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Not sure who was in the wrong - but I think my marriage is crappy?

1 reply

Notagoodday7 · 09/06/2023 09:22

Last night, DH was saying the sort of thing he usually does to DS “You should have done x and then y wouldn’t have happened”.

i hate it when he talks like this - it’s not helpful and it’s really shamey as DS will often cry to me and say things like “why did I do x? I’m so stupid!”. Ds has ADHD so I worry about his self esteem.

Anyway, DH was saying that to DS about something inane, so I snapped “stop talking to him like that!”, which prompted DH and I to get into a fight. In front of DS, which isn’t great. We went into another room. I don’t know how to get him to stop talking to DS like that because even when I’ve spoken to him calmly about it, he thinks there’s nothing wrong in talking to DS that way.

In this argument, DH said “if you don’t stop talking to ME like that then I’m not going away with you this weekend.” (we have booked a weekend away).

I asked him if he’d go upstairs so we didn’t have to argue anymore where DS could hear - basically so the argument would stop. He wouldn’t, so I did.

Anwyay, when DH came to bed hours later, waking me, we had a hideous fight. Full of him saying things like “You should be ashamed of yourself” and “that was bad parenting” and “you’re a bad person” etc etc.

I grew up in a shame house, I don’t want to live in one now as an adult. I hate the way DH stalks to DS but he won’t stop, he was raised that way (it’s constant, for example, if DS needs the toilet when we’re out, DH will say “why didn’t you go at home?”).

I think we just have different parenting values. And I don’t think I like DH anymore. He throws around sentences like “you should be ashamed” and “you’re a bad person” and once even “your brain isn’t normal” (I have a generalised anxiety disorder) before.

I want to leave the marriage but I have no money of my own, and not a huge amount of real friends or support. DH has all the money and therefore all the control.

He also blames me for all of it, that I’m the one in the wrong that starts all the fights. I probably do start all the fights but he escalates them horribly.

Anyway, just feeling very sad and depressed and lonely. It’s a bad relationship, isn’t it?

OP posts:
BlahBlahBlerg · 09/06/2023 14:39

It’s a horrible relationship, and one both you and DS would be better off away from.

If you get this post moved to relationships there are lots of very knowledgeable posters on there that can advise about help leaving (if that’s what you want) and finances etc.

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