What is your 24 year old son like?

[UmbrellaWeather]

My DH is 30, his brother is 24.

DH gets pissed off because BIL is pandered to by MIL and FIL. Examples are:

He has never been told to get a job. He has never even gone for an interview or applied for anything. They say he has no confidence and hopes he grows into himself in his 30s 🤨

He won't learn to drive or take public transport (I know this doesn't make you an adult, but it does help your independence). This means DH is often asked to get him from A to B or pick him up to take him somewhere. He refuses to walk and gets angry if nobody gives him a lift. DH has said no a few times now, but MIL and FIL get annoyed as they end up taking him. He won't get a taxi either, they say he is 'too shy'.

DH could say anything and MIL will try and get BIL invited. Example, DH is going to Manchester for an event with his work. MIL has asked him to invite his brother. DH has explained its a work thing but MIL is still saying he should say to his brother and take him down and spend time with him after work. I dont even think BIL would care to go, maybe this comes from her. DH feels like a 24 year old man is his 'kid brother' that he has to take with him everywhere or something. DH just wants to see his work friends, or any friends, without having to invite his brother and arrange everything around him. He has stopped mentioning things to them now.

He even wants to meet DH at ours instead of just meeting him wherever they're going.

BIL doesn't have any social life except DH or dating history (as far as we know). Doesn't make you grown up, but gives you some life experience, and seems a natural part of a mid-20 year olds life.

MIL and FIL talk about him and treat him like he is a 14 year old. My own brother is 17, has a job, drives, studies, has his own social life, his own hobbies, has confidence, talks like an adult etc. If you put them next to each other, you'd think my brother was much older. BIL acts like a teenager and is sadly very socially uncomfortable.

DH has mentioned this to his parents. They say it's 'normal' and they never pushed DH to come out of his shell or anything as DH was just a different personality. DH feels like they are enabling him and making life harder for him. However, I personally feel like it's their business and DH should just stop the lifts, stop mentioning where he is going and what he's up to, but DH said he doesn't want to keep making excuses or lying (which I get).

I don't think this is normal for a 24 year old though?

[UmbrellaWeather]

No, they haven't lost a DC in the past, unless there was a miscarriage/something we don't know about. Yes, it's very unhealthy. I often think MIL in particular loves them very much, but treats them like little boys. FIL has quit every job he's ever had, and doesn't believe in 'pushing' as he calls it. They are also very paranoid about either of them getting hurt. They never let them ride a bike, or swim, for example. It's very strange tbh. If DH has a cold, it's as though he is dying etc.

I don't think speaking to him alone would work. He is very attached to them.

[TonTonMacoute]

Definitely not normal.

DS is 24, graduated 2 years ago, lives independently in London (250 miles away) can't get a paid job in publishing but is working as an intern. Has loads of friends from university, and has made new local ones.

Has had a few girlfriends but current one is very nice they like going off for weekends.

He hasn't got a driving license sorted, and various other things that drive me mad, he needs a bomb up him sometimes which drives me mad, so not perfect! 😀

[GeraltsBathtub]

DP and I both also have 24 year old siblings. That’s definitely not normal. When we were 24 we bought our house! Among our siblings and their friends not all of them have moved out or learnt to drive but they’ve all got jobs and are capable of taking the bus. I mean, a 10 year old can use public transport. It sounds like maybe he is depressed, if he doesn’t have any social life either - unless he socialises purely online? I assume he didn’t have any interest in going to uni?

[UmbrellaWeather]

Also, he did have a group of friends at school but they were really similar to him! All they did was occasionally go to the cinema. Only 1 of them worked and drove the rest everywhere. The others didn't have a job, drive, and just played xbox 🤯

[UmbrellaWeather]

Yes, he might be depressed 😔

[SilverGlitterBaubles]

Sounds like a strange situation with your ILs almost controlling this young man. Covid and lockdowns have also probably made things even worse but it's no excuse. What kind of parents would want this life for their adult son. He needs help to move on with his life and away from their control.

[Riverlee]

i have two sons, aged 23 and 21. Both work, have passed their driving test, have hobbies. One has moved away, the other lives at home. Both have their own lives.

