Controlled crying

[muffinmclay22]

Trying this with dd 14 months at the moment out of sheer desperation. It's not something I especially want to do but our sleep routines have totally gone to pot and all of us are exhausted.

Having previously always gone down well in her cot she's now refusing to sleep unless she's held or laid on me. We haven't helped matters with this as she's been unwell a lot lately and when she's woken in the night we've brought her in bed with us and things like that.

I am exhausted. Dh is exhausted. So is dd and so are my older dc who are woken constantly by her screaming. There's nothing wrong she just wants to be held. I'm not an attachment parent as such but I always thought I'd give her what she needs - comfort whatever - but now I just can't. I can't spend every night with her glued to me at the expense of spending time with my older kids. I can't run around after her all day and have no time just to sit down and be me in the evening. I hate to hear her cry but if she can sleep independently it will be better for her too as she's utterly worn out at the moment.

So I'm trying to Ferber sleep training method at the moment and guess I just need a hand hold. I have no idea how well manage in the night because it's not something you can really practice at 2am when you've got neighbours and other people in the house. But if I can get her to sleep for a few hours in the evening it will be a start. Does anyone have any tips or solidarity?

Consistency. Even at 3am. Otherwise it probably won’t work and it’s not really fair on her because you’ll be sending mixed messages Can older DC go for a sleepover with friends on night 1? And push the cot as far away from the party wall as poss and take the neighbours a bottle of wine or something to say sorry if it’s really awful. BUT been there and it works!!

Oh jeez, maybe don’t do it. She’s 14 months and she’s been used to feeling loved and wanted and now you’re going to make her feel punished in the dark in the night. Of course you brought her into bed with you when she was ill. It’s normal to do that.
she’s possibly going through a separation anxiety thing and it will resolve itself soon enough. At 14 months she’s probably not that far off sleeping through a bit on her own.
could you try settling her in her bed with your hand on her then try gradual retreat where you’re still there but sat further away on a chair? Then she still knows you’re there. I know it’s tough. I’ve got 3 and I get it. Get your partner on board. Make sure she stays in her bed rather than yours but continue to offer comfort and love

Consistency as PP says, and pick a week and then stick to doing it - you will have a few shitty days and then it will pass and life will be easier - for her as well as you, being able to fall back to sleep will mean she’s a lot less tired and screamy.

This is so sad. I've got multiple and I'd just lie there with mine until they fell asleep no matter how long unless I had to swap to feed another baby. Then my husband would. We never expected our babies to fall asleep alone.

Well on the third time of checking her she'd been sick and had pooed herself. Not sure if she's a bit under the weather or if this was through distress but needless to say I won't be carrying on with it. My older dc all fell asleep alone from a young age so I guess I've just struggled to know what to do with this one. It's fine saying lay with them til they fall asleep but where does that leave other dc? Also if she's used to coming into our bed from a young age how will we ever get her to stop?!

I can't have her getting so upset that she's making herself sick so i just cuddled her for a bit and she's asleep now anyway but I just find this really hard.

Oh this is so sad :-( I'm pleased you have stopped. As someone else says she honestly won't be that far off just settling at night. Even my horrific horrific sleeper got better at 18months. Give her time and this will pass and you will be pleased you were patient I think x

Will it though? I'm so worried that the longer we allow it the worse it'll get and she'll never end up in her own room or be able to sleep independently.

How many 10/12/16/18/40 year olds do you know that sleep in their parents beds?

She’ll get there

Don't give up op.

It will work and it is worth it

But there are other gentle methods you can also try.

You do need to be consistent though and stick with it.

If she’s pood herself and is vomiting she’s ill so this isn’t the time. Once she’s better you can do it if you want to.

If she’s been sick and pooed herself that may not be illness, it could be extreme stress from being left alone to cry.
you’re not “allowing” anything by helping her to sleep.. she’s a baby not a malicious thing. She will sleep better in the coming months. If you don’t want her in your bed that’s fine, settle her in hers. Can your DH not put the other kids to bed for a bit while you get over this tough bit?
3 kids here, didn’t do CC once. All sleep though no issues. It’s not forever. Hang in there

I found that starting with them in your bed and letting them sleep there all night was better than the night terrors and then clinging like a limpet on top of me. (That was age two)

The other non sleeper did gradual withdrawal every night about same age as yours. They are the best sleeper now.

I can’t give any advice on sleep training as it absolutely isn’t for me @muffinmclay22 but we went through a really difficult couple of months with DS at roughly the same age.
It actually came off the back of illness too - he had a gastro bug, a heavy cold and then hand, foot & mouth all one after the other. My DH works away from home for 6 weeks at a time too so it was rough and I was exhausted. Personally I made the choice to not take him into my bed (I did when he was ill, but when I knew it was just him being unsettled I never did). He would take an hour or so to get to sleep and would need rocked 😬 Every time he woke up crying I’d go in & comfort him until he fell asleep again. I did pick him up and sit in an armchair with him but never took him out of his room after bedtime. I had nights where he woke up every 30 minutes. Within a few months he was back to self settling in the night. Or occasionally if he did need some help, it’s was a little back rub or a 5 minute cuddle. He’s now 2.5, still likes to be cuddled to sleep (but falls asleep in 5 minutes and I really love our cuddle time!) and rarely wakes in the night.

