Has anyone ever boosted their libido in their 40's? (Women with young children)

[Nam3Change]

Posting on Chat rather than Sex as I am making an assumption that there might be more likeminded women on here...

Short version is - I am 43 and have stopped wanting sex since having my 3yo and I want to prove my libido and therefore my marriage. Has anyone every achieved this in their early 40's?

Long version is - since having DD now aged 3, my libido went downhill (not helped with some birth complications which led to painful sex for about 18 months afterwards.) Also contributing factors are general tiredness (she started sleeping well aged 2.5), the usual body image issues after pregnancy, aged 43, had a c-section etc. My figure is okay and I try to be grateful for my body and health but I still have a stone to shift to get to where I was pre-baby. This makes me feel fat and I hate having photos taken of me, so basically body confidence is low. I feel I have aged 10 years since having her - my face looks older, more puffy, and I feel like in your early 40's ageing does suddenly hit you.

I am also feeling "meh" at my job - a vocation I used to love and work passionately towards, I now feel I've lost my mojo. I do a lot of WFH and I am lacking motivation. Not sure if this is to do with having a child? But it affects my self-image and makes me feel less confident, slightly depressed, and I guess all contributes to me no longer feeling like the kick-arse sexy women I once did.

Husband is younger, he's the love of my life and I find him attractive, plus he fancies me, but I just do't feel like it anymore.

We have been TTC child 2 (low chances due to my age) so we've been having sex when I'm fertile, but it's perfunctory.

I did get my hormones checked 1.5 years ago now and all was normal, but I don't know if my age could be a factor here.

Anyway it is starting to affect our marriage as my DH is feeling like he misses sex, and whilst he has been supportive and great throughout the baby years I don't want a sexless marriage and I would like to get it back on track.

How can I boost my libido here? Has anyone my age and a Mum to young DC felt like this? Where can I find help or what should I do? Is it as simple as doing more exercise, and trying harder with things like dating / quality time with DH?

Exercise definitely helps me, as does being happy and doing things I really enjoy and feel passionate about.

Peri menopause may help you, which is fairly likely to kick in mid 40s. It was like being in my early 20s again, and although HRT took the edge of my drive, it’s remained healthy.

Testosterone is meant to help, but that might be just for women going through peri menopause.

I know there are people here who disagree, but I tend to think sex may be a habit, so just doing it more may increase your desire, even if this means solo sex regularly to get your desire back. You know, a bit like exercise is a habit. If you get out of the habit you stop wanting to do it, but if you keep it up, it keeps you wanting to move.

Ps, I am 50 but had my first at the same age as you, and second a couple of years later, so similar age and stage of life to you.

Thank you @Lifeinamajorkey that's helpful. Can I check what you meant about peri menopause may help? Did you mean HRT?

No, some women find their sex drive goes into overdrive in peri-menopause. It happened to me. It was brilliant! Loved it! HRT actually reduced this hyper drive for me, which was a shame. But I still retained a higher sex drive than I had before peri-menopause.

I think some cultures call this ‘ the second spring’.

Following with interest! I am in my 40s, and am OK in the few days around ovulation time, but don't have much interest the rest of the month!

Jesus, are you really surprised with all that going on
?!

I'm peri and gone the other way...zero interest, hrt didn't help either

I'd be very interested to know if there's anything I can do to feel horny again! To be fair, I've noticed that my sex drive has really tailed off over the last decade (I'm 41) and I often wish I felt like I did when I was a teenager. I'm knackered, have a 16 month old, need more sleep, work full time and need to lose 2 stone. To be fair, DH's sex drive isn't especially high as he's shattered too. But I feel old, un-sexy and frumpy. Sex is vanilla whereas pre-DC it was more kinky. So following for any tips!

If you're feeling like this after one child, having another will kill your marriage. Don't do it.

