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Original poster

Wedding etiquette: gift or no gift?

77 replies

Wherethewildthymeblows · 03/06/2023 18:00

I am particularly interested to hear from people in their 20s. If you were invited to a wedding of a school friend, would you expect to attend with a gift, even if the bride and groom have (supposedly) said they dont want a gift? In my day, it would be inconceivable that a guest, assuming they are financially able, would attend empty handed but maybe I am out of date.

This isnt for me btw. I would still buy a gift, or perhaps money in a card though I like that concept less, if I were invited to a wedding despite what the bride and groom say because I come from that era. The guest in this case is my son and the b&g are school friends of his. Mid 20s. I really dont want my son to be that guest who turns up empty handed when everyone else comes with something, but maybe this is normal nowadays?

What does anyone think?

OP posts:
UCknowitall · 04/06/2023 08:50

TedMullins

No ones forcing anyone to have expensive weddings, let’s be honest they’re for the bride and grooms benefit not anyone else.

This is such a cf attitude ! Quite frankly if you feel like that then why on earth would you accept the hospitality in the first place. Either say 'no thank you I have another engagement that day' (a don't send a gift ) or accept and make a gesture. Taking the hospitality without taking a gift is simply rude.

It seems some people are really tone deaf to the nuance of gift giving.

Invited for coffee ? No gift if regular 'pop in' but return invite.. for formal invite then some sort of comestible to accompany the coffee and a return invite either at yours or at your expense somewhere out.

Lunch invite - flowers unless you are aware of an allergy. Even if you aren't at least you've made a reciprocal gesture for their effort. (Just take them home)

Dinner - Flower /chocs /wine depending on friend's preference.

Wedding . If it says 'Please no gifts' this means we don't need stuff as we have enough BUT are way too polite to ask for money .. it's just Implied.

Specifically 'No gifts or money but donation to charity xx' means just that.

Specifically 'no gifts or money' is the only time it's ok to turn up with nothing.

BarbaraofSeville · 04/06/2023 09:00

Quite frankly if you feel like that then why on earth would you accept the hospitality in the first place. Either say 'no thank you I have another engagement that day' (a don't send a gift ) or accept and make a gesture. Taking the hospitality without taking a gift is simply rude

Don't be ridiculous. Why on earth would the type of wedding influence whether or not you go, and whether or not you give a gift?

Can you imagine how bonkers you'd look if you didn't go because the wedding was too lavish? Or if you scaled back the type of gift you gave because you perceived the event as too meagre?

Ragwort · 04/06/2023 09:00

I believe 'no gifts' should mean ... no gifts. I have hosted two occasions where I specified 'no gifts please' and people still bought gifts ... which I didn't want or need and dealing with plants, flowers, unwanted bottles, random candles & photo frames etc is yet another chore.
I think we are often wierdly 'transactional' about hosting and guests feel 'obliged' to offer a gift in exchange for the occasion. But I'm not sure what the answer is ...

I manage a charity shop and the volume of unwanted gifts we receive is amazing ... and you can't resell a personally printed item ie; bread board with 'name' and 'name' printed on it !

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 04/06/2023 09:03

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 03/06/2023 19:55

I wouldn't turn up empty handed, but I think it's a dick thing to do to write "no gifts" when what you mean is "I want cash and will judge if you don't give me it".

Agree with this. If you are grabby and want cash to recoup the cost of the wedding and trimmings YOU wanted then at least own it and just say that

Once stag and hen parties are factored in, "contributions " to the hens expenses at said party, wedding outfits, overnight accommodation and cabs, you can easily be looking at £500 as a couple to spend as guests before you even get to the wedding.

It's very expensive to attend a wedding

3BSHKATS · 04/06/2023 09:07

If it was me, I would not seal the envelope of the card. I would work on the theory of cash about 100 quid, but if I got there, and it was a bloody Iceland finger buffet, I’d be removing 50 quid before sealing the envelope, and putting it in the card box.

mondaytosunday · 04/06/2023 09:26

There were a couple relatives that came to my wedding and never gave me gifts - both were well off so it sticks out (and one millionaire friend of my parents who got me a single wooden bowl worth about £15).
But I think if the couple getting married were older (say mid 30s and above), and especially if this was their second marriage, I'd believe it when they said 'no gifts'. But anyone younger I'd give cash if they said no gifts.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 04/06/2023 11:27

I think it's rude and thoughtless given the expense of the day.

