Help me feel better at bringing DC into the world

[Falafelfiend]

Long term MN user; changed my name. Feeling very fragile, so please be gentle. Deliberately not posting in AIBU for that reason. And this is long!

Feeling the most terrible angst/ crippling anxiety at bringing DC into the world. They are not toddlers; they are young adults in uni.

Background: I am a first generation immigrant from a country where women are not treated well. My mum never had any opportunities or much money. I had a bit more of both; worked hard to get an education and to move up the ladder.

Had DC with a lot of careful thinking only when I was ready and financially secure. Was overjoyed to have a DD thinking I could give her the best education and make her financially independent unlike so many women in my community. Had a DS 4 years later.

Fast forward 22 years later and all my optimism is gone. DD developed severe MH problems in the pandemic and had to take time off. Now back at uni but has lost much of her enthusiasm and drive. Part of it is that both she and DS don't see much hope in the world: the UK in recession, AI making so many jobs obsolete, climate change, Cost of Living...

Nearly all DD's friends are doing poorly paid gig jobs and still living with parents, or living off them. Not for lack of effort; some have applied to every job going. My sister's DD, very bright and hardworking, has been laid off twice in the last 6 months because of company restructuring and the relentless drive to make profits. My extended family back in my home country are suffering from climate change already. It all seems so bleak.

I think this generation has had so much to cope with in the last few years: pandemic, climate change, AI.. the list is endless. And yes, I know future generations had wars and stuff to cope with too. But somehow I feel exhausted with the responsibility of helping my DC do well. ( I know it's up to them but immigrant Type A personality definitely comes into play).

I am 52, and part of this may be peri-menopause. I went to the GP who has put me on HRT. Been on it a month and no change. Still lie awake at night wishing I had started a business that would employ my children. DH also worries exactly the same, so we are no good with each other.

I am fit, slim ( ish), exercise daily, eat healthy, do not drink. Tried counselling but did not work, so I began HRT instead.

I just feel so guilty all the time.

No answers to your dilemma OP, it’s hard to see your adult DC struggle esp with mental issues. But such a thoughtful post. At least sounds like your DC have a supportive family.

I also meant to add if your anxiety and worry is so crippling, perhaps you could ask for further help from your GP? There is medication available for anxiety. Not saying that’s the issue here but might be helpful. Or if GP not helpful, go private if you can afford it.

You sound like a wonderful parent and you have done everything right. Your DDs health is not your fault.

You are right in that every generation has it's challenges and often they look less in hindsight. When I was in my 20s there were two things which I thought meant we were doomed, the threat of nuclear war and population explosion and mass starvation. Events changed and they became less of a danger.

It sounds to me that you need to look after yourself. If HRT isn't the answer then maybe you should see your doctor about depression/ anxiety, you are catastrophising and it's a spiral that's hard to get out of. Medication can help.

There’s nothing you can do at this stage OP aside from listen. I had absolutely crippling MH problems due to a chronic health issue that wrecked my twenties but I’m still here and relatively happy! Just keep supporting and remember you can’t fill anyone’s cup if yours is empty.

Things won’t be like this for them forever. It’s difficult to comprehend that now, when you’re all in the thick of it, but it really is true.

I downloaded the NHS Patient app quite recently: it has my medical history going back to 2006 in it and I browsed through it. It was so so strange reading the notes from back then about my depression, referrals from my GP stating how low I’d described feeling etc; and remembering with it how much I hated being at university, and then after, how down I was in the low-paid job with the pretty awful employer I had for the first two years after graduating (which I did right into the 2008 recession), and feeling lonely because I had few friends, and how everything just seemed quite hopeless. I’m sure I was a huge worry to my parents.

