My life has gone to shit

[MiserableNC]

And I dont know what to do. I am in my late 40's, divorced and single, with shared custody of teenage children. I left emotionally abusive DH 4 years ago and was chuffed with myself. He managed to meet a younger, slimmer version almost immediately, just to rub in how unimportant I was. But I swallowed my hurt and we have managed to create a reasonable co-parenting relationship. Then lockdown happened, which was horribly isolating. Then I was diagnosed with a progressive pain health condition. Then I lost my job due to a combination of my pain issues and lockdown. I now spend far too much time alone since I am currently too unwell to work, and my teens are with me one week on, one week off and I miss them. I had hoped to meet someone after the divorce, but that has been blown out of the water, who wants to date an over weight, unwell, depressed middle aged woman?

Sorry to hear that OP, hope you are doing ok. Are there any little things you can do to make life better / more bearable? E.g. work on your weight, do things to improve your health condition, start to really look after yourself as well as you are able? Focus on the small steps, keep taking them, rather than looking at the big picture. Slowly slowly surely things will hopefully improve.

I don't know but I sympathise. The stress of being with my abusive ex I am sure is the reason I have developed a horrible auto immune neurological condition. It feels really unfair.

@SweetSakura I have an autoimmune pain condition!

@greenstrawberry dont know where to start

@MiserableNC that doesn't surprise me, I am sure the stress of living with DV is a big trigger for autoimmune conditions

One thing that stands out in your story (with which I sympathise enormously), is your rhetorical question, "Who would want to date....etc....?" - and with that in mind, maybe you could try to reframe how you are thinking to take the emphasis off the dating (or not) aspect of your life.
How about - and I do not mean this to be patronising - find ways in which you can find things about yourself that give you a sense of worth and self-respect?
If you already have skills or qualities that you can build on, that's a great start.

This is not to say that dating isn't important - because, if you think it is, then it is - but please don't let someone else's opinion of you be the only way you see yourself....

My life went to shit in 2022. Every month that passed my life just got worse and worse, so many unfortunate events hitting one after the other. Towards the end of the year I lost a parent too, that was the cherry on the cake and I couldn’t take anymore and fell into a state. When the new year kicked in, that was it, I was sick of the shit, I was sick of everything spinning out of control and loosing everything, I decided 2023 was a fresh start.
I’m putting things into my life to try to make it better, starting blocks as it were. I’m moving house, leaving my ex, started the gym, looking for a new job. It’s going ok I guess but some days I still faulter and feel like shit and that I’m the biggest looser life has seen. I’ve decided it takes longer than a year to start again in life so now I’m taking this year to put the foundations in place, all ready for next year, when I will actively try to get my life on some sort of stable track.

It takes time, but you can take small steps to make changes if you want to. It’s hard though, seeing through the fog and trying to make sense of it all, but it can be done.

Hope things pick up for you soon

I agree with pp. why is you worth framed by a man wanting you? Do things for you as another poster said, not the big picture but focus on the pixels bit by bit.

I have a condition with a poor prognosis but for now I’m ok and I do things for me/make small steps towards feeling well and content as best I can.

Start with positive self-nurturing. A good meal, a bath, a walk, a good book - really focus on self-care. See how you get on after a couple of months.

Also op a bad year isn’t tied to who you are as a person. It’s just life. The more we live on the more life there is, that’s how I think anyway. I had an awful year a few years ago, it’s as if life decided to bloody rain everything in one year. Although I know that’s probably crap advice for your condition and I know how rubbish that can be but don’t place your worth on a bad year.

You sound lonely and fed up OP. I honestly wouldn't focus on what your ex is doing. You've got him out of your life and built a reasonable co-parenting relationship, which is all you need - apart from that I think I'd work on ignoring him as much as possible.

Have you had any therapy or done the Freedom Programme or done any reading to try to understand why you fell for him and how you might avoid someone like him in future? Recovery and moving on from abuse can take time, work and soul-searching and I honestly wouldn't be focusing on dating or the lack thereof until you're confident that you could spot an abuser in future. There are plenty of women on MN who can point you in the right direction for recovery and moving on from an abusive relationship.

