Hard to say no.

[Neversatno]

Does anyone else find it hard to say no? I have my grandson every weekdays morning so dd can go gym. Then after gym she stays at my house till its time for school run. I have her other son regularly as well. I also have children of my own. My son is a massive handful has alot of mental heath issues. Emotional disregulation, and waiting on ADHD diagnosis. Other stuff to. My son has his friend stay over regularly as well.

I feel like I never get any time to do anything. I need space on my own the empty house feeling. So that I can put music on. Do the things I need to without anyone bugging me.

I know its my fault and it's down to me to say no. But I just feel so guilty . And I have always had to do everything completely on my own. And I don't want the same for them.

First school run or second?

You need to start saying no to her man or sending her home at least.

Or you could say 'great you're here, I'm off out' and go off out by yourself.

Stand up mum and say no...we learnt that off ours and we accept it. My parents have 4 of us but 1 my sister is 30 going on 10 year old and lives with them so if my mum says no she can't manage the grandkids today we accept it and if she rings asking to have them for the day then we know she's feeling fine and off they go x 4 lol. But yes we don't want to take a lend even tho we know in a split second emergency wise they would drop everything to help. Mum n dad still have to have there time aswell.

Why doesn't she go to the gym another time?
once you tell her you can't have grandchild in the mornings it'll be done. Rip off the plaster and tell her you cannot do it anymore.

Because that's when her school age son is at school.

It's not i can't do it anymore I don't want to go from one extreme to the other . Uts also not just her.

She gos in the morning kids get dropped of at school. Then I take baby GS from them till around 11am. Them she stays at my place till 2pm when we both leave for school run. Then I get home around 4.15. During this I have my other son causing madness and really draining me. Then the general stuff of looking after kids.

I get what your saying. It's lovely your a close family but I agree it must be suffocating not to get any free time in your own home and space. Can you have a chat with your dd about how your feeling in a way that she won't take it personally etc?
Is she lonely after her son goes to school? Does she not have her own things to do everyday

Well she's gets to me 11am-11.30 after gym and since we both go to pick up at the same same school she does not see any point in leaving. It's also ly son though he's there all the time and very much in my face constantly.

Sorry if I’m missing something but why does she then stay at yours from 11:30 until afternoon pick up time? Why doesn’t she go home?

Sorry I maybe worded this wrong as you said she doesn’t see the point in going home but we’re talking a good few hours, not 20 minutes or so. Can’t you just say you’ve got things to do so you’ll see her at pick up later?

Oh, come on op. You know the answer to this. You start saying no. Or you remain a martyr to the end of time. Your choice..

Yes! It’s quite mad that someone is using your house as a waiting room for several hours every day when you’re desperate for solitude!

My op is all about finding it hard to say no . Because I feel guilty so 8ts nkt quite that simple

Can you start going to the gym (if you're interested in that)?

Tell her you'll meet her there at 10:30 to pass your grandchild over then split off at that point?

Or do something else at that time

(Or simply say you're doing something else but don't)

That will start to gently break the habit

Shes my daughter so I would waiting room

Sorry OP, your thread is going to be full of people saying "just say no". A lot of people find this sort of situation baffling as they don't struggle saying no, myself included.

You will find these responses frustrating as you want people to come up with excuses you can give her or some kind of tip as to how to deal with it.

The only tip is you need to start forcing yourself to be more assertive and work on your boundaries. That's the only way to get what you want. I don't encounter situations like this because my boundaries are rock solid.

In my experience, most meek people who can't say no never learn how. I hope you aren't one of them- start saying no.

Learning to say no is like a muscle. First few times you train it, it'll feel uncomfortable but if you keep going it will get stronger.

Just tell her you’re struggling and need some quiet down time. Tell her you’ll look after the boy while she’s at the gym, have a quick half hour coffee with her and then have some alone time to recover.

Text her if it’s too tricky to say it

It is like a muscle, once you’ve started to say no it gets much easier saying it

It's possible she thinks she's doing you a favour by keeping you company or something.

I think you should make plans to be out doing something for that time when she hangs around your house. She either hasn't thought about it or thinks it's good for you and needs to be advised that you don't need her there.

Once she's got the message that you have other things you want to do you can have some peace and solitude in your own home !

Can you have her child ready and waiting at your door when she arrives at 11.30? Tell her you have plans for the day? Which is true. Even better if you mention at the first baby drop off that you have plans, so she is expecting it.

When she arrives back can you leave her there with her brother and head out yourself. Even just to a coffee shop to get head space.
Lucky her getting to the gym every morning. Could you start by saying you need Friday to yourself or something. Could she collect your dc from school since she is going anyway? It's not easy as habits have built up and she doesn't sound like she is ever going to think of you.
Can you do something for yourself one morning...anything..so she knows you are not available even one day.
Hopefully she is not continuing this for the whole Summer.

Thank you for picking up on the situation as a whole. I do feel a little stuck because I Need to be home to do the things I need to do.

Things have fell into place a little better this morning as DD needed to go to the police station. And she was ok taking baby with her as he will likely sleep.

My son is at home though.and he's going to be in my face the moment I walk in. I just want caffeine and a snack. Then tidy up my living room in a relaxed Manor with no one in my face demanding.

Maybe go our out more at first to break the pattern and then gradually you can move home. Escape from son too. Even a walk. I have seen assertiveness classes before which might be an idea with your ds especially.

I found when l am busy leading my own life my dc have more respect for my time and it is mentally better for me too.