If someone has a very small wedding, is it less rude to turn up empty handed?

Goldrushed · 04/06/2023 13:39

Lindtnotlint · 03/06/2023 19:47

We had a “no gifts” wedding and I was secretly (would never say this in real life, obv) shocked by how many people literally came empty handed. I thought the people who came with wine, a cute card, a small token (one person bought us seeds) were more appropriate. Personally I wouldn’t turn up at a dinner party literally with NOTHING so was amazed so many people did! Obviously this is highly hypocritical of me when I had said “no gifts”!

This is awful. Honestly I don't understand this at all.

TedMullins · 04/06/2023 14:01

UCknowitall · 04/06/2023 08:50

TedMullins

No ones forcing anyone to have expensive weddings, let’s be honest they’re for the bride and grooms benefit not anyone else.

This is such a cf attitude ! Quite frankly if you feel like that then why on earth would you accept the hospitality in the first place. Either say 'no thank you I have another engagement that day' (a don't send a gift ) or accept and make a gesture. Taking the hospitality without taking a gift is simply rude.

It seems some people are really tone deaf to the nuance of gift giving.

Invited for coffee ? No gift if regular 'pop in' but return invite.. for formal invite then some sort of comestible to accompany the coffee and a return invite either at yours or at your expense somewhere out.

Lunch invite - flowers unless you are aware of an allergy. Even if you aren't at least you've made a reciprocal gesture for their effort. (Just take them home)

Dinner - Flower /chocs /wine depending on friend's preference.

Wedding . If it says 'Please no gifts' this means we don't need stuff as we have enough BUT are way too polite to ask for money .. it's just Implied.

Specifically 'No gifts or money but donation to charity xx' means just that.

Specifically 'no gifts or money' is the only time it's ok to turn up with nothing.

Yeah my brain isn’t full of these made up rules. I’ll decide if and when I want to get gifts. I have never brought flowers to lunch, neither has anyone I’ve invited to lunch! Wine to a dinner party, yes I’ll do that. But generally I don’t expect anyone to bring me gifts so I don’t feel bad not giving them, nor do I tie myself in knots over arbitrary etiquette

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 04/06/2023 14:06

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 04/06/2023 11:27

I think it's rude and thoughtless given the expense of the day.

If someone has a very small wedding, is it less rude to turn up empty handed?

No it's still rude. It can be an inexpensive gesture but just as you wouldn't turn up to a dinner party empty handed nor should you turn up to a wedding empty handed - unless it's expressly requested that you make a charitable donation instead.
For those who think wedding going is too expensive (and I agree it is) decline the invitation.

AnotherMrsAverage · 04/06/2023 14:11

I’d go for the champagne too!

SixOClock · 04/06/2023 14:16

I'd personally be uncomfortable going empty handed. How about currency for country they are honeymooning in?

Oubliette86 · 04/06/2023 14:20

TedMullins · 04/06/2023 14:01

Yeah my brain isn’t full of these made up rules. I’ll decide if and when I want to get gifts. I have never brought flowers to lunch, neither has anyone I’ve invited to lunch! Wine to a dinner party, yes I’ll do that. But generally I don’t expect anyone to bring me gifts so I don’t feel bad not giving them, nor do I tie myself in knots over arbitrary etiquette

Show quote history

Why do you take wine to a dinner party though?

TedMullins · 04/06/2023 14:25

Oubliette86 · 04/06/2023 14:20

Why do you take wine to a dinner party though?

Show quote history

Usually because I ask the host if they want anything they say “just some wine is fine”. Sometimes they say “no thanks we’re all good” so I don’t bring anything. If I invite people to anything, it’s because I actually want them there, not because I want gifts or money, so I work on the proviso that people want my company if they invite me.

