Improving my relationship with neurodiverse son?

[Sazzle2012]

My DS is aged 12, in year 7. He's a great lad in so many ways, funny, creative, loving and excels academically so no issues really at school but he can be really tricky to get on with at home - possibly due to potential ASD (we're waiting for a full assessment but initial one indicated higher functioning autism).

This past few months has been particularly bad with his mood swings and picking on his younger brother. Not sure if puberty is making things worse but this isn't really new behaviour for him, just ramped up.
Sometimes he'll just wake up in a bad mood, start being disruptive and rude to us all, making constant noises and being physically aggressive, like he's trying to provoke a reaction. If he feels upset he'll hold a grudge, sometimes for days, taking it out on us all.
We try our best to be patient but it's so bloody difficult, especially if he's being verbally abusive or pushing his younger brother around (younger DS is 10 and has a very calm, happy disposition and I feel so guilty I can't seem to stop his older brother being horrid to him. The behaviour goes beyond typical sibling stuff, before anyone says it's that).

I want to improve my relationship with my DS but don't know where to start. It's like we're in a negative cycle now as his behaviour triggers me to the point I find it difficult to be around him. I don't want him going through his teenage years feeling estranged from me. He also struggles with his friendship group as he can get aggressive with them too if he feels upset, which also worries me as I don't want him to become socially isolated.

Has anyone been in similar situation with neurodiverse child/ teen and been able to maintain a good relationship with them?

Identical to mine

but…. I find if we have one to one time, initially starts fraught but by the end of it we remember why we love each other so much

the 1-2-1 is all about what he likes. So I go to cinema to see stuff I have zero interest in, or watch him on Xbox or endlessly throw balls to him at different angles to practise cricket catches

Ausome Training (based in Cork, Ireland, you will find by googling) have very helpful courses about parenting your Autistic child. They also have courses for Autistic kids that might help your son.
Also, consider the possibility you might be Autistic yourself. Many parents of Autistic kids only discover their own identity after their children are diagnosed. This might be in part why his behaviours (e.g. constant noises) annoy you like they do.

adhd btw

and meds help a lot

Adhd too?

Always think sensory overload. He might not be aware of finding things too loud / bright / busy / overwhelming, but for me (autistic and adhd), pacing sensory input has been key to regulating myself. It seems to be for my kids too.

Let him have loads of down time, reduce non negotiable demands, accept that school might be really draining for him and he might just need to decompress.

Recognise meltdown as a neurological event and not bad behaviour. He isn’t enjoying it either.

It’s not magic, but looking at everything from a sensory perspective really helps ime.

Thanks so much, really good tips. It helps to get perspective from others as being on the inside of the situation makes me forget.

@HandsupSue we used to do 'mummy 1:1 time' when he was younger, going back to that may be a good idea.

@MistyFrequencies @FatGirlSwim , I'm definitely on the spectrum for sure (but undiagnosed). I really identify with having sensory processing disorder, so maybe that's why his constant noises (which I think are soothing for him) drive me mad!

Can you go private for the assessment