Is it OK to only go to the party?

[Aparecium]

Autistic, 16yo ds has a friend who is having his Confirmation soon, with a party the following weekend. We have been invited to both.

Ds does not want to go to either. He does not want to go the service because he is not Christian, and he disagrees with and dislikes Christianity. He won't go to the party because he sees it as hypocritical and grabby to refuse to go to the important, serious, significant part, but then go to the fun part.

I disagree with, but accept, his decision about the service. Though I have tried to explain that it is OK to go to a service that you don't believe in, because you are supporting your friend and sharing their joy. I have also tried to explain that it is OK to go to just the party, but he is definitely not having that.

I suggested that he ask his friend if he can come just to the party, but he refuses, as he thinks it would be rude to ask. I'm not going to suggest he lies and says to his friend, "I can't come", rather than "I won't come."

The discussion has been going round in circles, and I'm losing my sense of what's right. Is it OK to go only to the party, and not to the service? Is it rude to say "I won't come to the service, but can I come to the party?"

He doesn’t want to go to either. Can you not just leave it at that?

He's made th choice that to attend the party without attending the service is hypocritical. He won't attend the service because it goes against his beliefs. Why are you trying to force him to attend something he doesn't want to?

I think it's rude. Plenty of us sit through countless things we may not agree with, or be interested in, religious or otherwise, because we are there to support those to whom it does.

In this case given the party is the following week, he could easily get away with it though, although if he doesn't want to, I'm not sure why you're so keen?

He's made up his mind so why not just leave it?

But I agree with him, it wouldn't seem right to not support his friend in church and then go and enjoy his celebration.

He doesn't want to go to either. A good friend would understand that. Don't make him go.

Are you embarrassed that he won't go?

He’s 16 and doesn’t want to go. End of. I don’t know why you’re trying to make him.

It’s rude to only go to the party. It doesn’t matter what he believes, the day is not about him.
I think I’d leave him at home and go alone and explain that you couldn’t get him to commit.

I think I've read it wrong because I thought as the OP mentioned autism as the first word it was about helping him navigate and maintain friendships rather than forcing him.

I know not all autistic people struggle with this type of thing, but that's what I thought the OP was getting at, helping him show support to friend by showing up for part of it rather than not at all.

I'm autistic myself and kind of agree with your son, some people would see it as unsupportive and a bit shit if you told close friends you won't attend other religious events because you don't believe in what's being said but would happily go to the party.

I imagine a thread where a parent was saying a friend has said they won't attend the christening of their child because they don't believe any of the ceremony but would it be ok to go to the party instead.

I think I've read it wrong because I thought as the OP mentioned autism as the first word it was about helping him navigate and maintain friendships rather than forcing him.

Thank you, yes, exactly this.

I do think he's being rude in not going to the service. It's a major life event for his friend and he should go and support him. His beliefs do not matter. He's not going to be required to do anything.

This.

I do think he's being rude in not going to the service. It's a major life event for his friend and he should go and support him. His beliefs do not matter. He's not going to be required to do anything.

He doesn’t agree with Christianity and feels strong enough to say he doesn’t want to go. All these people that feel they should force him are wrong. He’s not rude, he’s allowed to not go.

Of course he's allowed not to go. But as the OP asked about navigating friendships, I would say that being a friend sometimes means doing things we don't wholly want to or agree with. We put others before ourselves and put ourselves out for people we care about because of things that matter to them. It's about understanding the bigger picture of the relationship and that you will sometimes disagree on small things along the way. That's the friendship lesson here.

However, if he feels strongly enough to not want to go, that's entirely his choice, these things will also crop up, and there's also a lesson here too, but IMHO, it would then be rude to go to the party.