Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is it normal to feel this way?

8 replies

Saucepot1985 · 09/06/2023 21:03

Hi all,

I am really beginning to question all the so called friends I have in my life and wonder what to do. I can’t help but feel so let down by most people in my life bar DH. I had a nervous breakdown at the start of the year and was very unwell and a time I could really of done with my friends to be there like I have been for them over the years. I have a couple of long standing friends 20+ years and they were kind enough about it but for example my best friend known for 20 odd years did message me but not an offer to pop round and see me, something I would of naturally just done for her. For context I really give wholeheartedly to my friends and am supportive to anything happening in their life and they always turn to me when the shit hits the fan. I hate seeing people upset generally and will always put my hand out to support in any way I can.
My best friend was chatting to me about one of her school mum friends recently and said she noticed one day this friend was particularly upset so that night turned up at her house impromptu to check on her and give her a cuddle etc (that’s a lovely thing to do and I would of done the same) but I couldn’t help it but I thought to myself well I have known you 20 odd years and was completely beside myself at the start of the year and not once did you think to just come and see me off the cuff to check on me. Another ‘close friend’ called me once and then never checked in again with another friend popping up and when I plucked up the guts to reveal a little of how I was feeling and that I had been unwell did absolutely fuck all ‘forgot’ to reply to my message and got back in touch 5 days later and has kind of backed off of me since. When I did see her briefly told me the fun she has been having with some school mum friends she has met recently and how lovely they are etc etc not once asking how I am doing now/feeling now. Some friends I made in my previous work place have dropped me like a cold bag of sick and been borderline rude when we have spoken. Another friend doesn’t reply to messages and claims to be busy but when you do catch up tells me she has managed to go here there and everywhere with every other tom dick and harry. I have been there through thick and thin for my friends. All of them have had big issues over the years, marital issues, infidelity, abortions, deaths and I have always been there (rightly so) am godparent to some of their children etc. Not just popping in and texting but subtle little gestures such as getting them a bunch of flowers when their down, being thoughtful…stuff I thought good friends do. I just think it’s certain times in your life when you see true colours isn’t. When I needed them and could of done with the love and support I have freely given them, they disappeared like farts in the wind and I just feel so so tired of it. I am feeling much better mentally now and wish I could let it go but internally feel so hurt by them and feel I now see them differently. I am just tired of people, really tired but I am only 35 and think how do I navigate the rest of my life with friendships? How do I stop being like this and shut my heart off? I just feel I cannot be a shit person, it’s not in my nature to give people
cold shoulder, I am a big empath. I work in a care home aswell supporting 9 gentlemen with learning disabilities which I absolutely love! I get so much out of my job and love them all dearly, so I am just a caring person by nature but oh sometimes I wish I wasn’t because all I get is an emotional battering! Is it normal to feel like this? Any advice or wisdom guys?

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 09/06/2023 21:09

Oh gosh OP, long but I get the gist.

If I was having a hard time the last thing I’d want is for someone to turn up impromptu to “give me a cuddle”. The thought of that would have me turning off all the lights and pretending not to be in.

Everyone has different needs and when you’re going through something tough, people - even best friends - need you to tell them clearly what you need or expect. Otherwise they’ll do what they would want, which for me would be sending supporting messages/ small gift or flowers, but never, ever turning up unannounced. If a friend was going through something and wanted me to just pop in randomly on occasion, I’d need to be told or I’d never think of doing it. That doesn’t make me a bad friend, I don’t think.

Original poster
Saucepot1985 · 09/06/2023 21:19

ItsCalledAConversation · 09/06/2023 21:09

Oh gosh OP, long but I get the gist.

If I was having a hard time the last thing I’d want is for someone to turn up impromptu to “give me a cuddle”. The thought of that would have me turning off all the lights and pretending not to be in.

Everyone has different needs and when you’re going through something tough, people - even best friends - need you to tell them clearly what you need or expect. Otherwise they’ll do what they would want, which for me would be sending supporting messages/ small gift or flowers, but never, ever turning up unannounced. If a friend was going through something and wanted me to just pop in randomly on occasion, I’d need to be told or I’d never think of doing it. That doesn’t make me a bad friend, I don’t think.

