My 7 year old is ruining me. Please help.

[DutchTeenyPixie]

I am crying typing this.

He is an only child. I split with exH during pregnancy and my DH has been in his life since he was 2. His relationship with him is better than with me.

He answers back, has huge meltdowns, growls at me, tells me he hates me. His temper is horrific. Its been this way for almost a year and now he is going the same way with DGM who looks after him every day after school (at her request).

We give him a nice life perhaps bordering on spoilt. His school reports are glowing, immaculate behaviour but he isn't very socialable at school nor at his extra curricular activities although he enjoys them.

I just don't know how to deal with his behaviour. My sticking point is I do 50/50 contact with his dad and I work full time so I admit our time together is limited.

I am just at a loss. Its pure vitrol from him constantly.

What do you do just the 2 of you together?

I think building a relationship by spending time with him is going to be key to getting things back on an even keel

How much time do you actually have with him 1:1 each week?

My ds was similar at that age but he was also angry at school, he couldn't seem to express himself in a better way. It was a phase but took a play therapist at school to help him channel the energy....so if he got angry he was taught a "safe" outlet. He had a swimming noodle and would hit his bed for a bit when he got mad or frustrated...whack the walls etc! But it was all safe and not hurting himself or others. He had about 4mths of that and then didn't need to use it anymore.

He's been an absolute joy ever since. Kindest boy ever!

Not sure what will help your ds but have you asked him to explain why he says he hates you? (He doesn't hate you by the way, he is using that word to hurt you and get attention)

Not enough 😔 1 full weekend day just me and him (often no DH) and 2 hours between work and bed 3 nights a week. I would love more to try implement good practise but how can I reduce his time with his dad?

I like the pool noodle idea but worried he would just see it as a game as opposed to an outlet. I can try though definitely. Anything to help.

Is it being away from you or being at his dad's that is upsetting him OP, and he's taking it out on his safe person (you)? Could it be that he's masking at school and letting it all out at home? Sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time.

Have you actually called out his behaviour gently and asked why? Is he being fed ideas from your Ex?

I might be going against the grain here but it sounds like you get a good amount of quality time with him, including 1 on 1 time, so it could be completely unrelated to your setup. No advice but my middle child who is 6 is very similar and she has to share me with 2 siblings and has less 1 on 1 time than your DS gets.
I understand why you are second guessing yourself but go easy on yourself. It could be as simple as he is exhausted from being so good at school that he is saving all the shite behaviour for you.
Sounds like you are his safe space, no use to you I know because I know firsthand how devastating it is to be on the end of it.

Neurodiversity of some kind? It's easy to say, but he feels safe to decompress with you, it's a backhanded compliment.

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. It means the world

I have tried asking him, reasoning with him and tonight, after one of the worst yet, I gave him a good rollicking and a few hard truths about his behaviour but it doesn't sink in. He was more upset that he wasn't getting his night time milk (he had drinks before bed and supper, he will be fine).

Pressed.send too quick!

Are there triggers for behaviour? Hungry? Tired? Simple solutions for these.

Praise good, desired behaviour +++

@Wittow I have wondered. He seems very behind socially too. Never mentions other kids unless heavily prompted.

Worth a referral for school nurses to discuss. Masking behaviours are exhausting for some kids and their outlet is safe parent.

There is a book called The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Haven't read it myself but it's often recommended in response to posts like these. Worth checking out? Wishing you good luck.

A big trigger is losing a game. He will scream, shout, smack the carpet, throw the cards or other game items. Then it just escalates from there. But quite often, he will snap out of the meltdown and carry on as if nothing has happened. Its bewildering.

What is he like with his dad?

My DD, who is adopted and has some attachment issues, has similar sounding meltdowns and then can snap back to normal. Then she carried on like nothing has happened and I’m left feeling mildly traumatised!

also 7

I understand how hard it is with this behaviour OP

Has anyone mentioned he might be on the spectrum ? That’s very similar behaviour to someone autistic. How is his relationship with his dad and your partner ?

Honestly, I would take him to your GP first. You may waste years trying to get him to behave “reasonably” when in fact he may have underlying issues eg autism, ADHD etc. Perhaps your GP can get him referred and perhaps tested for such conditions.

Yes maybe SEN needs to be looked at. Also, giving him a rollicking and home truths won’t make his behaviour better, he’s 7. Maybe if he was 17 and had more maturity to understand your argument it would.

Very much like how my daughter was at that age. She was diagnosed autistic at 7. I am her safe person so consequently the one she let's off steam to. Xx

To add to above her behaviour at school wad impeccable

@Sparkleshine21 I am not proud but I was desperate for him to understand the consequence of his actions.

I will speak to our GP and see where we can go. Or is a private assessment more beneficial?

Not every kid that acts out has additional needs. He's likely feeling displaced from being between 2 houses. I had the exact same experience with my DC. I could have written that word for word.

I got over it by implementing consistent punishments for bad behaviour. Removing video game access etc and only returning after the amount of time I initially said had elapsed.

Does he get away with all sorts at his dads?

His dad...isn't great. Very low effort, video games all day, never leave the house, fast food and DS recently told me his dad doesn't get up till lunchtime which I had strong words with exH about.

Having wrote that down and reflecting, I am considering suggesting a new contact pattern with exH to reduce overnights (but keep full days) which I am sure he will agree to like a flash - he very much sees himself as a babysitter doing me the favour. It might also bring more consistency to DS and have a positive impact on his behaviour. I'll sleep on it.