Practical suggestions re friendships

[MaggieBroonofGlebeSt]

I've come to the conclusion that for whatever reason, people just don't like me that much. I've had so many chances over my life to make pals (school, uni, work, neighbours, school parents) and it's just never really happened. I have tried but with limited success. I think I was always a 'secondary' friend and as soon as people's lives got busier I wasn't anyone's priority. There are parents at the school for example who really are mates so it does happen, but just not for me.

I'm not really sure why this is as I think I'm ok. DH doesn't know either but he's biased of course 😀

So.....I'm in my late 40s; pretty much friendless. Do I give up and just keep myself busy with hobbies to have social contact? Anyone have any ideas?

My job is not sociable as I work with two much older guys. I can't change as it's exceptionally well paid compared to similar jobs in the field.

My worry is that it's had an impact on my kids. I know everyone says kids choose their own friends but even for my older child (age 11) I feel that it's not totally true. Lots of his year spend a fair amount of time with kids where their parents are friends. If your face doesn't fit as a parent it definitely makes it harder for the kids, even though my kids seem to be well liked.

Please be kind; am feeling very crap about myself these days.

It's really tough when you lose confidence in yourself. And hard if you don't have much social contact through work.

I think there can be an element of luck/ being right time right place for close friendships. And close friendship groups can also be much less close in reality than they seem from the outside...People must like you if you've had friendships in the past
I think lots of people are more stressed / prioritising friendship less since lockdown, but there will be friendly people near you who are looking for more friends, there always are. It's just a question of finding them. I don't think concentrating on a hobby is giving up, especially if it's one where you see people regularly through it. Is there something new youd like to try / take up?

There are a few things I've considered the snag is always finding the time. I have free time in a way but our evenings are always spent doing stuff for the children and I have no reliable family to help with them at all. DS spends a lot of time playing football and while DH does that I'm at home with DD.

Until recently I did have a really old friend who lives abroad but we were in regular contact. Just texting news or sharing daft news items that we knew each other would like. She's had a very tough time in her personal life and has totally vanished. I've tried to keep up contact to check in on her, but get nothing back. It's lonely when you don't have a single person apart from your spouse to talk about anything more than small talk.

I do think it must be me though. I've been aware of this issue for ages and I followed lots of great MN advice about keeping it light, making an effort but knowing when to back off etc etc. Tried but it made no difference 😁

I did a school mum a (very small) favour recently and she said 'you are always so kind' so I don't think people think I'm awful; I just get overlooked for whatever reason and that's kind of the story of my life tbh.

Wow it could be me writing this!
I feel awful guilt for the kids too especially in summer when ppl are all out with their friends and family and my kids are stuck with just me!

Its getting me down a lot lately so ive decided to start doing yoga one evening a week at least to learn to put myself out there a bit more. My job is also not that social and tbh a bit embarrassing when i have no social life to speak of.

But if your son or daughter was having a tough time making friends you'd see that it wasn't their fault so give yourself the same care and consideration

Feel for you op. Met a few mams today which was lovely but finding months can pass. Hobbies weird as it fizzled out nobody wants keep contact up I did try. You do wonder should it be this hard...

If I'm honest, from what I have seen with other people, one of the best ways of making friends is by going to church. They seem to have so much going on there and, if I was the least bit religious, it is something I would seriously consider.
Could you volunteer for the school PTA? Might be a way of getting to know the school mums a bit better.
I do two different volunteering things, and I wouldn't say that I have made friends such that I would go out with anyone on a one to one basis, I enjoy being there and the camaraderie with other adults whilst I am there. I understand this might be difficult for you if you work FT and don't have much time at the weekends.
How old is DD? Would she be able to do a Park Run with you? I think they have them for children as well as their parents. Or is she old enough to be a Rainbow or Brownie? If you volunteer to help there, you will be dragged in with open arms!! I have a friend who does this and, from the outside, it seems to have totally taken over her life (in a good way) and I do know that she has made good friends doing this.

My MIL has people literally walk up to her on the street (she's not told me this; I've seen it) and chat to her then they exchange phone numbers and they're friends. Ok she lives in a small place but she is just that type of person and though we get on she's not necessarily 'nice' particularly which is what people so often claim they look for in friendships. So I don't know...I think some people just aren't very good at the social thing. Me being one of those people!

I could have written this OP. It’s very hard, I’m not sure what to suggest. I joined our local religious place of worship and have had the same issue. Managed to alienate one mum immediately (the Queen bee) and she’s been polite but v cool ever since. The others I can’t seem to get to know at all even though their faces are familiar.

I also work full time and have zero (literally zero) family support. I suspect this is one of the by products of that.

And my kid doesn’t seem to get asked on any play dates - we’ve asked a few parents but some have outright blanked me (didn’t respond to whatsapp), others demurred, others obliged but then never returned the invite. I’m at a loss really and feel very guilty for my kid.