Do cheaters change?

teachermumjuggle · 2023-06-13T08:18:59+00:00

I separated from my husband in August. He has been in a new relationship at least since January and divorce is underway. I haven't really been actively looking ...could live without another man forever. I had a very handsome builder come and quote me for some work to my house back in February. Recently he has been messaging me and we just happen to keep being in the same place at the same time. It's getting a bit more flirty so I did a back ground check with a friend as we live in a small town and I know he has two children from a marriage that ended years ago and a relationship before that. Anyway, she told me that both those relationships ended with him cheating. He seems a nice guy so I was surprised. However, we are both 40 and things happen. But that has concerned me. I don't intend to marry this man....but do I run now......or give it a chance. I'm conflicted. The excited teenage bubble has burst a bit!

Catsmere · 13/06/2023 09:20

Run. He’s a serial cheater.

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 09:21

That was my instinct but then that was all about ten years ago so maybe I shouldn't be so judgy.....

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LolaSmiles · 13/06/2023 09:22

It depends on the circumstances of the cheating in my opinion.

I think people can make a mistake and bad choices in a relationship, learn from it and move on. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater.

But if someone is a serial cheater like this man then I'd run for the hills. I'd be worried about looking over my shoulder every 5 seconds or waiting for the inevitable.

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 09:24

On the other hand....as I'm not really up for a relationship, is he a safe bet for a marriage rebound as he is clearly a shit anyway and forwarded is forearmed.....

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Jazzybean · 13/06/2023 09:26

DH and I were both serial cheaters before we got married. You could say we deserved each other! (I would put it down to both being massive people pleasers tbh, but in a misplaced, trying to keep everyone happy way) We have been together and very much monogamous for a long time now. I’m sure plenty of MNetters will be betting on our demise though 😂

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 09:27

I love that story. Every saucepan has a lid. You maybe just hadn't found your person!

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MyNameisMathilda · 13/06/2023 09:29

A man who hits on his customers? You would always be wondering when he was out on a job...you could have him as a FB for a while but what about if you got emotionally invested which is likely to happen especially after such a short time since your marriage break up. I've known a man like this and yes he was a serial cheat. Of course he sounds like a "nice guy"- they always are when on the prowl. I would also bet my last dollar he is currently in a relationship. Men like this don't stay single. I didn't listen either and ended up in a real mess.

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 09:32

That's true. I hadn't thought of the customer able. Although we've more been chatting in the school pick up line since then so I hadn't really connected that. It was just a conversation opener really. But very good points.

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Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 09:34

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 09:32

That's true. I hadn't thought of the customer able. Although we've more been chatting in the school pick up line since then so I hadn't really connected that. It was just a conversation opener really. But very good points.

Customer angle even....can't type and walk two dogs at the same time!

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Makemyday99 · 13/06/2023 09:40

I don’t believe that if you cheat once you’ll cheat again, it’s not that black & white but that if someone’s values & morals surrounding fidelity within a relationship differ from yours (you would never cheat regardless of circumstances for example) then I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with that person

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 09:42

Living in a small town makes it worse. Everyone would know so he would have done that not worrying that everyone knew. But then he might have been perfectly behaved for ten years!

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Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 12:11

And he has told me that he recently had an ADHD diagnosis. This could be in response to him knowing he has struggled in the past with cheating. Or am I just clutching because he is so pretty 🤣🤣

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YoSof · 13/06/2023 12:17

Hmm a lot of red flags OP.

Is he being treated for ADHD? For some sufferers, they chase the “high” all the time and this manifests as cheating - I speak from experience and obviously not everyone with ADHD cheats, but there’s a lot of information linking the two.

Also being forward enough to come on to a customer? I’d always be wondering what he was up to when he was at work with his history.

I would throw this one back.

