Choosing between your health and your career. I’m in such a state.

[MyTruthIsOut]

How do you cope when you start to realise that you’re going to have to give up work because of your health?

I’ve got a chronic health condition which I’ve had for almost 25 years and up until recently it’s never really stopped me living my life but over the last 4 years things have slowly started to worsen to the point where a few months ago I ended up in hospital in a very poorly state, almost to the point of needing ITU and ventilation.

I have a very, very stressful job which I know is contributing to the instability of my health condition, and I know that if I don’t change my situation I’m going to end up back in hospital, and possibly in a very bad way.

But I love my job, I absolutely love it. I got my degree, I’ve worked in the profession for just over 15 years and am now in a very senior position doing something I have always dreamed off. I am so passionate about my job and it’s a very big part of who I am.

After my hospital stay I had almost 3 months off work but after only 3 weeks back (on phased return) I had to go off sick again due to my stress levels and my symptoms worsening again in relation to my health condition.

My parents and my husband are very worried about me. My husband has said he will 100% support me if I decide to give up work.

But I know that if I leave this position it’s highly unlikely I will be able to enter this field again and I will have to close the door on my dream job and everything I have done to achieve it.

I feel so sad. I’m scared for my health and I’m scared about what my life will be if I give up my job. It’s such a big part of who I am. And when I think about all the lifestyle changes we’ll have to make at the loss of my income….it all just feels so overwhelming.

Work are being so supportive and understanding so I’m thankful for that, but I know I can’t carry on like I am.

I wish I could close my eyes and make all of this disappear.

Part of me knows I have to make the change, but I cannot bear to think of the reality of doing so. It upsets me even thinking about it.

Has anyone else been in this position? How did you make your final decision to give up your job and how did you move forwards?

It's an awful thing when a decision is taken out of your hands, especially when you have been "managing" for so long.

It can be a complicated thing when alot of your personal identity is bound up with work, and so losing that work part of you leaves a gap in your life, not appealing when it's only the prospect of worsening health to fill it.

There is precious little information out there, but reframing it as retirement I've found more advice around managing a transition, because that's what it is, a change which you do have control of And change always happens whether we like it or not.

Have you spoken with your husband about the practicalities? Would fewer hours work be an option (you sound senior, are there non exec director roles?) - do you actually need a good long stint of leave to recover rather than leave work altogether.

Once you know what you're aiming for it's easier, but let yourself grieve a bit too. Stopping work doesn't have to mean rich tea biscuits and day time telly.

Is there any way to go self employed / consultant perhaps (not sure what it is) so you would be able to be more flexible with it?

Could you go part time and still do the job but without it taking so much of a toll on your health?
Would the stress reduce if you workload reduced 50%?

I run my own service completely single handedly and I've built up something amazing out of nothing. I don’t have any other team members working alongside me and every aspect of the service falls to me. That’s why my stress levels are so high.

As I improve the service the work load increases and the more I drown. It would be manageable if I had somebody on my team with me who I could delegate to or share the burden with, but I don’t.

The service I provide is very much needed and it took me 5 years to convince my employers to give me the opportunity to implement and develop a service and I know they won’t give me more funding in order to allow me another member of staff.

I only work 30 hours and for the last 3 weeks whilst I was on phased return I was only doing 20 hours and I still couldn’t cope. Whilst I was off sick my service was basically put on hold as no one can take over in my place and so I’m dealing with the backlog of that as well as picking the service back up again now I’m back in the workplace.

There is the opportunity to go self-employed (but it would mean further Uni qualifications and the associated
costs) but I know it wouldn’t give me the same level of satisfaction.

I’ve achieved three awards over the last 18 months due to the service I provide and the thought of just walking away from it and handing it over to someone else to run is simply unbearable 😢

I have two young children and when I look at them I think what their life would be if worst case scenario my health condition took me from them, and I know I have to make them my priority, but the thought of walking away from what I’ve achieved over the last 5 years in particular is so painful.

Are there opportunities to do a similar job elsewhere that offers more flexibility? Would they consider hiring a job share person if you want part time? Have they definitely said they will never hire anyone else?

If you're at the point you're going to have to leave I personally think there's nothing to lose by bringing up some ideas with them rather than just going. You've won awards and presumably the service benefits the company.