But I’d forgotten all about that time, and I truly don’t recognise the sad, miserable, hopeless young Comtesse of chapters 19 – 23. She’s long gone. My life began to pick up around the age of 25 as I found my feet, grew into adulthood, and stopped feeling like an overgrown kid who didn’t really know what to do. By 30, life had really taken off: I knew who I was, I knew my worth, and I had the confidence to state what I wanted and go looking for it. I’m 37 now and there is absolutely nothing I’d change about my life, not one thing. I don’t think the miserable early years taught me any lessons in particular, but the older I’ve got and the more people I’ve known, I’ve realised that a lot of people I know felt the same back then. And you know what? Most of them are doing really well now, too.

Worrying about climate change is, yes, a bit of a trickier worry to allay; perhaps encourage DC to think about the worries of previous generations e.g. the Cold War and the nuclear threat and how events changed which make that seem to those who weren’t there at the time, almost ridiculous We can’t predict the future and what might happen – which means we also can’t say with any certainty that it won’t actually be much better rather than worse.

Every generation thinks that they are facing the end of the world. I'm not saying our challenges aren't real, but so was the cold war, acid rain, oil running out, the hole in the ozone layer, Nazism, the blitz, the horrors of "The Great War", the depression...

Watch Hans Rosling's TED talks if you want a factual antidote to modern existential panic.

If it's all so dreadful, then you and your daughter need to do something about it, in a small way. Volunteer for a cause that you believe in.

When I look at my lovely adult Dds I think that in many ways their lives are easier than mine was ... lots of freedoms I did not have. They have had challenges of course and they have worked through them.
Now when it comes to my DGC they too have lots of opportunities ahead of them, but I do deeply worry about the whole gender discussion and the impact this might have in their developing minds .. such confusion for them to get their heads around.

Thanks so much for all the kind responses and for not telling me off. @ComtesseDeSpair I found your response so helpful and wise. I do think this generation and particularly DD may be late bloomers. I am so heartened to read about how you are doing well now.

I think because of my background I thought that if I educated my DC, gave them freedom ( they have a lot of it), food, and clothing ( my mum didn't even have that), they would be happy. But happiness isn't something you can order from Tesco, is it? I know they have to work for it. They do work hard and in fact, both are working over the summer in retail jobs.

I was thinking I should try the HRT before asking for more anxiety meds?

I have also read Hans Roslin many years ago and he really helped me back then. True that every generation has its own challenges. It's just that I feel like the pace of change has been breakneck for a few years now.

Can I just recommend recruitment agencies for when your dcs are looking for work. Ds1 was a new graduate applying for jobs and getting nowhere, but registered with a grad agency and had interviews within the week and a good job within a month. Two years later he's still there, been promoted and loving his life. Don't despair, things can change. I used to be up nights worrying myself sick about him because he has ADHD and bad anxiety, but it's worked out. You never know what's round the corner.

We all want our children to be happy.

When my Dd was 17 to 20 she had severe mental health problems. I felt similar to how you feel now. I saw no hope for the human race. Now she is 26 she couldn’t be happier.

I care about climate change and all the other stuff. Now my Dd is better I can cope with all the doom and gloom about the future much better.

Mine are younger than yours (still school
age) and I feel the same. I wish I had been wiser. The country is a cesspit, and I really worry for their future. My eldest (12) already talks of emigrating (I have absolutely not shared with him my views of how hard this country is. He’s quite politically astute and sees things for himself.).

My kids are much younger but of course things like climate change are a massive worry. I suppose what I try to think about, and this is especially applicable to employment worries like you describe, is that you can still be happy alongside being stressed, anxious, broke, bored, etc. It's not one or the other. I worry daily about climate change but I can still enjoy a laugh with friends or when reading something funny online, reading an interesting book, eating some chocolate or the sun on my face. And I just hope my dc have those pleasures as well, for as long as they can. That's all any of us can hope for really.