His parents and dh are definantly enabling the behaviour. Out of interest, has dh talked to his brother about the situation. Maybe he could buy him driving lessons for his birthday, help him look for jobs, or enroll on a college course/evening school. Ie be proactive in helping his brother out of this situation, rather than inadvertently supporting it.

[MinnesotaMuffin]

This is not a conventional situation for a 24 year old. Covid has delayed communication and confidence in some younger people but if your dbil was already socially delayed because his parents have infantilised him then the Covid situation has not helped him to fly the nest either. I think it would be good to get him to see his GP. I am sure having a job and learning to drive would help him to grow in confidence and independence as well.

[MotherOfRatios]

I'm mid 20s I work FT
I have friends, I rent but don't drive and have zero ambition in driving.

I have a social life but I also like my down time.

is he depressed?

[RedToothBrush]

My dad's younger half brother wasn't dissimilar. My Dad is convinced it's Asperger's. He still lives with his mum. Technically he's her carer but in practice she looks after him cos he can't manage life admin and struggles to do basic tasks like shave properly without prompting that he's missed bits. My Dad is now in his 70s and his step mum is in her mid 80s with failing health. My Dad is concerned about what happens when she dies as he thinks his brother will be incapable of looking after himself. With no diagnosis there's no alternative support. He's only late 40s. My Dad doesn't know how to handle it.

OP the situation you describe isn't normal.

The idea that he will 'grow into himself' in his 30s is nonsense if he isn't doing anything. Life doesn't change if you sit around waiting for it; you have to get off your backside and do something about it yourself.

There are three paths here:

The first is he gets a kick up the backside. That's got to come from family. Your DH might be the only one willing to do this

The second is he sits on his bum and festers indefinitely. Your DH enabling this, is the worst option here.

The third is to look into whether there is a problem and get a diagnosis before the second option plays out.

The longer it goes on, the worse the situation becomes and the harder it will be for your BIL.

Your husband has a choice here; either be part of the solution or part of the problem. Ultimately he cant avoid it because if his parents die, he'll be left with the estate / caring dilemma.

Don't let it get to him being in his 40s with parents in failing health.

[UmbrellaWeather]

So yes, DH has sent him job opportunities, work experience internships and told him he should learn to drive or just get the bus or train etc. I wouldn't want to buy him lessons as he may not turn up. DH got him a job offer once and he didnt show up on first day as he was too nervous apparently. Made DH feel embarrassed though as the owner was his friend.
BIL just says he doesn't want a job and doesn't want to drive. He's never been outside his comfort zone tbh. Dh has asked him to go to the pub with him, but he always turns it down (again, fine not to drink, but I think DH just thought it was a social environment and might help him a bit). However, I do think it's odd in our culture to be a 24 year old and not want to meet potential gfs/bfs, friends, and have a drink...

[anonymous98]

He sounds anxious and withdrawn. I think someone should maybe have an honest (but kind) conversation with him re: what he will do with his life. Presumably he can't live like this forever.

[Chocrock]

It sounds like there are some mental health issues maybe not diagnosed but there must be something as most people of his age have their own lives even if they still live with parents and don’t drive.

[WonderDays]

My DH has been to university for four years and has a masters degree. He works full time in a job he enjoys, he goes out with friends but also likes spending time at home. He is a gentle and polite young man.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

Mine DS is polite , quite lovely , rarely drinks and never smoked/ Doesn't even drink tea or coffee/

Has worked P/T in University , then when he graduated, now at University again (Masters)
Learning to drive
Hobbies are gym and guitar

Has mates from 6th form that he's kept in touch with

But he's an untidy little git who does need pushed.to galvanise himself into action.
Not a spender , he's looking to the future of house rather than holidays/

Always lived with us . Good transport links so gets himself about .

[lissie123]

My 24 ye old DS has a good job, a masters degree, a girlfriend and lives away from home in a flat share. Drives his own car, goes on holiday with his friends. That’s what young men should be doing- having a purpose in the world and enjoying themselves.

[WaterIris]

He sounds like he has been infantilised by your ILs. Your DH is a stronger personality so pushed past it, but it sounds like your PIL is a bit more shy/passive.

