How to deal with mother in law who has been given a terminal diagnosis

[WeekendInTheBoondocks]

My MIL has very sadly been given a year to live. We are all obviously devastated. We are being unwaveringly supportive, we will do anything she asks for.

We have two children, one of whom is 9 months old, the other is 6. We both work full time, both of us under a lot of pressure career wise.

Reason for my post is my MIL is often rude and argumentative. I let it go due to her prognosis but it’s getting harder and harder as she has become more unreasonable and frankly, rude. She’s always been controlling and ‘always right’ but this is another level.

Do I need to suck it up? Obviously she’s scared and very distressed by what she has to deal with and I guess anyone would be angry with the world but, and I admit this is selfish, I feel our lives with our children don’t matter and we will never get these times back with them as we are surrounded by misery at a time that should be joyful. God that sounds selfish. I hope someone can understand where I’m coming from.

If she only has a year to live I would let it go, really.

There's no reason why a terminally ill woman should become her best self, suddenly.

If you're finding her difficult to cope with, step back and be the support team so that your DH can be there with her and do whatever is needed for as long as necessary. Your support doesn't have to be hands on.

You can't go into this with that selfish attitude, no matter how difficult she is, she is your husband's mother, your children's grandparent. She needs all the attention, support you can give her. As for losing time with your children, your husband will never get his time again with his mom ever. Make memories with your children and your mil even if it's just colouring in a picture at her house, small activities she can either participate or watch.

My fil died a few years ago. His illness was painful and meant a lot of bed rest, for months we went every other day- and I absolutely don't begrudge that time- it was special and gave everyone in the family time to make as many memories as possible.

Don't be difficult about this your husband will resent you in the end. Mark this one up to duty and do the right thing.

How much do you see of her? Does she live with you? Best way to deal with it is probably 'little and often' and limit the contact time. Try to put it out if your mind when you are not with her. To be honest, a prognosis of a year is an extremely in exact science. She could live for much longer or be gone in a few months - no one can be that certain. I think I would try to suck it up as much as possible, but perhaps see if your DH can talk to whoever is looking after her. Depression or other factors could be contributing to the way she is behaving and might be treatable to some extent. I think you need to allow some time for her to adjust. She might find spending time with small children quite stressful if in pain etc. Maybe your DH could visit alone sometimes?

My grandmother was extremely unpleasant towards the end of her life, particularly towards my mum (her daughter) who unfailingly and without a moment of moaning did everything for her. It was difficult and my mum found it very hurtful, but my gran used to say to me that my mum was amazing and she couldn't cope without her. I think sometimes you lash out at the ones who you know will love you whatever you say. It's really sad as my mum is left with memories of nasty comments and spite rather than love, but we know my gran was frightened, depressed and struggling to deal with what was happening. It's such a difficult situation, you have my full sympathies.

I can understand how you feel, and really sympathise. I've been through this with a very close family member who under normal circumstances was quite lovely. And she was scared and miserable and lashing out and the year was hellish for everyone. (But most of all for her obviously.)

But however bad it is you know you are going to be coming out the other side and she knows she won't be. I think you have to suck it up and just accept the year will be pretty awful.