Setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.

[JoJothesquirrel]

i have accepted i do this, the turning point was when Dh shouted at (something I’ve never seen in 15 years) because I had taken some holiday after working shifts and not getting a break for weeks, and then used that holiday to go and help someone else do something they didn’t want to do themselves. I hadn’t heard all the times he asked if I was sure I wanted to do it, then asked why I was doing etc etc.

so next time a similar situation rolled round I said no, that doesn’t work for me (while burning hot and heart beating out my chest). That was this weekend. But I then didn’t do what I wanted to do or anything in fact because I felt paralysed. I can’t really explain it but I might has well have just done it cause I didn’t use the time for myself anyway. I mainly sat in my room dreading my phone ringing.

how do you get to the next part, when someone wants you to do something, let’s say take them to a shop on the other side of town then clean when you take them home, and you say no, that doesn’t work for me and then do what you want? I think my feeling if I did something I wanted the next time they asked they’d have more ammunition for why I had time to do it.

I don’t feel stronger or more empowered, I think I wasted the weekend anything so I might as well have gone.

The art of saying NO!
So, you gave your first step, keep walking that way!
You felt this way the first time, but it will ease. The fact that your wording is rather strong (talking about setting yourself on fire instead of bending over backwards, which is more commonly used) tells me that you are close to be burnt.
Now, if you get burnt, none of you will get anything. You need to rest and take care of yourself 💐

But you DID do what you wanted to do!! You wanted to say no to their request and you achieved it, so give yourself a massive pat on the back.

Just because you have said no to something, it doesn't mean you have to do something else instead. If you want to do nothing with your free time that's fine, everybody needs downtime.

Well done, keep up the good work.

You can't change ingrained behaviour all in one go, you've been like this for years it'll take a while for your brain and emotions to reset.

Keep going with balancing your own needs against the wants of everyone you know, it'll get a bit easier every time. Don't get drawn into explaining or justifying. It's not anyone else's business to decide whether what you intend to do is 'good enough' to avoid helping them.

You're doing great!

The more you do it the easier it will get.

Is there anything you might enjoy doing just for you? Swimming, reading, exercise, gardening, go for a walk, getting a haircut, see a friend, take your DC for hot choc or ice cram? Pick one thing and build up from there. But even if you just spend the time watching TV or scrolling your phone that's okay too.

ah, I typed a whole reply then scrolled back to make sure I referenced everything and lost it. The replies have made me cry.

i wanted to enjoy the nice sunny weekend but I sat inside feeling guilty (I think) which sorta defeats the purpose.

I hate an awkward situation (but then I guess everyone does) I just need to deal with things like my kids posting that we’ve done X and Y when I’ve said no to helping someone. Ugh was I off the day they taught backbone as school.

If people don't expect you to say yes, they will ask less, so you won't have to deal with it. No-one would ever ask me to do something like a lift and cleaning their house because they know I'd just laugh - I'm a single parent of four kids so I do things for my kids but no-one else. So just make yourself into someone not worth asking!

I have a weird fantasy where I get one of those all consuming hobbies so every weekend and holidays involved trailing somewhere with loads of equipment and coming back knackered. Then I’d have an excuse, but I don’t actually fancy golf.

Stop feeling guilty. Stop it!!

So what if your dc post pictures of them doing X and Y when you've said no to helping someone? You don't need to have excuses for saying no. The fact that you don't want to do it is enough.

I'm not normally one for recommending books on here, but someone else did once, and I bought it. The book is called The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k by Sarah Knight. It really helped me think differently.

I do understand. I had been like this for years and years, mainly due to a childhood personality shaped by extended family members. They always turned to me for help, from a young age, and made me feel like I was “obliged.” I’d feel an overwhelming sense of guilt if I said no, and scared of their opinion, as they were intimidating and had a sense of “power” over the family.

I then became a “martyr” through university for friends and relatives. It is EXTREMELY difficult to break habits that are ingrained as part of you. Over time, I started to realise how it is okay to not put others before yourself, and realise when this is necessary. Otherwise, you end up a pushover, and some people will simply take advantage expect more and more from you, whilst giving less. On the other hand, many people appreciate this and respect you, however it is incredibly important to draw the like where you make sure you stand up for yourself and aren’t being used.

I guess you just have to learn that only you can prioritise yourself, and make boundaries. I believe it’s a good trait to help others where possible, but not to the extent where you consistently suffer yourself, and are taken advantage of by those close to you. I think it comes with age as well, and distancing yourself from people who make you feel anxious. If you have people in your life to whom you are afraid to say “no” - it is unhealthy, and will require self work to and patience to stand up for yourself.

Take up walking. I went for a really long walk on Saturday. You wouldn't believe just how tiring it is walking at speed from one end of Milton Keynes shopping centre to the other and back again.

Just say sorry, you're busy. That's the end of it. You're not obliged to divulge what you're busy doing!!

Thanks @reddragon7 that sounds really similar to what I’m dealing with.

i think guilt is something you feel or don’t (not like psychopath way) so it is a habit to break. I think I might make a list of everything I feel guilty about and try and see if it’s reasonable.

thanks again for everyone’s help. I kinda expected suggestions of better time management techniques.

Who is it that's asking you for these favours? Family? Friends? Any reason they can't do themselves or ask others? Would you ask them for similar?

Well, family are the worst offenders who just assume I’m helping with whatever. But also things like cubs where if they ask me to help I always say yes, likewise taking on extra a work. Just never occurs to me to say no, but I have started observing other people saying no or not just now and that’s been a bit of a revelation cause they don’t seem to get cast out.