Birthday reminding me of everything I don't have

[fallenbehind90]

Hi guys,

I don't really know why I'm posting here...just to make sense of my thoughts and feelings I suppose.

I'm 33 this week and the reality of how old I am and how far away from where I want to be is becoming apparent. For context, I had anorexia from the ages of 13-26 and this involved a lot of treatment and hospital stays etc. Although I achieved well academically and went to uni I was unable to participate in normal life and did not hold down a full time job until the age of 28.

I am very lucky that my parents helped me buy a house where I live alone and I now work full time in a job I love. Recovery is ongoing (and will be forever) but I am doing well. I have a lovely bf of two years - we live separately. I have a tiny 2 bed house and he has a little shared ownership flat and, to my mind, it doesn't make sense to cram us both into a small space just for the sake of living together, especially as we both appreciate our own space. With the cost of living crisis and neither of us being particularly high earners, i can't see how we would ever be able to buy a house together, let alone get married and have children.

My biological clock is ticking loudly and every engagement and pregnancy announcement from my friends cuts deep (obviously I am very happy for them, I just wish I could have what they do). I'd love to have a family but given that bf and I don't even live together or have enough money to buy a property that would comfortably house 2 people I worry that it will never happen. I am getting older and my fertility is probably shot anyway due to the years of malnutrition. Bf doesn't seem to understand this, he uses the example of 40 year olds who get pregnant and have children but the likelihood of this happening for us is very slim due to the abuse my body endured from anorexia. He wants kids too but we are not in a position to have them and I don't know if we ever will be.

I just wish I had got a grip earlier and engaged with treatment sooner - then I wouldn't have had so many years out of work and I would likely be in a better position now. I just feel like I will never catch up with my peers. I have applied for a masters degree that would improve my earning potential but it lasts 14 months so I would be 35 by the time we might have enough money for a family. Bf is looking for new jobs but is not in an especially highly paid sector.

I know I should be grateful - I have my own house, I am a healthy weight and participating in life, I have a good relationship with my family which is a miracle given the hell I have put them through. But I'm not where I want to be and I don't know if i can ever get there.

I hope you are proud of yourself for what you have achieved in your life so far, you should be. From the outside, your life sounds very successful - having overcome a serious illness, good relationship, a job, home owner etc. Have you asked your GP about fertility? They might be able to give you more information to help you decide what to do.

I think most, or at least many of us feel like this, from time. Try to stick to comparing to where you were rather than where others are. The people you are comparing yourself to have their own problems and ups and downs.

Your thinking is still not healthy, sadly. You didn’t put your parents through anything. You had a serious, life threatening illness. You didn’t choose not to engage with therapy and miss out on years of your life. You had a serious, life threatening illness. As you know, many people never recover. You have (accepting that it’s a life long process…fellow recovered anorexic here).

You can’t change the past but you have agency over the future. Your plan to study and potentially conceive after 35 seems fine and sensible to me. You may struggle to conceive but then you may struggle at 33. Or not. There is no way of knowing for sure, though you could look into fertility testing if it’s important to you.

Most of all you need to be kind to yourself in the present and look to your own needs now. Perhaps therapy might still help?

@TulipofAmsterdam thank you for your reply. I have come off the pill and am getting my hormone levels tested but I have no period so I don't think it will be good news. An endocrinologist did tell me at the age of 28 that if I wanted children I needed to do it sooner rather than later but I wasn't in any position to have a child then.

@TheProvincialLady you are right - we can't change the past and can only work with what we've got, which is the attitude I usually try to take. I think the upcoming birthday is just a bit of a marker of how old I am and how I haven't achieved what I wanted to by this age. Thank you for your kindness and congratulations on also being in recovery. And again, you are right - some of the girls I was in hospital with have died, and others' bodies are beginning to fail now. I need to try to focus on what I DO have, not what I don't.

About your masters - in 14 months time you will be 35 regardless, the only difference is will you have done a masters or not. Is there anything better you could do for your earning potential in the same time?

@OakElmAsh I don't think so unfortunately. I have reached the top of where I can go without further qualifications. It is only recently that I have really discovered what career path I want to go down without the anorexic noise distracting me (at the age of 21 I did a PGCE because teaching was one of the few jobs I could think of that didn't involve sitting at a desk. Standing meant burning more calories) so I am very behind in that respect.

You don't seem particularly "behind" to me. You sound like someone doing well, but who is grieving for having suffered so greatly with a difficult illness.

Life isn't a race.

Also, whilst 14 months seems like a long time from this side of it - once you start, it will fly by.

Op don’t let your house stop you moving forward sun your relationship if that’s what you want. A 2 bed house is fine for a couple, and even a baby too. We had our frost DC in a small two bed, we’ve moved now but it was absolutely fine to start with.