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Original poster

Wedding etiquette: gift or no gift?

77 replies

Wherethewildthymeblows · 03/06/2023 18:00

I am particularly interested to hear from people in their 20s. If you were invited to a wedding of a school friend, would you expect to attend with a gift, even if the bride and groom have (supposedly) said they dont want a gift? In my day, it would be inconceivable that a guest, assuming they are financially able, would attend empty handed but maybe I am out of date.

This isnt for me btw. I would still buy a gift, or perhaps money in a card though I like that concept less, if I were invited to a wedding despite what the bride and groom say because I come from that era. The guest in this case is my son and the b&g are school friends of his. Mid 20s. I really dont want my son to be that guest who turns up empty handed when everyone else comes with something, but maybe this is normal nowadays?

What does anyone think?

OP posts:
UCknowitall · 03/06/2023 18:53

I can't believe the replies of people saying ' no I wouldn't give anything ' !! No gifts is because these days people set up home together before marriage .. and 'money please' is such a crass thing to write no matter how prosaically worded.. surely people have the intelligence to work it out for themselves ! Weddings are expensive.. having been singled out for an invitation for such an important (and expensive) event - and to turn up with NOTHING is bloody rude and shows a shocking misunderstanding of social conventions .. really awful.

SwedishDeathClearance · 03/06/2023 19:00

Dont take a bottle of champagne
Friend who said no gifs ended up with about 30- and it wasn't their drink at all.

Card with a John Lewis voucher for £30. (you can use it to buy a bottle of champagne at Waitrose - or food)

TedMullins · 03/06/2023 19:08

UCknowitall · 03/06/2023 18:53

I can't believe the replies of people saying ' no I wouldn't give anything ' !! No gifts is because these days people set up home together before marriage .. and 'money please' is such a crass thing to write no matter how prosaically worded.. surely people have the intelligence to work it out for themselves ! Weddings are expensive.. having been singled out for an invitation for such an important (and expensive) event - and to turn up with NOTHING is bloody rude and shows a shocking misunderstanding of social conventions .. really awful.

I don’t really care about social conventions. If I want to give a gift I will. If I don’t, I won’t.

marleyandme · 03/06/2023 19:12

Late 20s and got married last year, several friends didn't bring a gift or card but we put on the invite that we didn't want a gift! I'd put some money in a card if I did get invited to a friends wedding that was similar but gifts are a bit old hat these days.

RosesAndHellebores · 03/06/2023 19:15

DS and DIL didn't have a formal wedding list (mid/late 20s). They asked for JL vouchers.

They put a note in all invitations to say there would be no favours but an equivalent donation to Shelter. It was very well received.

DappledThings · 03/06/2023 19:21

UCknowitall · 03/06/2023 18:53

I can't believe the replies of people saying ' no I wouldn't give anything ' !! No gifts is because these days people set up home together before marriage .. and 'money please' is such a crass thing to write no matter how prosaically worded.. surely people have the intelligence to work it out for themselves ! Weddings are expensive.. having been singled out for an invitation for such an important (and expensive) event - and to turn up with NOTHING is bloody rude and shows a shocking misunderstanding of social conventions .. really awful.

Oh this again.

It's apparently rude to expect a gift but OK to pretend you don't want gifts whilst secretly meaning cash and making your guests tie themselves in knots second guessing the secret code.

As opposed to just being upfront about it and clear and of you want cash just saying so. It isn't rude to do so, it's just making life easier for your guests which is politer than making them guess.

I really wanted no gifts. None. Not cash, not physical gifts. DH did so we compromised. Said we really needed nothing but if anyone wanted to get something than a donation to our chosen charity or a JL voucher would be much appreciated.

If I'd got my way and said "nothing please" I would have meant it and thpugt than anyone interpreting that as "they said nothing but secretly meant cash" as either a bit dim or just rudely determined to obey convention rather than a request.

UndercoverCop · 03/06/2023 19:25

Vouchers for John Lewis/nice independent department store if one local, restaurant vouchers (did this last year for a uni friend, group of us all bought vouchers for their favourite local restaurant so they could pool them, I think they're on their third free meal so far!)
Or a nice bottle of champagne is rarely a bad thing

WomensLandArmy · 03/06/2023 19:28

We asked for donations to two named charities in lieu of gifts if people really wanted to part with money. Even then several gave us cash. We honestly didn't want it and that was not what the day was about. But we specified this on our invites.

Goldrushed · 03/06/2023 19:39

Don't buy them wine, champagne or a photo frame. That's what everyone else will do with or without additional cash.