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 12:23

I am on the fence about the customer thing because he was actually really professional about the work thing. And talking to him at school initially was quite professional. It's about 4 months later with him definitely not doing the work as I found a better quote and I'm ashamed to say that I probably started flirting with him first.....😊😊😊...he is so pretty🤣. But all those points are definitely what the logical and rational part of my brain untainted by the lovely eyes and fabulous builder tan is leading me towards!

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Booklover40 · 13/06/2023 12:24

Hmm, I cheated many moons ago before I met dh but I was young and selfish and hadnt really grown up at that point. This man has cheated multiple times and within a marriage with children - not just some casual relationship when he was young.

Throw in the (oversharing IMO) adhd diagnosis - I’d be wondering is he possibly getting this in there as a convenient excuse for any shitty behaviour going forwards? I’d also be worried that he regularly tries to get off with any female client who reciprocates his advances - he sounds like a bit of a player. If you do decide to take it further proceed with caution is my advice! No harm in having a shag though 😂

Affairnot · 13/06/2023 12:25

Jazzybean · 13/06/2023 09:26

DH and I were both serial cheaters before we got married. You could say we deserved each other! (I would put it down to both being massive people pleasers tbh, but in a misplaced, trying to keep everyone happy way) We have been together and very much monogamous for a long time now. I’m sure plenty of MNetters will be betting on our demise though 😂

Ditto- we both had a few one night stands while dating. Monogamously married 30 years now.

tillytoodles1 · 13/06/2023 12:28

I know a man who's recently married for the fourth time. The three previous marriages all ended when he started cheating with the next wife to be.
I don't think serial cheats ever change.

Bluebells1970 · 13/06/2023 12:29

Have a flirt, enjoy it for what it is. But don't go there!

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 13/06/2023 12:33

Booklover40 · 13/06/2023 12:24

Hmm, I cheated many moons ago before I met dh but I was young and selfish and hadnt really grown up at that point. This man has cheated multiple times and within a marriage with children - not just some casual relationship when he was young.

Throw in the (oversharing IMO) adhd diagnosis - I’d be wondering is he possibly getting this in there as a convenient excuse for any shitty behaviour going forwards? I’d also be worried that he regularly tries to get off with any female client who reciprocates his advances - he sounds like a bit of a player. If you do decide to take it further proceed with caution is my advice! No harm in having a shag though 😂

I'm kind of on the no harm in having a shag and checking out the builders tan lines. At least I know what I'm dealing with. A bit of a scumbag by the sound of it! Not sure it's worth being playground gossip. I think the cheating in his second relationship was before they got married and they worked through it and got married anyway. Subsequent cheating was rumours and the general town gossip about reason for their split (don't feel sorry for him there if it's not true as he clearly has form)....but then my husband having an affair is being talked about around town as the reason for our split and I know that isn't true! Not that I have corrected people 😈 just kept a dignified silence 🤣

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Catsmere · 13/06/2023 12:59

Gawd, don’t start minimising his behaviour! He could be lying about having ADHD and just be a man who won’t - not can’t, won’t - keep it in his trousers. Pretty or not, I’d stay well away from him.

Original poster

teachermumjuggle · 17/06/2023 07:47

So, update. He has been having counselling for last three years to deal with the issues he has had in the past. Would that change things? I need the internet to make my choices🤣I make bad ones🤣.

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Catsmere · 17/06/2023 12:52

teachermumjuggle · 17/06/2023 07:47

So, update. He has been having counselling for last three years to deal with the issues he has had in the past. Would that change things? I need the internet to make my choices🤣I make bad ones🤣.

He says he’s been having counselling. Is there any reason to believe him?

Seriously, he sounds far more trouble than he’s worth, whether for a quick shag (as you think)or anything else. This isn’t the sort of man you want to let into your life, let alone your bed, for any reason.

rwalker · 17/06/2023 13:01

Anyone can change it more do they want to change

PbSandwiches · 17/01/2024 15:24

What does it mean if the person who cheated is asking you what you would like to do ie stay or go