Only child - is this what it's like? Is it lonely?

[dancingwiththecharts]

I don't remember being that little, but I was an only child for 11 years and have clear memories from age 4 of really enjoying peace and quite (relief when I went home to a quiet house!), plus being very good at talking to adults and starting to get a bit annoyed at other children being in my space for too long. But I loved life, got a lot of attention, very particular about who I spent my energy on and didn't take any crap as my mum had a lot of time to matter with me, gave me great advice and we were just so close

My DD is almost 19 months and she has a brother who is 6. Trouble is, he has severe special needs so he won't give her a smile really, let alone play with her. She looks extremely lonely sometimes

That seems ridiculous, right? She's only 2! But she does often look a bit lost and lonely, and if she's out and there's another child about giving her attention, her eyes lit up like she's won the lotto

I suppose my question is, can it really be lonely being an only? I have no recollection of loneliness and always felt content with happy memories of my childhood

The thing with my daughter is the dynamic is she's like an only child in the sense there's no sibling rivalry, nobody to play with, nobody to 'tell on' and nobody to share anything with

The flip side is her 1-1 time is probably far less than a child with loads more siblings, and from an early age, her care needs became less than her older brother's

I feel so sorry for her. For anyone reading, no I don't recommend it

Small bump

Your DC have different personalities and it sounds like your personality as a child was a lot more like in tune with your eldest.

I have similar. DS10 has autism and prefers his own company. Not very sociable and if he is, it has to be on his terms whichof course goes down like a leadballon with kids. DS8 is much more sociable, enjoys the company of others etc. They will play together at home. But I also find that DH and I have to entertain DS8 a lot more than DS10 because he wants/needs that human interaction. Both of my kids complain the other is 'our favourite'. DS8 see us always prioritising DS10 needs. DS10 says we spend more time with DS8. We can't win TBH. But we do what we think is best.

It's hard because there is also the added element of the your eldest needs being greater, so I can imagine in your position, you don't always have that time to dedicate to your youngest. So she probably feels that sense of loneliness more IYSWIM. I don't know the answer because I know it is so hard. Perhaps look at a way that you can make sure your youngest has the undivided attention of a parent each day. Is there an opportunity that you could find an activity just for her? Also I don't know where you live and what you would be eligible to, but where I live in Wales some areas start the funded childcare hours from 2 and in England some families can be eligible from 2. Even something like that could be good for her.

The issue your daughter has is that there is another person who is a child in her immediate home environment who won't as he actually can't communicate with her.

This is different to being an only child.

Yes I suppose it is as simple as this, it must be confusing.

Plus he tries to hurt her, a lot, which must confuse her more.

Do you have any support OP?

There are young carers groups and sibling groups your 2 year old can get involved with as time goes on and there will be families with similar set ups.

You might be eligible for respite where you can then spend some time 1:1 with your daughter too.

I don’t think you can compare your childhood to your DD. You were alone and she is not. It is not your DS fault obviously he cannot interact with her but it’s very different to being an only child.

You can be alone but not lonely, that’s what you had as a child. I can clearly remember being like that till I was 4.5 and my younger sister was born. You would probably be better off posting on the section for people with children with SN as they will have better insight.

@Spendonsend thank you, yes there are those groups here but they start from around age 8 or 9 so she's got a while yet!

We do get respite funded by it's hard time find anyone because DS needs 2-1 provision. The last carer we had made a case for it which is fine, but now means it's unsafe for 1-1 so anything we find must be 2-1

Over 3 months have gone by and we're still looking!

I do appreciate respite is a concept that exists on paper but is much harder to make a reality. Fingers crossed something comes up for you all.

Does your daughter have access to nursery as that might give her a set time each day to play with children her own age.

Its very tough op. I am sure you are doing everything you can and this is just a momentary worry. My eldest is a young carer. Not so young now! Childhood has been a different experience for him. I do feel sad sometimes about it but it is what it is and in many ways its made him a very lovely person.

I was very lonely as an only child, and this sounds like a tougher situation for your child. Are you likely to have another child? If not then you need to make sure you help her build up good friendships. Any cousins about?

Thing is, a 5 year age difference means that even if one child didn't have additional needs, they'd be unlikely to be "friends" or have anything in common until at least their twenties. Your daughter will go to nursery, school and other places where she'll socialise.

It isn't lonely being an only child unless the specific child is lonely.

I'm the only of an only with an only. None of us have ever been lonely.

The stigma of being a lonely only is perpetuated (with no basis in reality) by attitudes such as that expressed in the last sentence of the OP. There are probably women reading this who had no choice. It might be nice to bear that in mind before generalising.

