Boundaries for suffocating relative

[Picnicsinwinter]

I have an immediate relative who is very suffocating and bombards me with text messages and phone calls daily. I rarely answer the phone calls as they will expect to chat for 1-2 hours each time. Even when I make excuses or have a genuine reason to cut it short they continue to start a new conversation to keep me on the line so I have to abruptly hang up. If I respond to a text message they see it as an opportunity to call me as I must be free to talk. If I don’t answer for more than a day they will harass everyone we mutually know to make sure I am still alive. They came to my house to check once despite knowing I was at work and therefore busy and unable to chat.
I now dread any contact as it becomes overwhelming and stressful. I no longer enjoy talking to them and find myself being unfairly snappy and off with them. They aren’t local so we don’t see each other in person very often. It makes me feel guilty as I know they are lonely but it isn’t my sole responsibility to fill that void for them, particularly at the moment where I am struggling with pregnancy and hormones. I have a busy life with a full time job, children including being pregnant, and I’ve had several health issues in the recent months where they have overstepped boundaries hugely and not given me the recovery time I asked for. My DH doesn’t want to get involved by having a word as it would cause an atmosphere when we do see this relative at occasional family get togethers.
I know I need to tell them to back off and give me space, but it hasn’t been respected so far so it’s unlikely to work at all. I don’t have the heart to go NC, but a maximum of once a week to check in on each other is more than I’m comfortable with right now. We have nothing to talk about in general so it’s generally me listening to them and having no input to return, almost like I’m a therapist to them. How do I do this in the kindest way?

Does this relative have any kind of learning disability, ASD or vulnerability which may explain their behaviour?

"My DH doesn’t want to get involved by having a word as it would cause an atmosphere when we do see this relative at occasional family get togethers."
So he'd rather you, his pregnant wife, gets stressed out and pressured by a suffocating boundaries-demolishing bulldozer, than he risk an 'atmosphere' at infrequent intervals? Fuck that! He needs to step up and be a supportive husband here. I would be more pissed off with him than with the relative.

There is no 'kind' way to get them to back off. Anything that a normal person would consider to be kind and diplomatic, your relative is likely to be peeved at. So really - don't try to be kind, just go for blunt. Tell them their behaviour is making you ill and that they need to back the fuck off, and that if they don't you'll have no option but to go no-contact with them. And while you're at it, tell your husband his crappy unsupportive attitude is a huge disappointment to you.

So it's his relative (mum?) He's the one ghat needs to sort her out by telling her straight to stop. It's stressing you out and you're pregnant. What is he thinking, not wanting to say anything?!

You have to brace yourself to be very firm and blunt. Nothing else will work. I know you want to be kind, but don't think there's a way to do it, although you don't need to be rude. It isn't your responsibility to fill the loneliness in your relative's life - are there no other family members who could take your place?

What relation is this person to you?

find myself being unfairly snappy and off with them.

^ No it’s not unfair. They are disrespecting your boudaries and it’s ok to feel angry about that. Change that mindset. They are the problem not you.

I also agree that your partner needs to step up and support you…If it’s his family I would say he needs to lead on enforcing the boundaries.

personally I would decide what level
of contact I was happy with (eg 1 call a week and 1 visit a month) and then stick to that like stone. No answering texts outside of that time, just plain ignoring them. If need be block their number from being able to contact you for a few days at a time.

Are you quite a people pleaser op? Are you direct with how to speak to them? Some people just don’t take the hint, so saying things like “oh I’m a bit busy right now” doesn’t work. Some people need blunt and direct language like “no I am not free for a call. I will speak to you Tuesday” or “no you cannot visit Friday. However you are welcome next Wednesday at 3pm”.

my mum got massively intense with contact at one point and I ended up blocking her on everything for 6 weeks. She’s not been so bad since. However I only maintain boudaries by being blunt and occasionally plain rude….because nothing else works. If I’m too soft or kind she takes advantage. That’s her problem though, not mine. Just like your issue is your relatives issue and not yours.

Not DH’s relative, so he feels uncomfortable causing issues between himself and a relative of mine, understandably. He is a supportive husband and has often answered the phone for me telling him I’m unable to chat today etc but knows it’s better coming from me. Relative will otherwise assume I’m in a controlling marriage and will harass me further.
There are no health issues that I’m aware of, but I know they are bored and lonely since retirement. There are no other living relatives so I feel that he clings to me but all that does is push me away.
I am a people pleaser for an easy life, yes I’m guilty of that one. Which is why it’s so hard to ask for space or be blunt with people as I don’t like the aftermath of it or knowing I’ve upset someone.

You just teach them that phonecalls to you don't last more than 15 mins. You set an oven timer. When the alarm goes you say you've got to go.

You don't need to give a made up reason. Just that you've got to to go.

They respond to your text with a call. You text back that it's not a good time to talk. You will contact them on X day. You can call them every week or so.

If you’re a natural people pleasure and don’t like conflict then just prep a plan ahead of time. Much easier to say no and be firm when you have planned it out than to try and think on your feet. prep a few phrases that are direct and can be repeated. I do think you need to be prepared to just ignore them too. I wouldn’t keep responding kindly if they’re repeatedly calling and you’re trying to say no to call.

Maybe you can suggest some groups for them to visit. Eg we have local walking groups or coffee chat mornings in our local Community centre. Really if they are lonely they need to be taking their own proactive steps to deal with that, not simply relying on you. It’s too much.

Suggest they join the U3A - it's been a life saver for my Mum and she has a very active life now. The trouble is, if you don't address it, you may snap and say something really hurtful.

Can I ask you - or can you ask yourself - what is the THING that is stopping you imposing boundaries?

Once you start to get a full realisation on that ….

You’ve said “people pleaser” but can you expand - on here or to yourself- on that? At least specifically on this issue? What are you afraid of if you impose boundaries?

a maximum of once a week to check in on each other is more than I’m comfortable with right now

why not impose it, see what happens?!

(I suspect people do adjust expectations when people lay down boundaries. Maybe they even actually become even more grateful and less entitled … just a thought …)

You set a boundary and stick to it.

My DM used to call 8x a day and it was overwhelming. I eventually stopped responding.

When I started again she was sad but had got the message.

I agree with setting appropriate boundaries. If when they text or call it doesn't suit to answer, send a message to say "can't talk right now, will call you later in then no more messages until you're ready to call them.
Be strict for first few times, to reinforce the message.

This sounds like a difficult situation for you.

However I’m always puzzled by people who describe themselves as ‘people pleasers’ as inevitably this seems to mean putting other people’s pleasure above your own. Why is it more important to avoid upsetting this relative than it is to avoid upsetting yourself?!

You really need to give yourself permission to put your own needs first for once.

If you don't want to have an actual conversation then you will only have ignoring to fall back on.
You could text and say that you are feeling tired and that you want them to know you care but you won't be responding as regularly. I had a friend who was suffering with her mental health and sent this message out to a few people and we were all fine and supportive of it.
You could also set up a mutual talk time and explain you have other obligations at present but it would be lovely to phone for a chat with a cuppa on Sunday at 10am say?
However if this is similar to something I have experienced sometimes the hinting does not work and you just have to ignore the calls and send the odd text saying "unavailable to speak today but all ok"