Having sex because you "have to", ttc aside, is about the single worst thing you can do together. Sure, all you have to do is be there, but your poor DP has to perform like a trained seal, don't underestimate the effect of "forced" sexual acts, it will kill any passion he feels, imagine if YOU had to orgasm to get pregnant, then imagine your husband just lying there waiting for you to get on with it. Please stop ttc, or you'll end up a single mother to two kids.

You need to get turned on, thats the first thing, find out what does it for you first, then do that thing when your husband is with you. Start slowly, no pressure.

I've seen this so, so many times. Please just stop ttc for now, difficult as it may be. Your husband didn't marry you because he wanted a woman to birth his children, and he didn't marry you to get into a celibate/one sided sexual relationship.

I'm telling you, if you don't "fix" this issue before you have another child, your marriage won't survive.

New dp worked for me (I understand that this isn't an option for all!)

@onefinemess thank you for your thoughts. I'm not sure how pragmatic your advice is though, in terms of my age, and my and my husband's wish to have more children if we were so lucky.

@DappledOliveGroves yes that all sounds familiar!

Yes, I’ve definitely heard this before

some women find their sex drive goes into overdrive in peri-menopause. It happened to me. It was brilliant!

Me too, but I have friends who have lost all interest in sex, and you don't really get to choose what sort of menopause you get... plus if that's what works for you, you'll be stuffed for a second baby.

I was in a similar boat (had DC1 just before turning 40, & we wanted another). I was similar to you but DH stressed and tired from work too. I'm not sure that I managed to boost my libido as such, but we would book "date days" (no family to help with childcare & I don't know any babysitters so we regularly booked a day off together whilst DC was at nursery & we'd have a "date" during the day). It helped us to have time for ourselves as just a couple and to remember what we liked so much about each other (which could get lost amongst work, chores, child, general life admin). Focusing on the relationship first helped. I didn't/don't feel sexy I mostly feel haggard lol, but we try to compliment each other, maintain & build on the good stuff which helped to feel connected which in turn kept that side alive. If you are able to fit in exercise that will probably help, if you feel better about yourself generally that should give you a boost.

Thanks @thejadefish that is helpful. I think daytime dates are a great idea. No family or babysitters here either, so just us.

Yes, exercise increases testosterone levels and general endorphins.

And time off together increases dopamine levels too. Take time off together when child is in childcare - if you use a week's holiday like that, so what?

Following with interest. Totally relate to feeling frumpy/ unattractive/ have aged/ knackered from sleepless nights. DH still wants sex and I 'go along with it' but never enjoy it like I used to. I have been semi honest with him in that he knows my libido is lower but he doesn't know how much (he cab probably tell I go through the motions but spelling that out seems like a step too far). I could gladly never have sex again the way I feel now - although of course what I actually want is to start wanting/enjoying it again. I wonder if hormones are an issue? I never get aroused like I used to.

Its your marriage.

If you want to be a divorced single mother then ignore my advice and carry on. Having another child is obviously more important than your marriage. Even your husband seems to think so.

Poster above is correct to be honest. The second child completely hit a nail in the coffin of my marriage, and we've been sexless ever since. Now just living together and raising the children together, but not in a relationship. We will split as soon as finances allow.

Have you explained the body image issue to your DH. It might be worth explaining that, as I do think that's one of the key components. If you could manage regular exercise that would really help you. A sex therapist on a podcast I listened to recently said the same thing about body image. Listen to the Diary of a CEO podcast, a recent one, with that sex therapist that used to be on tv all the time. She's annoying and I don't agree with everything she said but it was still an interesting listen and would be useful for you.

@onefinemess are you speaking from experience here can I ask? Not sure if you're a man speaking, who's missed out on sex, or a woman who went on to have a 2nd child? You do sound very angry about it though so just interested in the perspective you are coming from.

onefinemess is a very unhappy married mother judging by others posts unfortunately.

Sorry posted too soon.

That being said, it doesn't negate her advice about the importance of trying to reconnect before having a second baby. Have you been to Relate?