I too lost my much loved career due to ill health. I was retired on medical grounds after exhausting every reasonable modification offered. It was gutting and all the more so because I had to go through capability and had to be classed as incapable of carrying out my duties. I found the language surrounding it difficult.

Eight years on I'm still chronically ill but surprisingly have built a whole new career one I'd never have considered. I run my own business and work around my health needs.

I was devastated to lose the career I'd trained for but now I realise it had to happen. Your health is everything and if you don't prioritise it your illness forces itself to the fore. Good luck xx

Is there anyway you could job share, or train up an assistant to help do the more labour intensive parts of the job, leaving you with just strategy or consulting type stuff?
Given the technology available these days surely it's possible to sort of adapt the job a bit to suit you, video meetings etc.

If you have won awards recently, then I'm sure the company would prefer to hold on to you, so may be more open to a flexible working situation.
You could perhaps negotiate working from home also which may help with your energy levels.

Put bluntly, if you die from stress, you'll have none of those awards, or your job, or your reputation, or anything. And your kids won't have their mum!

Life is crazy, stop work, rest, recuperate. This won't be forever. Get your health back, enjoy your family, appreciate what you've achieved. The when the times right I bet work will find you in ways you didn't consider before, like a previous client offering something, or a consultant role, etc.

I feel sorry for you OP, thats really tough. What struck me is the language - I love my job - my job is really stressful. I know i could never enjoy something that stressed me, I wonder are you a bit addicted to the stress. Do you find it hard to relax? I would be concerned that giving up work and not being very busy would stress you in a different way.

I haven't been in that position myself but I did leave a job due to stress once and it was my "career job" I spent years training in. I wanted to leave as the stress was too much for me and I had long since lost any enjoyment. Honestly it sounds like your employers are taking the piss a bit, they won't fund another staff member and are happy to leave you drowning in it, even at the risk to your health. Are they just going to close the Dept down when you leave? I think you should talk to your HR or manager first and exhaust every option before you leave. Its so hard, I'm so sorry OP.

My job is so rewarding (health care related) and I get so much satisfaction with working with the women and the difference I can make……but the stress that comes with all the “behind the scenes stuff” is just overwhelming. And like I said, I have nobody to delegate to or share the work load with, it all falls to me and it just exhausts me.

My manager knows how much I’m struggling working alone and when I return to work I have requested that it is escalated further because it’s something that really needs addressing.

Im seeing my neurologist in a month to discuss my medication regime as it’s likely this is really contributing to my tiredness but changing medications comes with the risk of exacerbating my condition. It’s all such a mess.

Yestersay I spent a few hours rearranging my children's bedrooms, going through all their toys, sorting things out for the charity shop and getting all their summer clothes etc and today I feel absolutely wiped out. I can barely keep my eyes open. I’ve got an appointment with my doctor in 2 hours so I’m making myself stay awake, otherwise I would have gone straight back to bed after the school run.

My job is very physically and emotionally demanding so I feel drained at the end of most shifts, let alone with the added fatigue.

I had a particularly difficult shift a few weeks ago and when I got picked up from work I was asleep in the car within about 5
minutes. We got home and I just started crying because I was so tired. I then went to bed at 5.30pm and didn’t get up again until 7am.

Im having some blood tests today to see if there’s any other cause of the tiredness but my Neurologist is pretty confident it’s a result of my result hospital admission and the severity of how unwell I was, and the increased dose of one of my medications. I had lots of bloods done when I was in hospital and everything came back normal but there’s no harm re-checking I suppose.

Me and my DH started to have further discussion about what we’ll do if I have to give up work but I got too upset even just thinking about it so I had to end the conversation.

I’m only 40, this can’t be happening to me 😢

You're not the only one to have been in this position, an enduring health condition is a very bitter pill to swallow. Myself and my DH have had to go through this in different ways -my DH took a different role in the same profession (which he had never considered as an option) and his stress levels have reduced by about 80%, his work pattern is better and allowed for decent sleep.
I left the NHS to work outdoors, retaining my professional registration (so giving my flexibility to return to 'normal' work if needed, I now focus on evaluation/outcomes, which is much less physically demanding but makes excellent use of my experience and knowledge.
If you are able to make use of a union, an occupational therapist, occupational health, counselling, they might all help you to evaluation what your current situation needs and come up with a more sustainable way forwards. I can hear how proud you are of your work achievements, but that doesn't mean you have to keep moving along the same path forever, you will find success in other avenues x

Here's something to think about. Stress is not something that goes on around us, it is our emotional response to what is going on around us; stress is not an entity in and of itself.

