there could a small element of that you "knew" he would be born in August and you had that bit of certainty only it didn't actually happen.

I was booked in to be induced at 42 weeks with DC 4, and I had a huge wobble that at 10pm I still wasn't in labour and they wouldn't have the birthday date I was certain they were going to have. Very bizarre thing to be fixated on!!

As it turned out I got into established labour to delivered in 2 minutes the "right" side of midnight.

@treetop122 yes he's a strapping almost 12 year old now, taller than me and massive feet, like a giant puppy!

Birth can be really hard and can take a while to get over. Hopefully this will improve as your little one is so small, it really will fade away, particularly as you find new things to obsess over as they get older.

Whatever your reasons for struggling with it, I’m sure they will pass in time, especially as your son starts knowing his own birthday and being excited about it.

But mainly, as the mother of a late august boy, I can’t find the words to tell you how lucky you are he’s been born in September. My son is 17 now, and being the youngest in the year has been the bane of his life. Every step of the way it’s made his life harder. In reception he had to abandon his beloved Thomas they Tank Engine bag because the bigger kids laughed at him. As his friends got interested in girls he was excluded as he mainly still liked football. As his peers got jobs he couldn’t, as he was too young. Same with driving. And even now, at the brink of adulthood, he can’t even go clubbing with his mates after A levels unless he gets a fake ID . He’s going on a lads holiday soon, all inclusive, and he’ll have to have a kids wrist band.

Trust me, one day you’ll be really glad he’s a September birthday.

Can relate I had my elective c section booked for a set date and all through my later pregnancy I guess I kind of loved the date when it was moved to another date I was crushed not only absolutely ready to burst and gutted I had to wait a couple more days (I cried that I got two less days in my life without her in it) but it wasn't that date anymore.