What next? What's my plan?

[neverdoblackandblue]

This is a strange forum to be posting on about this but I am hopeful other people may be able to help - either because they have gone through this or know people who have.

A couple of years ago my husband I accepted we weren't going to be able to have children. It was a painful process but on the whole now I have made my peace with it. I don't think about it too much now and feel like I have closed that chapter if you know what I mean.

The problem we have is that we now don't have a "plan" if you know what I mean? So much of my life was spent assuming that I would investing my time and energy in my family in my 40s and that their milestones would be my milestones etc.

We have a lovely life - a beautiful home (needs doing up!) a couple of beautiful dogs, I am close to my family. Not so many friends - I would like to make new friends but most people of course have families and focus on those and want to do child friendly activities and holidays etc. not sure how to make new friends now - kind of want friends who are in the same position as us but that is rare I find. I have a good job and no real wish to find another career or anything like that.

It's just...there is this gap. Where the children were going to be. I think part of it still getting over the fact they won't be there and part of it is finding it hard to picture the rest of our lives without this very typical roadmap.

Has anyone been through this or know people who have? We don't want to move abroad or anything like that - love our lives. But there is definitely a feeling that we are just knocking about without any real purpose.

Hi OP, I think I understand what you mean, I am older than you and got to my 40s (I am late 50s now) having ticked the ‘expected’ life boxes of education, career, house, marriage etc but without having had children (although in my case, I didn’t ever want them). It felt a bit odd no longer having a clear life path laid out ahead of me having had a ‘next step’ in front of me all my life in the way that people with children do.

I am afraid that I don’t have all the answers but what I did do and worked very well was to put time and effort into developing friendships. I came across women like me through work, they had careers and no children and I made efforts to develop some of them into friends, even taking the odd day off work so that I could join them on a day trip from time to time and nurture he relationships.

Ten years later this conscious decision to make the effort has paid off and I have several close friends who also have no children (I do have friends with children too, but obviously they are busier so I have ended up with more friends without children than with children).

That said, the ‘lack of purpose’ thing hasn’t completely left me. I find that investing time in a wider range of interests keeps the existential angst at bay, but multiple bereavements recently haven’t helped and I realised that the cultivation of friendships and interests needs to be a life long conscious effort as you don’t have family who are just ‘there’ to keep you occupied.

If you think children would give you a sense of purpose then you're delusional.

You have the opportunity, money and time to do whatever you want, not many people have that. I would start by looking at what interests you, hobbies, work, travel?

Then make definite plans, that's the key, you HAVE to actually make plans, commit to them, book the tickets, buy the equipment, make it official. Otherwise you'll just procrastinate forever.

Don't waste the amazing opportunity you've been given.