DD slept with me 98% of the time till 2.5, she's 4 now and can sleep in her bed all night. Sometimes she sleeps in my bed because I need to get her and younger DS to sleep at the same time and I can't be bother to move her. DD has anxiety off the chart and didn't sleep through till 2.5 but she still got there in the end. We were fucking exhausted though and it was probably a good thing she was first because there was no one else to look after.

All of mine were this way. All of mine sleep in their own beds. It’s not forever. My 15 yr old hasn’t slept in my bed for many many years. My 12 yr old too. The 5 year old has been in his own bed reliably since 2.5. Before that on and off. It’s not forever. I know it seems it but you aren’t teaching her bad habits. You are teaching her you will always be there.

We have 3 under 2 and don't give in. You only have 1 haha. Luckily all ours transferred to cot well and one is already in a bed. But similar one twin was ill a couple of weeks ago and she came into our bed so as not to disturb the rest and damn I wish we hadn't lol. Last weekend 4 nights were a nightmare her waking crying to come into our room and waking the other 2 aswell. Just had to grit our teeth keep resettling and ignore mostly and the last 2 nights they slept all night again thank god

My daughter was a very poorly baby who couldn’t eat any solids until she was one. By the time she was 15 months she was in much better health but was a terrible sleeper who was completely reliant on bottles to get to sleep, I was back at work and we were fairly broken by lack of sleep. We did gradual retreat, started sitting right by the cot then gradually moved away each night until we were outside the door. It really worked with very little crying and she became an amazing sleeper. I’d definitely recommend it as a gentler method.

Don’t be put off OP. I’ve been lucky in that we followed a bit of a sleep routine from day 1 and I was always very conscious of not letting him fall asleep in my arms so would always put him into bed first and he’s never needed me to help him fall asleep. Your issue obviously is that she has become reliant on you to fall asleep so to break the habit it’s much harder than just not having the habit in the first place. I think the idea of a baby being able to be put in their bed and fall asleep gets such a bad name but my baby is well rested every single day and night and much happier for it, as am I! Hopefully the method you’re trying works for you, I’d imagine the first bit will be the tricky bit then you will start to notice a difference. I read Gina Ford (another one who gets a bad name) when pregnant and didn’t follow any of the bits about putting baby in their own room when they’re small etc but I got the impression it was going to be so harsh and really it wasn’t at all. There are case study examples of how she fixes issues in the book with babies/toddlers of different ages so if you’re still looking for other ideas I’d definitely give that a read. Good luck, it will all be worth it in the end

Thank you. I feel like this is the sort of thing that could work for one child but maybe not another. Although older dc were great sleepers there was one time when ds had a bit of a sleep regression phase and after two nights of the Ferber method he was absolutely fine again. I get the feeling it won't be that easy with dd. I can't have her getting into a state where she's making herself sick through distress. If I have to carry on shushing and stroking her back for a while longer then I will. I'll just try to avoid taking her out of her cot so she gets used to settling in there but with us close by for reassurance.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, it works for some personalities and not others.

I would be absolutely heartbroken seeing my DD vomiting and sitting in her own poo whilst I ignored her cries.

This is not the way.

I'd recommend pick up/put down over controlled crying. My DD2 was a bit younger (just turned 1) when I did it, basically because she was demanding a BF and then falling asleep the moment the milk let down so clearly didn't need it.

First night I think I picked her up 40 times and it was hard. Second night was 3 or 4 times. Third night she slept through and that was that. It's gentle, you don't leave them upset but you also don't take them into bed with you.

Some babies fall to sleep easily, some have higher needs.

If you have an easy baby/child/teenager you won’t realise how other struggle!

My baby son used to wake up if I wasnt there, literally screaming. It’s a strain on the mother - I had to co-sleep and breast feed mine for much longer than I intended. But at least I was able to sleep well ! But it interrupted any evening true relaxation I had planned for a good 2 - 3 years. But, I just could not have let him cry himself to sleep every night.

Agree please don't leave her to the point she's sick and sat in poo whilst you ignore her.

Also if she's used to coming into our bed from a young age how will we ever get her to stop?!

DD co-slept from newborn until 2 and I thought it would never end but she felt safe and secure and that's all that mattered then at 2 she started asking to sleep in her own bed and does most nights!

I who'd never leave her dirty or being sick through distress. Ever. I was resolved to give CC a good go but as soon as I saw she'd been sick I changed her and cuddled her and stayed with her until she fell asleep.

We bring her into our bed in the middle of the night because if we didn't she would scream and wake the whole house (possibly street) up. It's not something I ever intended to do having never co slept with other dc but if it's what she needs we will keep at it for a while.

It's reassuring to see that other kids have co slept then made the transition to their own beds/rooms pretty well.

Have you just got one child? I find a lot of it comes down to luck but it's not until you're on multiple children and do things the same maybe you can appreciate how little impact what you do has on sleep.