OP what if there really isn't anything your worrying can do? Why not enjoy all the blessing s you have? Some are in their late 40s and haven't found a life partner, some have been married over 10yrs and spent so much on ARTs with nothing to show. The UK is actually cleaner than it's been in decades. No coal smog, etc. Read some alternatives to your usual news sources and you'll see perceptions are totally different. My DH thinks this is one of the safest times to be alive. My MIL 89 yday from watching BBC and reading DailyMail mentions things they've said or published and he corrects her. Those news channels don't allow any differing professional views. So there isn't any true balance in the public discourse just fear to manipulate the public so we can have bigger govt, ie more power to govt and more money for corporations.
Look at this analysis for example https://notthebee.com/article/bidens-climate-czar-john-kerry-celebrated-the-anniversary-of-d-day-by-comparing-it-to-fighting-climate-change If you've listened to JK compare the fight against climate change to the present danger at the time at Normandy you'll be filled with fear too. First it was the ozone layer, then global warming and now climate change. Climate changes, that's what it does. Some parts are hot, some are cool. Humans have always migrated but we seem to want the climate to do what we want, remain always predictable and controlled.

Do the bit you can but don't sacrifice your self on the altar of "CC". We have a responsibility to reduce pollution if we can, so we do our bit but really it's organisations and governments of the highest polluting countries that can reduce that. China, India etc. Not govts of the already low polluting countries. In the end these countries will weaken economically and be at the mercy of the major pollutants anyway. Who knows, we might have an ice age in 3 decades and then a warm spell in another 3 decades.

I went out for the day and walked in a lovely park to get some perspective. And of course you are all right, and I am being overly dramatic. Thank you all.

I particulary like what you said @FrozenGhost. You are absolutely right that you can worry, but still enjoy life. I enjoyed the sun on my face today and a nice icecream. That is all anyone can hope for and that is all I can do for my DC.

I think I am just tired as it feels like I haven't had a break from worry about DC since the pandemic. Obviously, so many other people have it far worse. I need to remember that.

Im glad that you are feeling better. We have news and media doom-mongering at us all the time, OP, so it's really hard not to take it on board.

Unfortunately I also think that worrying about your kids is also pretty normal and hard to resist.

If you like Rosling, you might also like Steven Pinkerton. I also just watched Kurgestat's "The Last Human" on YouTube was also good (short and upbeat).

I wasn't being snide when I suggested trying to volunteer or lobby in some small way. I think the world is steadily improving, and it's happening because lots of normal everyday people try to make the world a better place in their own way. It can feel really overwhelming, because the world is really big, and the really big powers often fail us, but change for the better happens, and it happens because of lots of normal people do small things.

It sounds like you are very supportive parents and that is extremely important in the midst of all this. Your children will eventually find their way even if they end up doing another degree or retraining in a different sector etc they are young and as long as there is human life there will be jobs regardless of the state of the world so stop pressuring yourself so much!
You can by all means see a private GP and be put on medication very easily but I do not recommend this unless you have suicidal thoughts developing or that the physical symptoms of anxiety are stopping you living your life or at the worst case panic attacks. HRT hopefully will help you eventually but most women your age will benefit from a DHEA supplement (you can research this but blood tests needed to get optimal levels of DHEA In the blood) and also please check your vitamin D level as this affects mood and the NHS lower limit of 50 is far too low, aim for 100. New studies are supporting this but I imagine NHS won’t deal with the cost. Vitamin D is a hormone and affects mood and most people even with ‘normal’ levels are at the lower end.
Good luck and well done, my parents feel the same but I love them dearly for their sacrifices as I am sure your children do too. In the past people struggled but did do differently and somehow were mentally healthier in smaller communities with less technology. You did your best but all of us are stuck in this selfish toxic culture we have created for ourselves with social media etc.

First of all, stop worrying about Climate change, the Climate always changes, has been changing for billions of years and will continue to change.

The world isn't ending. The majority of Climate talk is just people looking to make money, Climate is Big Business. Ever wondered why most "solutions" to it cost money?

Pollution is bad, but not if pay the ULEZ fee!

AI will change the world, no doubt, but your kids will have to adapt. Not every economy will make it through, but most will.

The biggest challenge will be the the economy, not the climate. How will we replace the current system?

Your kids will have to be tough, but they will do it.