Oubliette86 · 04/06/2023 14:49

TedMullins · 04/06/2023 14:25

Usually because I ask the host if they want anything they say “just some wine is fine”. Sometimes they say “no thanks we’re all good” so I don’t bring anything. If I invite people to anything, it’s because I actually want them there, not because I want gifts or money, so I work on the proviso that people want my company if they invite me.

Show quote history

But why do you even ask the host/s if they want anything then? That in itself is a social convention, isn’t it?

Based on what you said, your assumption is the hosts want your company & not your gifts / money, so I don’t understand why you ask? Like you said previously, wouldn’t you just take a gift if you wanted to?

Lyricallie · 04/06/2023 14:52

I’m just turned 30 so right in the middle of wedding season. 3 this summer and another 2 next year. No gifts definitely means cash in a card. My (now) husband and I do £100 for all day from both and £50 for evening from both.

RidingMyBike · 04/06/2023 14:56

We had this! We didn't want or need gifts so we said so in the invites and suggested people make a donation to charity if they wanted to.

Most people did this and we really enjoyed reading about what donation they'd made. A few ignored the instructions completely and gave us random stuff we didn't want, had no need of and wasn't to our taste!

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 04/06/2023 15:17

@DesdamonasHandkerchief yes I personally wouldn't turn up empty handed. But I'm surprised people are linking it to the expense of the day "considering the expense, it's very rude to not take a gift". So I wondered if in their heads, the rudeness of turning up empty handed was directly correlated with the cost of the wedding.

GettingMarriedAgain · 04/06/2023 15:24

Sometimes when people say they don’t want gifts they really do mean it!

As someone who has recently got married for the second time we are organising a party with our friends and family to celebrate and really don’t want them to come armed with cash!

RidingMyBike · 04/06/2023 15:28

We went empty-handed to a wedding that I suspect was rather expensive think posh conference centre in the middle of nowhere. It cost us about £150 in train tickets to get there and would have been even more if we'd followed the suggestion to stay in the hotel that night - as it was we did it as a very long day to save that expense. No thought had been given to guests not arriving by car so a taxi from the nearest station and back again cost a LOT. I've been to much more thoughtful weddings where buses have been laid on or lifts arranged.

We gave them a nice card but no gift as we'd had to spend so much just to be there.

It's probably the most expensive wedding I've been to and it was also the most soul-less and poor atmosphere with the least thought given to guests' comfort (hours standing around waiting for photos with hardly any seating and no refreshments).

Wildgoose84 · 04/06/2023 15:39

When I got married we didn’t ask for anything. Which is what we meant. We didn’t need or want anything. Most people got us a card and wrote some lovely words, some gave us cash and a small few gave us a gift. In any case we’d have been totally happy with nothing from anyone. I’d like to think that if someone stated no gifts required it’s what they meant!

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 04/06/2023 16:10

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 04/06/2023 15:17

@DesdamonasHandkerchief yes I personally wouldn't turn up empty handed. But I'm surprised people are linking it to the expense of the day "considering the expense, it's very rude to not take a gift". So I wondered if in their heads, the rudeness of turning up empty handed was directly correlated with the cost of the wedding.

I was a poster who mentioned cost of the day as a guest but that was in response to a pp saying gifts should always be given as the bride and groom have spent lots on having you there.

For me if a bride and groom are upfront and honest and ask for a gift/cash that's ey ok and I'll happily oblige. If they don't and make a point of saying so on the invite in a cute little rhyme then bitch because I'm not giving them cash to recoup the cost of their big day, I'll consider that a bit twattish.

Just say what you want and it's all good

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 04/06/2023 16:12

Mind you I think I'm still smarting at a small wedding I once attended where gifts weren't requested (we did cash in an envelope) and the bride and groom opened all the cards after dinner and loudly counted the cash given in each. In front of everyone Grin

CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 16:15

I think they're expecting cash, but honestly if your mid 20s son is happy to leave it, leave him be. Hopefully it's the start of a new tradition where people can just turn up and enjoy the wedding without having to worry about these things. Attending a wedding is expensive enough.

tinselvestsparklepants · 04/06/2023 16:17

We said no gifts and absolutely meant that, not 'please give us money.' Esp when everyone is struggling with cost of living.