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Original poster

Uncomfortable about teacher

29 replies

JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 13:47

Not sure whether I'm being a bit extreme or not. DD is in Y3. Yesterday they were reading 'The Tunnel' in class. The teacher asked the class if they could think of anyone that liked to play alone or not play with others. A few people suggested names of her classmates. She said I'm thinking of someone else. Does the person I'm thinking of want to give me a little nod? DD nodded. Teacher then asked if the person would mind standing up, so DD stood up.

A couple of months ago the teacher pulled me aside to say she was concerned that DD will often choose to play alone or talk to the adults. DD seems to be going through a shy patch, having previously been pretty confident. She told me she sometimes likes practising playing tennis against the wall if no one wants to play tennis and she fancies it. Sometimes I don't think she does want to play alone, but is too shy. I find it really strange that the teacher did this in the class - am I overreacting? It's made me think wtf and feel really uncomfortable for DD and those other kids that were named.

OP posts:
hotjuneafternoon · 08/06/2023 13:54

yeah, that's weird and inappropriate.
The best thing would involve
the teacher taking her aside for a chat on her own, to see how she is. Definitely not in front of the whole class. I was a quiet kid and would've hated this.

Clymene · 08/06/2023 13:56

That's really weird and quite unpleasant actually.

yorkypuds · 08/06/2023 14:04

I think it is reasonable to ask the teacher what the context was!

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WhineWhineWhineWINE · 08/06/2023 14:05

I would have a chat with the teacher and get her side. If it happened as DD described, I'd be unhappy at her being singled out in that way. If it didn't happen as DD described, I'd want the teacher to know that that is the way DD interpreted what had happened, which is also not acceptable. I'd want to know what she was trying to achieve here and whether she'd considered how a shy child might feel about having her shyness brought to the attention of the whole class - surely it's obvious that it's not going to help a child feel more confident to have the spotlight on her.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 08/06/2023 14:07

How is that supposed to help your DD if the teacher said 'likes to play alone'? That would make the class think that your DD never likes to play with others and would stop them asking her to join in with games.

There seems no point to it apart from making your DD look 'different'.

Original poster
JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 14:14

Not sure what I can do - the damage has been done. DD says she is ok with teacher saying it, but what signal does it send her and the rest of the class? Don't ask these kids to play - they like being on their own. I lost a lot of confidence and went through a shy period at school about a year older than DD - I too sought approval from a teacher that would come out with pretty shitty bullying comments in front of the whole class (not comparable to this post) - it took me months to tell my parents as I was mortified they'd say something. Not sure if I'm projecting a bit now.

Teacher has form for not being discreet - DD had a kid sitting next to her in class - other kid was pretty disruptive - overall deliberate heavy handedness breaking peoples' stuff, low level disruption- scribbling on her work, logging DD off chromebook, emptying pencil cases on floor - cumulatively it started to have an impact. I asked teacher to separate them and said DD didn't want a big deal made of it, but could they be separated and could she monitor situation. I said I'd be worried DD wouldn't tell me future incidents if a big deal was made. Teacher called them both into a room and related the incidents and asked what they both had to say. DD was mortified and told me later that she wished she hadn't told me. I don't blame her. Other kid was moved to sit next to someone else. DD was sat on her own. Again, I think this is weird messaging.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 08/06/2023 14:15

Bizarre, inappropriate and seems designed to single out your child in a negative way. I would definitely ask the teacher (not in an all guns blazing way) her version, and tell her how it made your Dd feel.

CalistoNoSolo · 08/06/2023 14:17

Just seen your update. The teacher sounds like an idiot. Can your daughter move class?

BounceyB · 08/06/2023 14:20

Very odd behaviour. Did you ask your daughter how it made her feel?

I would ask the teacher for her version of events and then tell her how it made your DD feel.

Original poster
JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 14:22

None of the kids mentioned DD's name. The teacher did and got her to stand up. DD seemed ok with it to me (she got attention from the teacher) - will she play more on her own now to gain approval? DD was voted year council rep at start of year by class, so I'm not sure what's happened since. She's quite empathetic and I've never been spoken to by school in a negative way about her behaviour towards others etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 14:23

It's one form entry. I have another child in the school, so also have to consider that.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 08/06/2023 14:27

In fairness I think teachers have a lot of complex social issues to deal with in class - I know many teacher friends who have said the landscape seems to have hugely changed post Covid. They’re dealing with stuff that’s very different and new to them without the headspace for reflection beforehand. Some people also aren’t that skilled in dealing with tricky dynamics.

I’d have a chat to the teacher about her intention for the interaction and any follow up she might need to put in place to support your daughter. She shouldn’t have singled her out but I think it was maybe more a clumsy attempt rather than anything designed to make things worse. It’s easy to sit at home with a coffee and think of the hundred ways she could have done it better, much harder to do that in the moment in a class faced with a situation in front of you.

Magnoliainbloom · 08/06/2023 14:32

That would upset me if my child was singled out in that way in front of the class. I agree that you need to find out what the context was.