@NowZeusHasLainWithLeda I was an only and loved it! I think you've misread my entire post. Either that or I haven't realised it isn't as clear as I thought- it seems obvious to me that the last sentence of my post is having another child when the one you had first has profound care needs

I think it is different for your DD than being an ‘only’ as she is not receiving the social interaction/validation from another child in her home which probably feels like a rejection to her. Added to that she is probably seeing you focusing more of your attention on your eldest (because of his needs, but she won’t understand that). This may also feel like a form of rejection /favouritism to her so these things combined with not having another child to play with and probably not much time for her parents to play with her could all add to her sense of loneliness.

Do you have a husband/partner/grandparent who could focus some time one-to-one on one of the children whilst you focus attention and play with the other as that might help? Also time in nursery school/playgroup for your youngest can give her some social time with other children.

I'm an only. My adult daughter is an only. Honestly, it's great.

@Strawberrycocktail yes thats definitely it I think - the fact there is another child in her house but it's just constant rejection, no matter how much she's desperate for him to just smile for her

She's extremely patient and so kind, she's almost at her second birthday yet has never actually got annoyed or had a paddy other than silently sitting there with daggers but that's rare, she's very sweet and friendly. I worry she 'feels' she must be patient and friendly and has just learned to... which is really sad

I've got family who will jump at the chance to have her but she hates it. I take up their offers sometimes as I feel she needs to get use to being away from me for when she starts pre school, but my ideal of her getting all the attention and enjoying people doting on her is lost.

The reality is, she just wants to be with me. And gets really upset when she isn't, even if that means her brother is there too

I don't know really. DP was an only child and hated it. He says he was often bored and often lonely.

I think it must vary a lot child by child. I loved it. And I didn't have any cousins

As a PP said it would be a good idea to send your younger child to a nursery or childminder a few sessions a week so she can socialise with other children.

The fact her face lights up if another child interacts with her means she will be able to cope with it.

My only isn't lonely. Won't justify it beyond that until there's constant threads asking if the youngest of 4 is a neglected sad sack in an overcrowded house or something 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am an only child and would really want to having one myself if I’m honest. I envied (and still do) friends with big families/siblings a lot. Although I have a very close relationship with my mum there was always a gap in my life unfilled. When I was young cousins were there to ‘fill the gap’ but as I got older and into my teenage years loneliness definitely has become an issue. The thought that my children don’t have any aunts, uncles or cousins on my side particularly bothers me.

I had a brother - we had nothing in common as children, didn't do much together at all, except when forced by parents. As adults, we barely have any contact at all - just maybe one phone call each year, birthday/Xmas cards etc. None of that is due to any fall outs, arguments, etc., we just have nothing in common.

My OH had a sister and they had completely different personalities, did little together, had different friends, different interests/hobbies, etc. Likewise, as adults, they've drifted apart and now only have contact (mostly by text) as they both care for their mother with dementia.

Our son is an only child, and hasn't shown any sign of any problems/regrets at all. He's always had local friends. He also has lots of other friends he talks to "A LOT" on line, being friends from old schools, new friends from Uni, friends from his interests/hobbies, etc. We were always aware of him being an "only" and ensured we arranged lots of play dates, after school activities, etc., right from the start of primary school. He is actually happier talking to friends online than he is in person, and is one of the generation where they "talk to" eachother online even if they're physically in the same place, i.e. from one bedroom to another in his student flat!

We've asked him many times if he's ever regretted or sad at being an only child, but he's always answered that he's not really missed something he hasn't had, and he often mentioned his friends with siblings who don't do things together or don't get on.

I think it's quite possible to still be "alone" even if you're not alone, so it matters more about who are your siblings rather than whether you have any or not. Either way, I do think that friendships and activities outside the family can be more important than relying on siblings, whether you have them or not.

Some children need more socialising. Some don’t.

During lockdown I realised my DD an only child, couldn’t “live” without socialising. She could play by herself but would much prefer to play with someone else and she always made friends with strangers when we would go out. She isn’t loud, or super extroverted at plain sight - but I realised she doesn’t want to be alone.

10 years later she is still like that. She always needs someone to talk to. Wants to be with people. Doesn’t want to be alone.

I am the opposite and remember being the opposite as a child.

It may be a trait/personality. I guess planning play dates and activities if you can might help. Or somehow involving her in your day to day which is what I ended up having to do. She loved helping!

I think its worse having siblings you wish you were close to but aren't. That's where I'm at. I understand your worries op. You are a good mum for seeing it as it is. I think the answer is keeping your dd busy if you can. Like soft play, toddler groups etc, if you can manage to take her to these.