DH has ADD, survival tips please?

[TwistofFate]

Hello, my DH has ADD and the main symptoms are absent mindedness, easily distracted and general disorganisation. This morning woke up to find our car door open and inside had been ransacked, luckily nothing of value stolen but I'm 99% certain that it's because he forgot to lock it last night.

A couple of years ago, after he lost his wallet and someone went on a shopping spree with his cards before he noticed it was even missing, I bought Tiles for his phone, keys and wallet, and it made life so much easier for tracking down things he frequently loses.

I love him dearly but his ADD is starting to take a toll on both of us, does anyone else who has or lives with someone ND have any tips on how to make life easier?

I’m not sure if she’s still around but @MrsKoala had lots of experience and tips.

@TwistofFate Can I ask if he was recently diagnosed? My DH is similar and it's caused so many problems over the years, a lot of the problem is distrust from me. Which is justified cos he forgets so much, mostly he has locked car etc but when I ask him he has no recollection so then I get worried. So now I double check everything and have to constantly monitor him. My DS has ADHD and the more I learn the more convinced I am that he has it.

Thanks @KiwiMum2023 will have a look.

I bought the Tiles too. At one point I put a sticker on the front door with his essentials- keys, phone etc because he would leave the house and return 3 or 4 times "remembering" things. I also make sure we have a bowl inside the door on a shelf for the same things on the way home. Honestly i don't feel he tries hard enough, there are tools he could use but doesn't bother. His timekeeping is terrible and I get that as it doesn't come naturally to me either but that's why I have constant reminders on my phone but he tends to wing it and totally misjudges.

It causes terrible stress in our marriage. A lot of it is my stress cos I'm always convinced he is going to screw up. He has ruined or caused drama at so many big family events that i now dread them or even when all goes well I'm wound up like a coil.

Yes. Was going to suggest @MrsKoala though have not seen her around for quite a while.

That does sound stressful @LaMaG DH was tested as a child because he had symptoms but didn't meet criteria because it wasn't effecting him socially or academically. He's still on the waiting list for adult test. I'd say it's much worse now though because he has to be responsible for himself. We have two young kids so I just don't have the capacity to be double checking everything for DH as well.

How is he at work? My dh has a very stressful responsible job, making big decisions where a lot is at stake. He somehow manages to organise this well, I think he puts everything into this and zones out at home. Not sure if he has ADHD or just elements but ds is so similar.

With Ds we found colour coding really helped organise books when he started secondary school. And the drawers and storage in his room has a sticker with the contents on the outside. If he is packing up multiple bags I'll do a checklist for each bag and place on top so he can check as he packs. Dh will pack then not remember if he packed then redo it all! But I refuse to manage a grown man or he will just take the piss completely. As you know with young kids you just don't have the capacity to deal with this so they have to cop on ADHD or not. Dh runs everyday and this calms his mind and DS does a lot of training anyhow but also has a lot of heavy gym weight stuff to regulate himself. We also got a punching bag which either of them use when getting antsy. I also got a weighted blanket but Ds doesn't like it but younger Ds2 uses it (also has sensory issues but not ADHD). All these things cost money and need space so won't suit everyone but they do help a bit. Also having a consistent place for things, this week I put a sunscreen basket on the hall table for all the bottles. They will still leave them in stupid places but at least they have a collection point.

General question to all posting including the OP - Just wondering at the start of the relationship and as the relationship progressed with your partners with ADD did you notice it ?

I suppose I noticed DH was easily flustered and a little disorganised but nothing of concern. He is very intellectual and these things often go hand in hand. He was always good socially and doesn't drift in and out of conversation like some do. It's more when he gets stressed. I only really noticed when we moved in together and more so as the years went on. But life also got more stressful and chaotic so it's no coincidence. He never struggled much when he was younger so like i said he has elements and might not meet the diagnosis criteria. From what I've read and see with DS, even if Dh was diagnosed I'd say he is at the mild end of it.

@LaMaG DH also has a job with a lot of responsibility and decision-making, but one that he finds very interesting (always keeps up with training and new research), though he changes jobs more often than most people we know. He can be very dynamic and enjoys problem-solving, but often works late because he takes on too much or gets distracted. I'm not sure if all this is part of his ADD or just his personality.

We have key hook next to front door and tried bowl for putting phone, keys, wallet but he still puts them down wherever, and then forgets about them.

@LadyEloise1 Yes and no. I always thought he went through phones, laptops and other tech quicker than most people; he has a history of losing keys and wallets that predates me too, but I put down his frequent job changes down to him being ambitious. He's always been a bit easily distracted, he'll forget what he's saying mid sentence if something else catches his attention. I think he's probably always had the symptoms but it didn't impact us as much before we had kids?

I suspect I have ADHD and am similar to your dh, my symptoms have become more noticeable with age. I often forget to lock my car, often leave my keys in the front door (usually the postman knocks to tell me or my neighbour will knock). I often put things off and then forget to do them. I do find writing lists helps and leaving reminders for myself around the house on sticky notes,I also set alarms on my phone to remind me to do things. I am a single parent and my dd1 likes to remind me how forgetful I am. I’m not sure I could hold down a relationship, I would probably really annoy any partner.

This thread is currently running on the Relationship board Husband has ADHD and I'm struggling and may be helpful

Thank you for replying @TwistofFate and @LaMaG