Your ILs are robbing him of the opportunity to live his own life. He sounds totally enmeshed to the point that even if it did occur to him to try and pull away, the shit would hit the fan and he'd backtrack to avoid upsetting them.

If they don't pull back then he is going to end up as someone who has never left home, and when both of them eventually die, he will be on his own and totally unprepared for having to live life on his own.

Your ILs sound extremely selfish and manipulative.

[grimmers44]

No it isn't.

Mine can drive, is doing a phd, has lived away from home since he started uni, flies all over the world on his own/with friends and basically lives like a normal adult!

[llareggub]

He sounds like the perfect candidate for The Prince’s Trust.

https://www.princes-trust.org.uk/

[Florissante]

It sounds a combination of parents who want to infantilise their son and their son who is happy to be infantilised.

There is no reason for your brother-in-law to act like an adult: everything is handed to him on a plate and no demands are made of him.

[VerityUnreasonble]

DD rather than DS, at 23 has finished university and working in a professional role. Worked since 17 in part time / holiday jobs while studying. Has a partner she's been with for a year or so and has recently moved in with. Travels with friends, goes to gigs, doesn't go out clubbing so much anymore but did a few years ago. Goes to the gym. Still can't drive but has had a few tries at learning. Happy to manage public transport, although probably gets more taxis than I might.

That said, when she stays here for the odd weekend she does revert to being 14, steals all the forks and seems to be dishwasher blind.

[GeraltsBathtub]

@UmbrellaWeather

So yes, DH has sent him job opportunities, work experience internships and told him he should learn to drive or just get the bus or train etc. I wouldn't want to buy him lessons as he may not turn up. DH got him a job offer once and he didnt show up on first day as he was too nervous apparently. Made DH feel embarrassed though as the owner was his friend.
BIL just says he doesn't want a job and doesn't want to drive. He's never been outside his comfort zone tbh. Dh has asked him to go to the pub with him, but he always turns it down (again, fine not to drink, but I think DH just thought it was a social environment and might help him a bit). However, I do think it's odd in our culture to be a 24 year old and not want to meet potential gfs/bfs, friends, and have a drink...

That is all very strange. Could it be agoraphobia or similar? Does he go anywhere?

[ValerieDoonican]

My dgm had a breakdown when my mum got married. My uncle never left home and died a bachelor. We (me and dM) suspect it was all to do with dgm's own marriage (grandad was controlling and possibly physically abusive too).

My uncle never complained about his life and was a lovely man, but his life was definitely limited.

Not saying your inlaws relationship is abusive but it definitely sounds like a them-and-their-needs problem, which they have in turn imposed on BiL. I feel sorry for your BiL,but your DH joining in the nonsense won't help, surely?

That said it is hard to know how this could be unpicked as it is a kind of mutual madness agreed on between the three if them. They are all participating in the same fiction, and sticking very rigidly to their roles (caring parent, helpless vulnerable "child")

I'm not sure it can be challenged from outside -you and dh have tried and failed. Perhaps all you can do is to refuse to participate and say why: " that's a ridiculous idea nobody does that" and distance yourselves a bit.

If I was you , I might write to one of the better agony aunts for advice (does annalisa Barbieri still have a column somewhere? she is very good I think)

[teabycandlelight]

Hmm - I think more young men are like this than people realise.

my own DB and also the brothers of quite a few friends were all very lazy and reluctant to get out and start life.

All expected top jobs to land in their lap immediately. No entry level job was good enough for them.

lacked any self motivation. Preferred to lie in / play X-box.

I wonder if boys are pampered more in some cases? Or perhaps they feel overwhelmed by the thought of entering the adult world and this is how they cope with anxiety?

[teabycandlelight]

@GeraltsBathtub

That is all very strange. Could it be agoraphobia or similar? Does he go anywhere?

I think it’s sometimes simply due to the very idea of a job being built up to be a massive thing. He’s had far too much time to overthink it and get nervous about it.

it’s difficult for most functioning adults to comprehend that simply going to work can be anything other than routine.

I think this is why people should limit the time they take off for stress- it only gets harder to return to work