Think of it more like a whirlwind flying around us. Even in the stormiest of times we can stand in the eye of the storm where it is calm while the stressors are swirling about us. We choose what we reach out and grab as ours to deal with and what can either wait or be dealt with by others. If it’s not yours, or it is yours but it’s not the right time, then don’t grab it.

There must be some possibility of balance with your employers as they obviously value you and your contribution. If they have any sense then keeping you at the cost of providing extra back up has to be the only way to go.

OP - I was in very similar circumstances 6 years ago and similar age (I'm now 47). My manager helped me reframe the problem to - 'what do I need to be able to do my job with the issues I have?' So the fatigue, the medication, the pain, the numerous appointments, being unable to use a keyboard at times, the feeling overwhelmed whilst I tried to keep on top of everything in work that meant I had nothing left at home, etc, I didn't have a clue how to answer as I just needed it all not to be there! So he suggested I had an occupational health referral which I'd always thought would be a waste of time, but they were fantastic and supported that amongst other things, I needed an assistant. An application through Access to Work was also suggested which I believe could have funded it but my employer wanted the support in place for me asap so took the hit and recruited anyway. The difference it has made and with other adaptations/accommodations, I'm still in the job I love. I honestly thought I'd have to give it all up at 40/41 and as mine is a progressive condition I know l'll have to at some point, but not today.
I don't know if either OH or AtW (the latter I believe is a few weeks wait) has already been suggested for you or you've had these already but if not, then you may wish to consider before reaching your decision.

How about setting yourself a new goal - to make your service sustainable? My DH is doing something similar because he is planning forward towards retirement. What happens if you tell your employer you wont be there forever and you want to start with an assistant or job share to train someone up so they can replace you or train another job share in a few months? That would let you cut your hours, allow you more flexibility in future, and bring someone in to help you. And you would leave a lasting legacy for women.

When I was admitted to hospital in March I applied for the Access to Work scheme straight away and I was told it was a 14 week wait before I would hear from anyone.

That 14 week period is almost here and so I will be ringing them for an update.

I’ve already spoken to my Occupational Health department about my work load and they will me meeting with me again when I go back to work. They will also be supporting me in my Access to Work application.

At the end of the day my workload is too much for one person.

I told my Manager that even if I didn’t have my work condition I wouldn’t be able to cope, it’s just makes the whole issue even more complicated. I said that if I were to leave and they replaced me, then that person would break too.

I would love a second person to work with me so I could share the workload which would ultimately provide a better service, and also as has been said, I won’t be around forever, but I doubt very much it will happen.

Thankfully my health condition is covered by the Disability Act so I’m hoping that will mean my employers may have to go the extra mile to help me stay in work, but at the moment it just feels impossible.

I feel so exhausted tired and I can’t even imagine being back at work and being able to function. But the thought of never being able to continue in my role just makes me cry.

I just want to close my eyes and then wake up to realise it was all a nightmare. It feels like it’s happening to someone else.

My mum is so worried about me, to the point she phoned my DH without me knowing, to tell him that I need to either cut back at work or leave because if I don’t then something really serious is going to happen to me 😢

Other than speaking to your manager have you put together a formal business case for bringing someone else into the team? You say they were reluctant to give you this opportunity and that they definitely won't fund someone else, but at the same time it's a much-needed service winning outstanding awards. So if you were to put together a formal case they might be more willing to look at it? People higher than your manager might not actually realise the impact of your day to day work, beyond knowing that you are doing well.

Someone else might have a better idea of what that might look like, but if it were me, I'd include:

1. some data/analysis on why your service is needed
2. the value it brings to the business or clients
3. a proposed team structure with yourself as the head and 1 or 2 juniors
4. detailed job descriptions of what those people would work on
5. a roadmap for the team for the next 6-18 months showing phases from recruitment, to training to then you possibly reducing your hours to manage your condition.

If accepted, this time next year you could be working 3.5-4 days with someone/people under you picking up a lot of the slack.

Could you continue with the 20 or 30 hours at work, but employ someone to do the house stuff, cleaning, sorting etc? Would that alleviate some of the stress?

I’ve been back at work for three weeks on 50% of my hours and I just couldn’t cope.