As for everything else, and in terms of addressing your loneliness and isolation, what would you like to do? Join a book group? Take a language class? Learn to crochet? Do a painting class? I recently started an online evening class, so while it's run from London, you could do it from absolutely anywhere. Since the pandemic, it seems that online classes are much more readily available than they used to be, so even if your pain condition makes getting out difficult, there are bound to be things you can do socially from home.

Hello,

Well done for leaving and I'm sorry your feeling so low at the moment.

I'd also recommend The Freedom Programme.

Sending a big virtual hug, keep swimming!

Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. Could you try arranging some nice things for yourself on the week
you don’t have your DC? Do you have any friends yet could meet or go and watch a movie?

Thanks for kind messages, I feel like I have just run out of steam with everything, but I will take advice and see if I can be kinder to myself

I developed a couple of autoimmune diseases following the sudden and traumatic death of my son. The first 4 years were hellish and I was in hospital a lot.
I got a lot of support on MN. TBH I think over the first few months the bereavement board on here saved me.
I found support locally from other bereaved mums and patient support groups.
I am almost 7 years on and beginning to feel better physically.
It takes a long time and all you can do is what you can manage.
I agree with everyone saying be kind to yourself, try to look outwards when you can and look for small things you can do locally to meet people.
I found reading very therapeutic and a local book club might be something you could manage.
For much of the first year I could barely walk and I was on steroids which made me pile on the weight and blow up like a balloon. I developed osteoporosis as a result of the steroids and have had several fractures.
I have a lot of pain but I am working my way up the drug ladder and things are improving.
My surviving children left home and it was a very hard time.
But I am slowly feeling better.
You will begin to feel better, but it takes time.

@endofthelinefinally . I am so sorry what a huge amount life threw at you. I ballooned from steroids too, I can barely recognise my own reflection..and i got Cushings so badly I was bedbound till we worked out what was going on .

Any tips for recovery or do you think it was just time and. healing?

@SweetSakura
I think it really has been time and disciplining myself to rest when necessary and not feel guilty.
I was a very hard worker and spent my life volunteering, working in the NHS, being very capable and independent. Being reduced to a complete wreck was horrendous. My whole life was turned upside down in one dreadful day.
I completely lost sight of who I was.
I try to eat fresh food, walk as much as I can, take my meds and keep in touch with family and friends.
I lost my driving licence because of my illness and that was very hard to deal with and managing buses when I needed a walking stick was hard.
But I just keep going.
I think it really is just time.

I hugely sympathise, it must have been a tremendous shock in so many horrible ways. I am glad to hear you have made progress. It must have taken so much strength

Same boat op - auto immune rheumatoid arthritis, and pernicious anaemia. Put on 2 stone a
as immobile where used to run 3 x a week walk and do hitt and yoga .

I'm 51. My ex also moved on within 3 months but we don't have children so clean break .

I've stopped trying tbh . I'm concentrating on my health (hopefully on the right track now ) my friends and my hobbies .

I made some great friends where I moved to so I'm busy , plus I work full time . I recently had a brief fwb arrangement and realised I couldn't wait for him to leave ! I am so used to my own space now I struggle to share it .

I haven't ruled out a future relationship, I've just stopped wishing for it , and enjoying what I do have instead .

This weekend Im treating myself to a few beauty treatments, then im goi g for cocktails with my neighbours! I'll make an effort (you never know who you might bump into eh !?)

But im so much happier now I've come off date apps, and stopped chasing something that feels unattainable.

I definitely love my alone time , I like sleeping when I want , eating what I want when I want and having no one to answer to .

Im struggling with my mobility at present but hope that's temporary until I have a treatment plan . I just accept what I can't do and enjoy what I can .

I have a similar condition and have had shocking health.

There literally is only way out of this. It took me 15 years to really understand how I could get any quality of life back. The pain clinic is an excellent resource if you can ask to be referred?

