How do you make new friends in your late 40s and 50s?

[Jacobsladder]

Anyone had any success making new friends in their late 40s and 50s as a single person or as part of a couple? What and how? The absolute lack of friends or anyone to do anything with other than DP is really lonely and depressing.

I have a lot of casual social connections (from work, say hello to at shops, old school/uni friends, parents of kids friends) but they’re the type of connections where if I died they’d come to my funeral but I’d be out of their headspace a week later.

I don’t want to be like this but I don’t know how to make more friends. I also live outside the UK in a region badly affected by a catastrophic weather event 12 months ago (just as things were starting to improve post covid) so what’s left in terms of homes, shops, community groups, social events is still badly affected and much of the community in general is still having a shit time and it’s depressing to have to stay here (which we have to as youngest is still at school).

So far me and DP have tried
• gym, I have gone there for a few years, nothing even from regular attendance at group fitness
• dance lessons and dancing events for us as a couple - nearest possibility is more than an hours drive away
• volunteer group - I can’t do it now as related to the catastrophic event, DP still does though
• Team sports - it’s early days but having limited success with one that we do Saturday mornings
• Another sport (bowling) but seems to only be older retired people where I am I the clubs that are left

I would like to get involved in something organised or structured that is either interesting to me (with or without DP), or makes me feel useful to someone else. I don’t want to say, go to the pub and talk to the person beside you. I’m also introverted and probably socially anxious, but I can make myself be friendly and approachable as I’ve learnt to make myself be like that in work and social situations in general after being criticised all my childhood for being too shy.

What has worked for others?

Have you tried meetup.com? If it’s available where you are, then it’s definitely worth a look. There are many different categories.
I met up with people locally, for bowling when I first separated. Previously to that, while living as an ex-pat, I met up with a group of ‘stay-at-home-wives’. We did some sightseeing, walks & lunches. I loved it :)

Always at whatever gym/health club/spa I’m joined to at the time. I’m mid 50’s and have made friends with my third friend who I’ve met in such a way over the last 15/ 20 years.

A friend recently set up a sea swimming group and has made lots of friends that way.

Take a look at Meet Up.

I joined a book group and a volunteer group.

Thanks for responses so far 😁. I do keep an eye on meetup, and right now there are three events within 50 miles of me including a mid week (when I am at work) beach to beach walking event, a bingo and schnitzel night at a local pub, and a dancing in the dark event which from pics and descriptions is for people about 20 years younger than me (and something I would have been super uncomfortable going to anyway when I was 20 years younger.

I like the idea is sea swimming groups as we live near the beach, I’ve never heard of them though but I will see what I can find.

As far as volunteer groups I keep an eye on a website that posts these types of vacancies and am considering one that wants visitors to lonely people in nursing homes or meals on wheels but I’m a bit unsure.

I think you're doing all the right things but it's not enough to just turn up, you have to throw yourself into it and take the lead a bit.

I'm a runner, have been going to events, club, volunteering at parkrun for years. I "knew" people but they weren't really friends.

Then DH died and I really needed some friends. A lot of the aquaintances were great and really helped me out and I've made sure I've repaid those favours. I've also got much more involved in the club and now rather than just turning up for runs, I organise social events. Not everyone is interested, many have busy lives and don't need this social element, as I did before, but there's a core of people who really appreciate it and it's developed into a really lovely freidnship group.

Can you get a dog? It's very easy to initiate conversation with all sorts of people you see out dog walking every day, especially if you can find fellow new owners who need to commiserate over the puppy madness! Near me there are even organised groups for dog waking, some tied to specific breeds if you have an interest (though mine is a scruffy mutt!)

We have a dog! We do take her walking and that’s a great way to have fleeting conversations with others but she’s definitely not a puppy any longer 😁

There are parkruns where I live but they are held just before the team sport we do (both Saturday mornings) and we couldn’t do both unfortunately

Do you work? I'm in my early 40s and self employed so lots of wfh, but I do find I meet new acquaintances and friends primarily through work events or work related social things

Would you enjoy singing? Could you join a choir? Is the team sport that you do on a Saturday morning not very friendly? Could you arrange social nights for that?

I moved to a different country in my 50s. Barely spoke the language and didnt know a soul.

I joined everything! I'm terrible at sport but joined beginners classes , art classes , when I was there I made a point of asking people if they would like to go for a coffee after the class.

I now have a really wide circle

I do work and I do have work friends but they are work friends. Work is also a bit crazy with restructuring, staffing challenges and general low morale so I’m trying to stay as “removed” from that atmosphere as possible until things settle down hopefully later in the year. I did have one good work friend where we also met up outside work but she moved recently to the other side of the country which is a long and expensive flight. We still keep in touch but won’t see each other in person very often any more.

I am incredibly bad at singing and worst of all I’m not tone deaf so that definitely out!

The team sport we’ve started on Saturdays is actually quite good and welcoming and fun, I certainly hope over time that might develop into doing other stuff with some of those people, but it’s still very new, it’s literally just been two weeks so far so maybe in a few more weeks I could sound out people for other events.

I agree with suggestions here like meet up, sea swimming, book groups and choirs. I do a Monday evening life drawing class - have been for a year. I'm friendly with quite a few of the other participants and look forward to it every week. We have a refreshments break half way through the class and have a good old chat, gossip and a laugh. They've not yet become friends that I meet up with outside the class - that takes longer I think. But it's still a valued part of my life.

But it's interesting I do think about this as I'm approaching retirement in a few years. And honestly I realise that I'd been thinking about wishing someone would invite me to join a boat group and hadn't thought about setting up one myself! I am a member of a couple of local Facebook groups so I could invite people to join them one.

Sounds like the sport group will be great. I think you become better friends when you have to share lifts, go to events together so that will build over time

why not start the swim group? Be the one that everyone has to contact and you will get to know them all fast! Put a notice up near where you swim and a fb group and word will start to get round - you could have an evening beach meet up social around a fire and it will be gorgeous!

Join U3A. There will be loads of groups according to your interests. In our area we also have a local Historical Society and a National Trust Supporters group which have monthly meetings and outings. I mad a very good friend in my 60s through an art class. U3A groups often have monthly Sunday lunches which are a good place to get to know people.

That's how our local book group started. Someone posted on the local Facebook page asking if anyone was interested.

We started during lockdown with zoom meetings and have gone from strength to strength since meeting up.

I joined my local WRN group and have met some great women through that.

I joined a netball club aged 46. I've made so many good, close friends as a result.

Good point that although some groups may not lead to new friends, it’s still a positive and social experience that enhances your week.

Could it be that you are attending things with DP? I think it’s a lot harder if you are at events as a couple tbh.

I agree that groups are a good way to meet people. It's not guaranteed that you'll make friends but often you do. I went to an evening language class and made a good friend who I regularly meet for lunch or dinner. I also joined a book club and we've become such good friends that it's gone beyond talking about books. We now frequently meet for drinks, dinner, theatre or the cinema. We even went to a gig once.
I think it helps if you go to groups without an existing friend. I think if you go with an established friend it hinders you making new friends. I know from experience.

Thank you everyone, some great suggestions that I’ll try out 😁