Apologies for how long this will be but i'm at my wits end and there's backstory. Partially venting, but also could do with any advice.
I'm mid 40's and have never mastered the art of dealing with a very tricky, selfish, extraordinarily stubborn DM.
Our relationship has had it's ups and downs, often quite strained. She is very judgemental, condescending & off-the-charts selfish in terms of her behaviour. There's no empathy and an inability to apologise to anybody.
It's a complex history; Neglect of myself and DB as children, her ongoing anxiety/depression since 1980, and 33 years of emotional abuse by our DF until their divorce 17 years ago. She's been single since.
She's very religious and once had me sent away (as a slightly wayward teenager) to a cultish type place behind my dad's back, to "fix me". Over the years she's made noises about DS being born out of wedlock and also the devil being out to get her..
After my parents divorce, DM disappeared into a cultish fundamental Christian "church" and DB, DS and I barely saw her for 5+ years- their doctrine was that family come way down the line, after god and church.
She hasn't been as "churchy" for the last decade, sporadically attending a Methodist and seemed so much better, but has quite recently found her way back into a fringe fundamental place I think..
I have historically needed to keep my mouth shut if I was ever upset by her behaviour- if I ever raised anything at all, I was then punished by her silence and withdrawal for months, or even years sometimes. So I stopped raising thing's a long time ago, as I didn't want to risk losing her again for the sake of DS as he doesn't have a lot of family around and she's relatively normal with him.
I've always made the effort to smooth things over and keep the peace- honestly feel that if I hadn't, we would never have had any contact for 20 years as she wouldn't have made the effort.
I've had her to stay with us many many times. I've arranged every Christmas, every single family birthday meal for her & DB 42, taken her for days out, lovely 5* afternoon teas etc (met with criticism from start to finish) booked lovely birthday trips away for her (the most recent one has just been cancelled by her).
She's never in my life done anything similar for me that I can remember, nor arranged so much as a birthday meal for me. Lucky if I get a present, but do think that's more about her finances.
The last few months she's been getting increasingly difficult and displaying some extraordinary disloyalty and ethically questionable behaviour, which I won't go into as it's potentially outing.
She has a particular blood disorder, which requires regular treatment but she hasn't been for it since pre-COVID and I feel that's affecting her in many ways.
It's definitely starting to drastically impact her physical health, memory and in turn, her mental health. I had to really badger her to have bloods tests earlier this year, which she eventually did, but then refused to tell me the results other than to say they were high. Which is her right of course, but I do know she still hasn't had the treatment required to reduce the issue and prevent further damage to her organs.
She emailed me two weeks ago to say she'd relented, had spoken with the GP who had arranged a "long list of tests". I've since (day before yesterday) asked how she got on, but once again I'm being completely ignored. If there was no issue she would definitely have said so.
I'm not going to keep asking, but I just feel like she's constantly hot and cold, push pulling me, and I'm so frustrated, upset and really quite concerned.
I'd rather she hadn't said she was being sent for tests if she was then going to clam up and leave us hanging. She's gone quiet on DB too, although finally replied to a text this morning literally saying she's ok, but nothing else.
At this point I'm starting to feel like there's nothing else I can do for her, or our relationship. My patience is at its end and I'm ready to throw in the towel.
But she's 70, alone, and I can't just give up on her, can I... wwyd??