So shaken by the death of an ex colleague I haven't spoken to in years

[Preps]

I mentored him when he was a new graduate. TBH he was useless at what we did and it was hardwork, but he was a thoroughly decent chap, with a really lovely gentle way with him and a killer sense of humour.

He left that industry and qualified as a teacher which seems to have gone much better for him. When I knew him he lacked confidence and was very overweight. He lost weight, married, became a teacher, had children and life seemed to be going really well for him.

He was a huge football fan and I saw someone on SM comment that he'd be loving this week's result and would be smiling down. A little bit of investigation reveals he died earlier this year. He would have been about 48 and DC still in primary school.

My own DH died last year when our DC had just reached adulthood, so expect that's connected, but this news has really floored me.

There's an in memoriam charity page for the hospice that cared for him, would it be really weird for his boss from 25 years ago to comment 4 months after he died?

I don’t think it’ll be weird.

No imo that would be nice. I’d love to know my husband etc was still being thought of by people far and wide.

His family will appreciate messages even later. It will help knowing that he is remembered.

When an ex colleague I hadn't spoken to died, I heard about it within a week or so. I sent his wife an email, worrying slightly that she'd think I was a completely crazy nutter. But I had a lovely, albeit short (totally fine) response from her.

I think that when you lose someone, knowing that there are people out there who liked him and remember him fondly is extraordinarily helpful. My mum died many years ago but now and again I'll bump into someone who'll have something nice to say about her and all these years later, I still appreciate it.

I don't think it'll be weird. I think with things like this the shock is more a sense of our own mortality rather than being emotionally affected by someone we haven't really spoken to in 25 years. I had similar recently, with someone I knew and was FB friends with dying in their late 30s. I hadn't seen it spoken to them or really thought about them in years other than seeing them on my FB feed occasionally but I still felt really hard hit, and I realised it was more a sense of shock that someone the same age as me with kids my age could suddenly just die. It's almost that I wanted an explanation or something for what had happened so I could justify that it was unlikely to happen to me/my husband.

So YANBU at all.

Definitely comment. My Mum said when Dad died that she loved getting all the letters and cards from different people who all remembered different aspects of my Dad. I'm sure your old colleague's wife and children will appreciate hearing from you, especially now actually.

Op how can you possibly think this would be weird

imagine if someone did the same with real relation to your DH. Would you not have savoured every word irrespective of who from?

Actually I did get a rather gushing message from I female ex colleague I'd never heard of, about 6 months after he died. Similar circumstances, she'd looked him up on SM. TBH it raised a few questions from a period in our life when things hadn't run entirely smoothly and I didn't reply to her. But I knew this man long before his marriage.

he was 23 and married later

Added to which, I doubt you were going to leave a gushing message 6 months down the line.

So it’s very different and will be appreciated with no questions

When I lost my mother, the messages I loved both were those that went on to a little detail rather than just saying how sorry they were ie a memory

Although all messages were welcome

but I suggest a detail or memory to include

It's never too late to acknowledge a death or sympathise. I've heard people worry that it's too late as they may have missed a funeral etc. But it's not like missing a birthday. To his nearest and dearest he is dead and will always be dead. In 30 years time they will still feel the loss so it is always a good idea to reach out. Please do it now while it's on your mind. I also got word of a colleague this week and of a school mate a few weeks ago. Both have been on my mind. If you send correspondence to a funeral home they pass it on even if it's months later.

I think it is weird. OP has even spoken to him in over 25 years.

Can you elaborate why weird to pass on your condolences to someone and to perhaps joy down a memory of them

have you lost anyone? Ever?