Napmum · 08/06/2023 14:34

JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 14:14

Not sure what I can do - the damage has been done. DD says she is ok with teacher saying it, but what signal does it send her and the rest of the class? Don't ask these kids to play - they like being on their own. I lost a lot of confidence and went through a shy period at school about a year older than DD - I too sought approval from a teacher that would come out with pretty shitty bullying comments in front of the whole class (not comparable to this post) - it took me months to tell my parents as I was mortified they'd say something. Not sure if I'm projecting a bit now.

Teacher has form for not being discreet - DD had a kid sitting next to her in class - other kid was pretty disruptive - overall deliberate heavy handedness breaking peoples' stuff, low level disruption- scribbling on her work, logging DD off chromebook, emptying pencil cases on floor - cumulatively it started to have an impact. I asked teacher to separate them and said DD didn't want a big deal made of it, but could they be separated and could she monitor situation. I said I'd be worried DD wouldn't tell me future incidents if a big deal was made. Teacher called them both into a room and related the incidents and asked what they both had to say. DD was mortified and told me later that she wished she hadn't told me. I don't blame her. Other kid was moved to sit next to someone else. DD was sat on her own. Again, I think this is weird messaging.

Considering this incident and now the new one. I personally would talk to the head teacher about how this teacher is handling your DD. It sounds like they need some feedback that there are other ways to handle situations, and always going in with a heavy hand is not good.

Original poster
JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 14:41

@Jellycatspyjamas I agree teachers have been given a hard time, but this was a situation the teacher orchestrated. If a pupil had said 'who is like x character' and it was handled clumsily, I'd understand more. Teacher runs a club for a few in the top end of class with a few in the year above and has said DD doesn't need to attend anymore. DD asked her why and teacher said it's because she thinks she's struggling. DD told me she doesn't think she is (normally downplays her ability, so I tend to believe her, but am open), but nodded to teacher. I was planning on speaking to teacher anyway to ask what area I should give DD assistance in if she's struggling. This happened last week. I asked DD why she'd done all the levels in her homework last week (they normally just do the one catered to their ability). DD said it was so the teacher could see she was able to get all the other questions right too so she could do the club again. Again, seeking approval.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 14:46

Thanks for feedback. How do I make sure DD doesn't know I've spoken to teacher. I'm worried she won't trust me after what happened last time. I can't trust teacher to be discreet.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 08/06/2023 15:11

Personally, I would be honest with DD and tell her exactly (age appropriately) what i'm going to say to the teacher, why I am worried and why I feel its necessary. I would also request that the HT is also at the meeting and go in with a cheat sheet so I'm not deflected. I'm not suprised you're worried, I would be very pissed off if a teacher was continually singling out my DD in this way.

Original poster
JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 19:05

She's adamant she doesn't want me to. I feel torn.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 08/06/2023 19:26

In fairness I think teachers have a lot of complex social issues to deal with in class - I know many teacher friends who have said the landscape seems to have hugely changed post Covid. They’re dealing with stuff that’s very different and new to them without the headspace for reflection beforehand. Some people also aren’t that skilled in dealing with tricky dynamics.

In that case they should stick to the basics and avoid the temptation to meddle as the OP has described.

rainuntilseptember · 08/06/2023 19:29

This is awful

Original poster
JustAnotherRandom · 08/06/2023 20:01

Just to update teacher didn't actually say 'does not want to play with others', it was 'likes to play alone'. Each time a classmate suggested a person, teacher asked the named person in front of the whole class and they said 'no'. How bloody embarrassing for them. It's like, these particular people are on their own, but don't want to be. Each time a person said that, teacher was 'no, I'm thinking of someone that actually likes to be on their own'. For all I know, DD could have told her that at some point if teacher had a word with her - either on a day she did want to be alone or out of embarrassment. The teacher then mentioned some of the boys in class that could play a bit roughly sometimes (for boy character in book).

If I thought teacher would not say anything to DD, I would talk to her, but feel more damage would be done than not raising it if teacher then tells her. I don't even know what I want to achieve as it's been said now and damage done. I'm just angry and upset. A bit guilty too as not invited many playdates over in last year as fucked by long covid.

Any teachers out there with a view?

OP posts:
Toffpops · 08/06/2023 20:24

I’m a teacher OP-and I’d speak to the head. That’s really poor practice and needs dealing with. I can’t think of a single reason why any teacher would do this. Shocking.

rainuntilseptember · 08/06/2023 20:52

I am also a teacher. The only way it's not awful is it there is some big piece missing from your child's memory of it!

lavenderlou · 08/06/2023 20:55

I'm a teacher and I use the same book in class. There was no reason whatsoever to single out children who play alone and it's very inappropriate to single out a child like that. I would speak to the teacher directly just so they know not to do it again.

Plasticplantpot · 08/06/2023 20:57

The teacher sounds like a nasty piece of work. Always one in every school.