Where's the line between perfectly capable layabout and MH that means you can't work?

[Preps]

I'm desperately worried about DS. He's clearly unwell, it all started when he became incredibly isolated in lockdown, then his father became critically ill during a the period when we were unable to visit him, then he came home, a shadow of his former self, to die.

During that time DS was "working from home" although it became apparent that he hadn't done much work and he lost that job, then he tried uni and much the same happened. Too much time on screens and didn't (or was unable?) to motivate himself to get the work done.

He keeps insisting that he's fine, won't see the doctor or have counselling. Is spending most of everyday online, although he does do jobs in the house and garden when I ask. Is completing job applications without much success, but also not applying himself to that with much determination.

As I say I'm desperately worried, but also want to give him a good shake! He needs to help himself, but I genuinely don't know if he's not able or not willing.

He’s Ill op, a good shake isn’t going to any good nor help. People with MH issues cannot just pull themselves together like a pair of curtains.

I suspect that there are many young people who lost their way during lockdown. I think he does need help to get through this OP.

What age is he and what are his qualifications? How is his social side? Any girlfriend?

And has he seen a GP and/or counselling since losing his dad?

I agree with the other posters. He sounds like he's stuck and doesn't want to admit it.
With COVID and now the COL crisis, it's not difficult to see why motivation is down the toilet and young people have such a bleak outlook on life.

They see the older generations killing themselves to have a tiny part of what the ones before had and getting nowhere.

The test is whether he can do things he wants to do ... if there is nothing at all, he wants to do, he may be depressed. If he's invited to a party and he can make it ...

Prioritising short term joy over the long term unknown is a symptom of today's society though. You can still enjoy socialising right now while feeling hopeless about the future and thinking it's pointless even trying.

Bollocks. People with mental hearth issues still go to parties! This is the kind of attitude that keeps people talking about their problems a taboo.

He's not doing anything. He will go and do some gardening or have tea with his grandparents when he's asked but he's not doing anything of his own volition. Has let all his friends go, although he was always an introvert, he did at one point have a small group of friends and some interests that made him excited.

I know shaking him isn't going to do any good, but he's an adult and refusing all suggestions of medical help or counselling.

I just worry that it's all bit easy for him. He can sit at home doing nothing all day because someone else is paying the bills and whilst I'm more than happy to support him while he needs it, I'm not sure this is helping.

Thing is, he has to want help or want to change. Depression doesn't just happen to go away, you have to work hard to change your mindset or take medication to allow you to engage with therapy so you can change the way your brain works. Counselling and therapy only teach you strategies to do this, there is no magic solution. So it has to come from him. Maybe a threat of needing rent etc might help, I'd go with a full conversation about finances and adult life first and see what happens from there.

Also all the evidence shows sitting around is not good, entrenches problems. The only time it may work is if the depression is situational caused by work then time off obviously helps. But generally taking time without purposeful goals makes anxiety and depression worse.

There’s nothing in your post that screams mental illness. Lack of motivation can be a symptom of a few illnesses, but can also be a normal reaction to life sometimes. I agree that without the financial need to earn it can be harder to motivate yourself unless you have other reasons to want to work.
The fact he can do tasks without struggling when asked (and potentially unprompted too: the application forms?) suggests he is able to function. It’s important he keeps doing these things, and also that he does things he enjoys (or used to enjoy, if depression has caused a loss of enjoyment).
im not sure if he has a diagnosis of mental illness from your post, or if you’re just querying it?

How old is he OP?

Also, when did his father pass away?

My teenagers lost their dad to Covid ( my ex), it was horrendous . Life altering , I did and continue to acknowledge this . They both had significant counselling and that really helped .

I took the tack just try it a few times and see if it helps this seemed to take pressure off.

Honestly I paid for it on my credit cards still paying it off but it was worth every penny .

We talked about working together to find the light switch in a dark room , you may not feel that it's there but it is and it's your job to find it and I'll help.

Start small ,he needs to help a little in the house . Allotted jobs so you don't always have to ask .

If he can't managed full time work, he probably can't , can he manage a day a week , volunteering?

It's so hard to see your kids in pain to experience something so hard .

I know for my kids loosing their dad young was sad but also made them feel like a club they didn't want to be part of , that they are different from their friends .

My ds who was 17 when his dad died said he felt like he was 40 and had carried too much .

If it gives you hope they are fine now living good lives , lives forever changed by their loss but good lives nonetheless.

I think he does sound like he has done mental health issues going on, possibly depression.

But I also agree with you that the status quo may not be helping.

There are a lot of positives in your post - he is still willing to do tasks, see grandparents, apply for jobs. He sounds like a nice lad. I would focus on offering as much support as you can, particularly with the job applications, which might be a route out of this rut, but also gentle encouragement and support to get outside, exercise, start to socialise or pursue hobbies. GP if he is willing but you can't really force an adult to speak to a doctor. It will probably take time and patience.

Whatever is the underlying cause, it’s not doing him any good at all. I think you need to insist on a proper talk.

Either is is struggling mentally in which case he must seek help. Or else he’s fine mentally in which case he needs to get off his arse. Once they get into a comfort zone it’s very difficult to shift them.

From what you say he might just be massively lacking in self confidence. Is there some charity work near by he could start off with - food bank, soup kitchen etc. Just get him out there meeting people and discovering that he can cope.

It does seem very hard for them to find jobs that are vaguely rewarding and enjoyable, even if low paid. Much harder than when I was that age.