So every day is devoted to getting better op. That is your job for now.
Start with warm baths every day - the most gentle of exercise- walking, swimming, gentle yoga and stretching. Anything to get you moving. Every day for an hour.

You care and tend to your body with cooking anti inflammatory food to bring down inflammation and your reactivity. You look after your skin, your teeth, every inch you start to tend.

Make nutritious food from scratch.
If you can - do a few things every day to make your home beautiful and welcoming.

Bring the outside in with plants and flowers.

Wish the poor woman well currently saddled with your ex husband. Be truly thankful you are no longer further harmed by him, sadly she WILL be next.

Go on the counselling wait list, process everything that has happened to you.

Do not stop your well being programme when your teens are home. Show them how to care for themselves.

This time has purpose and meaning. It’s about fixing you for the long term. The way forward looks brighter, fitter, leaner and properly stronger. You can do this op. The weight loss that will follow will help your body and disease - your mental health will improve and your self esteem and confidence will improve instantly. From day one.

I arrived on crutches, and although I won’t run a marathon any time soon the quality of my life is unrecognisable. One painful step at a time. Your central nervous system has been overwhelmed living with dv it is possible to bring it back to normal levels slowly.

So this is mainly about loneliness? And coming to terms with singledom?

It's a hard stage of life you're at. Big changes anyway with DC growing up and needing you less plus menopause etc.

A parent's job is to bring up independent DC ready to function as adults in the world and this means dealing with the empty nest syndrome. Maybe you've been fast tracked into that a bit with the divorce and the week on/week off thing. I've got no experience of the empty nest thing myself, maybe you can find out what do others do to deal with it?

Your ex is not as strong as you so he's went out and got a replacement with the focus on looks it seems. Don't feel jealous of their inevitably dysfunctional relationship. He didn't suddenly change and not become abusive upon divorce.

Your illness sounds life changing which is a big thing for anyone to deal with. Is there a support group for the condition that you could attend, to help you through the shock of adjusting to your new situation?

I don't think you need to give up dating if you don't want to. Maybe take a break to adjust first, so you don't go getting together with the first person who'll have you without considering whether they're right for you. Being overweight definitely isn't a barrier to dating, beauty comes in many forms and people have different preferences.

Being unwell doesn't necessarily preclude you from the dating scene either. You're a person, not a disease. Nobody is perfect and there's always a "but", this is yours. That doesn't mean you can't be someone's ideal person and your "but" doesn't bother them. It might even be an early warning system for weeding out the total waste of space types. I mean, look who Ms Young Slim And Presumably Nice has ended up with!

If you want to do something about losing weight you can look into options for that. Obviously it's not going to be as easy as just doing some exercise, with your health concerns, but that doesn't mean you can't ever lose weight, there might be a way.

Maybe you should try find places to go so you're not stuck inside churning it all over in your head so much. Are you being treated for the depression too? Or do you just need to change your life to shake it off? Even if it's the latter, medication might be needed temporarily to give you the motivation to do make the changes.

The week your teenage children are not with you, indulge yourself.
Make easy but nutritious food or smoothies.
Bunch of flowers.
Fresh coffee and a new mug.
Pot of speciality tea and a China cup and saucer.
Burn your favoured candle.
Bath oil or salts and a long soak in the tub.
Choose a new book and sit in the garden just pretend you are on holiday.
Fresh bed linen.
Wash, Condition and blow dry your hair.
Listen to your favourite music.

Treat yourself a new fluffy white cotton towelling dressing gown Try and enjoy your week alone, relax and and be kind to yourself.

You need to very literally love bomb yourself and you will feel better I promise you.

Thank you everyone. Some lovely, lovely messages here. I will take on board lots of your suggestions.

And 💐to those of you who have been dealt a tough hand, thank you for sharing your stories x

Yes op please be kinder and easier on yourself, sounds cheesy but be your best friend and change your inner dialogue to a best friend. Focus on small steps. All the best.