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Original poster

17 year old not allowed to visit.

23 replies

Kidsdad23 · 05/06/2023 21:35

Hi just wanted people's thoughts on this. And what would you do.

My son is 16 his friend 17. He comes over to watch movies play playstation etc. His mum does not want him staying over or staying other places as he's not going home very much. So I have told him he can't stay here. Then it turns out she does not want him to come here or other friends at all. I had thought she meant over night.

As I said I told the 2 boys he cant stay and needs to leave. Then my son said why did you have to tell her he was here .... Well I had to didn't I, but then both boys are saying we'll just don't say if he's here during the day /early evening . Ie don't tell her if he's just here visiting. I can't do that can I?

I feel bad for him but I know i can't be doing that . Just wanting people's thoughts ..

Not looking for a lecturer I have never Been in this position. As I say I know the answer really just wanted people's thoughts really.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 05/06/2023 21:37

He’s 17. Why does his mother need to be so invested in what he is doing? Are there reasons for this?

QueenofLouisiana · 05/06/2023 21:46

She’s in for a shock in a few months when he’s 18! I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to be at home much.

In a couple of years, she’ll be bemoaning the fact that he don has no contact with her and she can’t understand where it’s all gone wrong.

SuperbSummer2023 · 05/06/2023 21:49

He's 17 years old. Why'd you have to tell his mammy he was playing at your house?

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Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 05/06/2023 21:54

I don't know the reasons for it . Thete could be stuff going on I don't know about. But he is still her son and is still under 18. So I don't want to be out in a difficult situation.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/06/2023 21:56

He's seventeen - I wouldn't be getting involved at all.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/06/2023 22:00

I would not mention where he is . I wouldn’t lie though either . I would certainly answer about overnight - I would avoid answering messages during the day from her if he is there

Summerishereagain · 05/06/2023 22:03

I wouldn’t be getting involved in someone else relationship. This is between them.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 05/06/2023 22:04

Once my DC were in secondary school I never met and didn't know the parents of any of their new friends. Assuming your son's pal doesn't have any special needs that make him vulnerable then I'd be telling this woman you don't micromanage your son's friendships, and don't feel comfortable reporting on a 17 yo, who is grown up enough to make his own friendship decisions. If she keeps contacting you then block her.

Dacadactyl · 05/06/2023 22:07

I wouldn't lie to the woman either OP, because there might be stuff you don't know about going on. At the end of the day, it's her son and although hes nearly an adult, hes not yet an adult.

FannyFifer · 05/06/2023 22:07

Lol at the thought of me telling my 17 year old who's house he can go to or not go to.
Don't get involved, I don't even know what pals are here half the time or know what pals house he is at.

Hannahsbananas · 05/06/2023 22:08

Kidsdad23 · 05/06/2023 21:35

Hi just wanted people's thoughts on this. And what would you do.

My son is 16 his friend 17. He comes over to watch movies play playstation etc. His mum does not want him staying over or staying other places as he's not going home very much. So I have told him he can't stay here. Then it turns out she does not want him to come here or other friends at all. I had thought she meant over night.

As I said I told the 2 boys he cant stay and needs to leave. Then my son said why did you have to tell her he was here .... Well I had to didn't I, but then both boys are saying we'll just don't say if he's here during the day /early evening . Ie don't tell her if he's just here visiting. I can't do that can I?

I feel bad for him but I know i can't be doing that . Just wanting people's thoughts ..

Not looking for a lecturer I have never Been in this position. As I say I know the answer really just wanted people's thoughts really.

Do you actually call a 17 year old’s mum to tell her he’s at your house?
<boggles>

Hearti · 05/06/2023 22:14

when She next rings ask her what the issue is with him visiting.

TheHandmaiden · 05/06/2023 22:18

Well he is 17. She can do very little about it but I wouldn't be ringing her to keep tabs. He's presumably got a phone and can use it if he wants or needs to.

Unless you think this 17 year old is a problem in your house then I would leave it.

Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 05/06/2023 22:41

Dacadactyl · 05/06/2023 22:07

I wouldn't lie to the woman either OP, because there might be stuff you don't know about going on. At the end of the day, it's her son and although hes nearly an adult, hes not yet an adult.

This is how I feel. My son is a year younger. I would be worried sick if I did not know where he was. My son gos though phases of not letting me know where he is . I hate it because I'm worried. But he lets his older sister know where he is so she tells me . So I have a way of knowing. So I totally get ahe may worry. Its mainly the general day time /early evening visits I don't get.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 05/06/2023 22:45

Hannahsbananas · 05/06/2023 22:08

Do you actually call a 17 year old’s mum to tell her he’s at your house?
<boggles>

Show quote history

No . Her sin wanted to stay at mine. She wanted to check it was OK. So he gave My number . So now I get messages. Which I honestly would not mind if its to touch base . Make sure he's ok. Check when he's back ... I think he ignores her calls /messages but I put that down to a teenage thing.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/06/2023 22:54

Just pretend you haven’t seen the message or heard the call until it’s too late and he has gone home. My 17yr old knows that he has to let me know where he is and he does ask if it’s ok TBF but you have to loosen those apron strings at some point otherwise how are they going to learn to make good decisions by themselves? DS can be a right pain in my arse for other stuff and is no Angel but we do have the conversations and I explain how it just makes me more comfortable if I know where he is and what time to expect him etc

titchy · 05/06/2023 23:15

I think your son's friend's mother is ridiculous. However, her kid her choice. Don't undermine her parenting by pretending you haven't seen her texts. You're the adult remember. If she wants him home then he needs to leave.

AnneShirley18 · 05/06/2023 23:35

Isn't it exam season? Could rhat be a factor?

Gymnopedie · 06/06/2023 02:03

Its mainly the general day time /early evening visits I don't get.

What is it about them that you don't 'get'? What are people suggesting when they say 'stuff going on'?

On the (very) little we know, it could easily be as simple as he doesn't want to be around his mum. if she's saying she doesn't want him to go to friends' houses at all and it's because he's never at home, maybe she's too stifling.

Haywirecity · 06/06/2023 04:38

Where else is he going if not out with friends? She can't lock him in the house all day so she knows where he is! Surely he's better to be at a friend's house than off doing something nefarious with people he, and she, don't know.

I guess though you have to follow your own instincts. If it weren't for the fact that your daughter told you where your son was, would you ring his friends' parents and tell them not to let him go round so he'd go home and you'd know where he was?

Isthisexpected · 06/06/2023 05:19

I would respect another parent enough to tell them the truth when asked. It's their child and legally he isn't an adult yet. But just on a personal level, she must have her reasons for being concerned at the moment.

ToeJammed · 06/06/2023 05:40

I would say I'm sorry but please don't involve me in your domestics. Then refuse any further discussion.

At 17, my sons were driving their own cars and I never knew where they were, although I knew they were either hanging out with other boy racers at cruises or some girls place.

Patchworksack · 06/06/2023 05:47

2 separate things - whether this lad is welcome at your house (your problem) - whether his mum is happy with where he is /who he’s with (their problem). My oldest is nearly 17 and can’t imagine micromanaging him like this. He tells me where he is going and who he’s with but he’s not really asking permission any more - just keeping the taxi firm informed…..

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