Travel - So how do other divorced couples do this?

[Aintnosupermum]

I have spent my married life in the US and I’m still here. Divorced a year. We have 3 children all with their own unique set of challenges (2 with ASD/ADHD and 1 with dyslexia/ADHD). It’s full on but we have childcare

I leave on Friday for a 2 week trip back to the UK. His parents are in Denmark and I’m taking 4 days out of my trip to take the children to see his family because he has chosen not to do the trip this summer as he hasn’t been well (in hospital earlier in the year for about 2 weeks, blood clots etc so perfectly reasonable not to travel). I’m focused on what is best for the children. He keeps cancelling plans because of his health so I offered to take them over to see his parents. The children are so excited.

It was handover today. No letter provided with permission to travel despite asking now 4 times. I email and ask nicely, sending a link to the US requirements. He comes back with needing passport numbers, issues and expiry dates. Fine, I immediately email back that info. He then informs me he needs to call the UK and Danish embassies to confirm what the requirements are before he writes a letter.

We normally did 2-3 trips back to Europe to see family each year and 1-2 holidays. I’ve been on my own traveling with the children and yes always had a letter giving his permission. This year he has said he doesn’t want me taking the children to euro Disney or Anne Frank museum because he doesn’t think the children will be safe. Fine (well I’m not fine with it). We can go to legoland.

so how the heck do other divorced parents navigate this?!? I know he is being unreasonable but I’m so fed up of the constant bloody back and forth. He is being incredibly difficult with everything.

I'm a lone parent and not once have I ever had to get permission to travel with DS from my ex. I have never been stopped at security or asked any questions. We live in the UK though. Are the laws in the US much stricter?

What's his relationship with his parents like? Drop them a mail and say you might have to cancel the trip and why... only you know if that will make him dig his heels in or write it.

Just write the letter yourself and take it to him to sign.

Take a letter for him to sign and tell him he can sign it or you will call his parents to let them know their grandchildren visit is cancelled because he won't sign the letter. Simple.

I’ve always been asked for permission even when married. Uk immigration even called him while I sat there waiting with 3 young children on my own. It makes sense they border staff check this.

Parents, especially mothers, running from the US with the children is a problem. The US doesn’t recognize emotional abuse and even with domestic violence, they don’t change the contact with the father for the children unless you can prove the children are affected by the abuse. This is why every single week there are multiple amber alerts for children who go missing. A mother or grandparent has invariably ‘snatched’ the child.

His parents are older so only Nokia phone. He is the golden child and can do no wrong. It’s always been that way and I have always been made to feel like I’m being difficult.

I don’t think his mother could ever find fault with her son. He has been rather horrible over the years and she always has an excuse. I work too hard, I don’t work hard enough with the children, I don’t do enough housework, I should make more of an effort to support him are all things thrown at me. His father always agrees with his mother and backs her up, no matter how unreasonable the behavior.

The only reason I’m going to his parents is because the of the children. They were promised a trip and he is now telling the children that because I’m making him pay for flights on my trip, he can’t afford to take them at Christmas. Not anything close to the truth. The man is an exceptionally high earner who hasn’t paid anything towards the children in a year since the divorce. I earn well too thank goodness and all he is expected to cover is 50% of the cost of the flights for the children for this trip. I’m expected to contribute the same for his trip at Christmas.

Anyway, I drafted a template and sent it to him. All he has to do is sign in front of a notary. It’s $6 and around the corner from him. He will of course stop by to drop it off at 7pm in the middle of bedtime, linger like a bad smell, causing maximum disruption then make out that I’m controlling.

I feel your pain!
Like a pp I now just write the letter and get him to sign it (UK based so never used a notary) . I facilitated similar for my kids last Christmas, when it emerged at very short notice that despite promises being made, no one had actually planned a trip to the grand parents. Like you I do these things for my children, it's frustrating, but if it protects them from hurt then it's worth it