What is too long, my post?

OP posts:
MaudGonneOutForChips · 09/06/2023 21:19

ItsCalledAConversation · 09/06/2023 21:09

Oh gosh OP, long but I get the gist.

If I was having a hard time the last thing I’d want is for someone to turn up impromptu to “give me a cuddle”. The thought of that would have me turning off all the lights and pretending not to be in.

Everyone has different needs and when you’re going through something tough, people - even best friends - need you to tell them clearly what you need or expect. Otherwise they’ll do what they would want, which for me would be sending supporting messages/ small gift or flowers, but never, ever turning up unannounced. If a friend was going through something and wanted me to just pop in randomly on occasion, I’d need to be told or I’d never think of doing it. That doesn’t make me a bad friend, I don’t think.

I think that’s fair. OP, are you telling your friends clearly what you need?

Original poster
Saucepot1985 · 09/06/2023 21:23

MaudGonneOutForChips · 09/06/2023 21:19

I think that’s fair. OP, are you telling your friends clearly what you need?

Show quote history

See I don’t agree with it completely, not saying the person who posted isn’t fair because I do get it of course, but I have never needed to be told what what I need to do when it comes to being a friend. I don’t mean that arrogantly but like for example when my friends partner was caught cheating I naturally gave an ear, checked in (not to the point of bombardment) clearly said I am here whatever you need etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Saucepot1985 · 09/06/2023 21:24

ItsCalledAConversation · 09/06/2023 21:09

Oh gosh OP, long but I get the gist.

If I was having a hard time the last thing I’d want is for someone to turn up impromptu to “give me a cuddle”. The thought of that would have me turning off all the lights and pretending not to be in.

Everyone has different needs and when you’re going through something tough, people - even best friends - need you to tell them clearly what you need or expect. Otherwise they’ll do what they would want, which for me would be sending supporting messages/ small gift or flowers, but never, ever turning up unannounced. If a friend was going through something and wanted me to just pop in randomly on occasion, I’d need to be told or I’d never think of doing it. That doesn’t make me a bad friend, I don’t think.

But your good friends would know that about you, so probably wouldn’t turn up if they know you wouldn’t like it.

OP posts:
Cornflakecrack · 09/06/2023 21:41

I think it’s hard to read your whole post when there are no paragraphs OP

But I think I’ve got the gist and I know how you feel. I’ve always (I think) been a really supportive friend- checking in on people with a text or call, flowers for difficult anniversaries etc and these are not apparently unwanted gestures and such friends have happily leant on me and asked for support for many years. Some really quite heavily.

I had a major life event a few years ago and realised how unreciprocated the support was from some friends (some were great). One in particular who I had invested a lot of care and time in listening to and helping out basically didn’t want anything to do with me if I asked for support/to be listened to or accused me of making her feel bad or spoiling her day if I was sad. It’s really hurtful but I think all you can do is make choices going forwards about where you invest your time and love and feel liberated by that.

In the end it really allowed me to view friendships from all angles and not just what I could offer them and it means the friends I now have I love all the more.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 09/06/2023 22:09

Saucepot1985 · 09/06/2023 21:23

See I don’t agree with it completely, not saying the person who posted isn’t fair because I do get it of course, but I have never needed to be told what what I need to do when it comes to being a friend. I don’t mean that arrogantly but like for example when my friends partner was caught cheating I naturally gave an ear, checked in (not to the point of bombardment) clearly said I am here whatever you need etc

Show quote history

But your friends aren’t you. You clearly have a very clear sense of what ‘being a friend’ involves when it comes to being the one who helps, but are perhaps less good at communicating your own needs to other people who have a less clear sense of what you would like.

Rainbowsandfairies · 09/06/2023 22:44

I totally get you I've suffered with depression since I was a teenager but I always kept texting my best friend and she would text me back. My other friends I could easily start seeing again once I was feeling better. They knew I'd text them as soon as I was better. HTH Xxx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page