I could have a full time, live in cleaner, chef and Nanny and it wouldn’t make any difference to the stress that work causes me.

I spoke to one of my managers this morning about how the work load is too much for one person and it is breaking me, and the response I got was that I would just have to step back on how much I actually support the women and spend more time behind my desk doing all the Admin work. Leaving women unsupported
is not what I came into this role for and that’s not what I want my service to be.

One of my neighbours just popped by to see how I am as he knows about my health decline and the work stress I’m under and I ended up just crying my eyes out to him.

I feel absolutely broken.

And I just have no idea what to do.

Are you getting psychological support OP, talking therapies?

You are taking too much of the responsibility on to yourself. Your employers have a duty of care both to you, and your service users. If you take no action, then you will collapse and that will not benefit the women you are supporting.
It is time to put yourself, your health, and your family first.
If the service users are left unsupported because of this, this will not be your fault!

Also, I would ask, are you really enjoying the job and being so stressed? Or is it just the feeling of being needed? Your family needs you too!

@MyTruthIsOut I have been there too. I build a great career in an area that I love. Build my own business too (to allow me to work around my health issues). With time, I dropped down my hours slowly and slowly until the point I couldn’t cope with less than 10 hours a week.

I waited until I dropped really before I stopped.
It was heartbreaking. And I cried. A lot. It felt like the end if the world, and like a part of myself had just died.

im now about 1 year on. I’m not massively better but I FEEL so much better.
Nit having to push myself all the time means I actually enjoy what I do with the dcs. Time out and about with the family etc… My quality if life has massively improved too. And I have hope fir things to bet better health wise - which they wouldn’t have if I hadn’t stopped. I would just have ended up bedbound instead.
What helped me was a great counsellor to be able to dump all those feelings and work in the grief. It’s a massive change. It might well nit be the end of your career. Yu might be able to branch out on something else and still get the rewards and enjoyment (and passion?) from something else. But to do that, I felt I needed to work through the grief and find out who I am Wo that career iyswim.

Please do stop.
Even if it feels like the end if the world, it’s not. It’s a new beginning to a life that you will be able to enjoy rather than fighting tiredness every minute.

((hugs))

Thank you so much for all your lovely words and support.

I’m on medication for anxiety, which is definitely worsened by the job, and I have done CBT in the past and am currently in a group course of taking therapies, and will be starting one-to-one counselling in a few months. All this is about managing my anxiety though, it’s nothing to do with my worried surrounding my job.

My neurologist told me that I was very lucky to have not ended up ventilated and in intensive care in March…..what happened to me can actually be a life threatening event and I keep thinking, why am I doing this to myself?

When I look at my two children I can’t bear the thought of something happening to me.

With regards to my job….I think I really need to unpick why it matters so much to me. The service I provide means so much to the women I work with, and I strive to achieve the best I can so I can provide the best support to them, but ultimately, it’s still just a job and I have to ask myself why being there for them is more important than taking care of myself.

It’s just all so multi-layered which is why I’m so confused.

Whoever they replace me with (if I do leave) will just break under the pressure too.

Im not sure to what extent staff have to ‘break’ before top management see that what is being asked of us is untenable.

The 1-1 counselling might be more helpful.

But I’ll be honest, managing your anxiety around a job that isn’t manageable (due to its constrains etc…) seems a bit if waste of time - unless the idea to put you in a place where you don’t care anymore about your patients/clients/women you are working with.

However, your anxiety around your job is strongly linked to your anxiety around leaving your job.
Eg you mention the huge pressures to do all the stuff you need to do at work, your desire to help those women now. And who will you be if you stop supporting those women?
Can you see how those two are connected - the wish to be there for those women. The feeling you HAVE TO be there and what would happen if you’re not?

If you can, I’d go private to get the 1-1 counselling going. It’s always easier to sort those things out when you have someone you can talk through all of that.

That sounds like a really difficult situation. I feel like I'm going to be in your position before too long - health condition that limits my energy, small children and a career that I love. I've recently read a book called "Quitting" by Julia Keller - I found it really useful for thinking about the psychological difficulties in giving up jobs that you put your identity into but aren't working for you anymore. And lots of inspiring stories about people who had to quit things and found paths that were better for them down the line. I'm not quite ready to call it a day with my job yet, but the book has helped me think about how to decide if/when to stop and try something different. Good luck! It's easy to say "just quit" but much more difficult to give up something you are passionate about.