Looking to chat to 40+ Mums as it's not something I feel I can discuss irl / no close mum friends unfortunately.
Quick version is - if you were 40+ when you had your first, how did you weigh up the pros and cons of having a 2nd DC.
Long version is: I was 41 when I had my DS. (Actually turned 41 the day before). I didn't meet my husband until 37 so it wasn't a "choice" just how things worked out.
Anyway DS is now almost 3, and we have been TTC for nearly a year. We couldn't start sooner as I had some post-birth gynaecological complications which took ages to be resolved.
My feelings are I'd love a second as I'd love a family of 4. Neither husband or I have wider family around. I'd love two children moving into the future (not so much about feeling broody or wanting another a baby per se, more about wanting that family unit and two lovely children).
So obviously (I'm 43) there's a high chance it don't happen and so I'm always just trying to stay present and see what happens. What will be will be. I was fortunate enough to have a text book pregnancy and birth (though awful post/partum care in Covid) and I'm a fit 43 year old, hormones are normal, plus we are both fit and healthy non smokers, healthy eaters etc so we have as good a chance as any 43 year old.
If it happens it happens, and if it doesn't we have our gorgeous little boy. That's what I keep telling myself.
BUT- as he gets older and more independent I'm starting to enjoy it so much more. I actually hated the toddler stage. I love that he's now so much more independent and we can have interesting chats and so on. I saw a couple of mums with babies this morning and felt a bit of relief that I didn't have to do all that. But at the same time I do really want that family unit if possible.
Did anyone else feel this way and how did you move forward? How has it worked out if you did have a 2nd?
Thoughts I've had (randomly) are:
- a 2nd might disrupt our happy family and our little boy too much
- what if a new baby had high needs - could we cope? (We have no other support)
- what if something happened to me health-wise - we have no-one else
- what if DS really struggled to accept baby or what if the siblings never got on / always fought each other. Did anyone ever go on to regret having a second for these reasons?
- Selfishly, how would another pregnancy at my age affect my body and health and would it make me feel older
On the other hand:
- if no 2nd child will DS hate being an only? As he gets older? Would he resent us?
- if we remain a 3, what will our lives be like when DS is older? Will it be sad at particular times when others have lots of family around e.g. on holidays and at Christmas time for example?
- After DH and I pass away what if DS had no-one left?
- Will DS miss out on things by not having a sibling
- Would it always be s source of great sadness if we never could conceive again? Would it affect DH and my relationship? Eg a constant sadness?
A lot of thoughts swirling around my head. Ultimately I can't control it, other than to stop trying at some point.
I would love to hear some perspective specifically from mums aged 40+. I live in London where it's common / normal to be this age but when I come on Mumsnet I read a lot about how it's selfish to have kids past 35 and you are geriatric etc - which I try and ignore!
Sorry this was so long!