People were very kind but I'm really fussy with frames etc and then felt pressure to have them all (there were lots) displayed.

A friend had a ridiculous amount of champagne.

Crunchymum · 03/06/2023 19:42

What was your DS initially going to get the B&G @Wherethewildthymeblows ?

newtb · 03/06/2023 19:44

About champagne - non-vintage champagne only lasts about 2 years before it starts to become undrinkable.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 19:45

TedMullins · 03/06/2023 18:12

Honestly we need to normalise going empty handed! I think it’s rude if someone says no gifts to decide you know better than them and bring one anyway. If I said no gifts I genuinely would mean NO GIFTS and wouldn’t expect money. I don’t want cards either as they’re a waste of paper.

People who don’t want anything specify “no gifts and no money” or else they say “if you do wish to get us a gift, please donate to xxxx charity” to make it clear.

UCknowitall · 03/06/2023 19:46

*Dappledthings
*
No it's not 'this again' It's about having both the emotional intelligence and the social grace to read between the lines.

Unless you have ASD of course - which is a particularly difficult skill to decipher. although my ASD SS would still ask if he had read it in the right way . In the absence of a special learning difficulty that makes nuance very tricky to decipher - it's just plain (cheap) ignorance.

Lindtnotlint · 03/06/2023 19:47

We had a “no gifts” wedding and I was secretly (would never say this in real life, obv) shocked by how many people literally came empty handed. I thought the people who came with wine, a cute card, a small token (one person bought us seeds) were more appropriate. Personally I wouldn’t turn up at a dinner party literally with NOTHING so was amazed so many people did! Obviously this is highly hypocritical of me when I had said “no gifts”!

Hyppogriff · 03/06/2023 19:47

Yes cash in a card or a cheque

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 03/06/2023 19:52

UCknowitall · 03/06/2023 18:53

I can't believe the replies of people saying ' no I wouldn't give anything ' !! No gifts is because these days people set up home together before marriage .. and 'money please' is such a crass thing to write no matter how prosaically worded.. surely people have the intelligence to work it out for themselves ! Weddings are expensive.. having been singled out for an invitation for such an important (and expensive) event - and to turn up with NOTHING is bloody rude and shows a shocking misunderstanding of social conventions .. really awful.

Totally agree. My daughter had several guests turn up without gifts or a honeymoon contribution (their preferred option) including two that had been invited at my expense.
I think it's rude and thoughtless given the expense of the day.
Unless the couple getting married are multimillionaires and request charitable donations then a gift, even if it's only a gesture, is the order of the day.

Watchthedoormat · 03/06/2023 19:53

I would take a bottle of Champagne.

Original poster
Wherethewildthymeblows · 03/06/2023 19:55

Crunchymum · 03/06/2023 19:42

What was your DS initially going to get the B&G @Wherethewildthymeblows ?

Dont jump on him: a breadmaker! He said he thought it was something married couples should have (in his defence, I have had various breadmakers since he was a little boy so he probably associates marriage with his experience of domestic life). When I pointed out how expensive they were, he was not fazed so I know he intended to spend quite a bit on them.

Anyway, as a result of this thread, he has double checked the marriage website and it seems they have actually asked for donations to either a honeymoon account, a house renovation account, or a number of names charities. So ds is going to split the money he would have spent between those. Dilemma solved!

Thanks for your responses. It is certainly an eye opener how society is changing.

OP posts:
RightWhereYouLeftMe · 03/06/2023 19:55

I wouldn't turn up empty handed, but I think it's a dick thing to do to write "no gifts" when what you mean is "I want cash and will judge if you don't give me it".

DappledThings · 03/06/2023 19:58

UCknowitall · 03/06/2023 19:46

*Dappledthings
*
No it's not 'this again' It's about having both the emotional intelligence and the social grace to read between the lines.

Unless you have ASD of course - which is a particularly difficult skill to decipher. although my ASD SS would still ask if he had read it in the right way . In the absence of a special learning difficulty that makes nuance very tricky to decipher - it's just plain (cheap) ignorance.

There's a difference between an invitation saying nothing about gifts, in which case it would be reasonable to assume the couple don't mind what they get so anything would be acceptable (and nothing would be rude) and a couple, as in this case, specifying they want nothing.

If they actively say they want nothing, like this time, then they are either lying, which is stupid, or they actually mean it. If they'd said they don't mind then sure, get them cash, or a photo frame or anything. But they've said they want nothing. I'd respect that.

SwedishDeathClearance · 03/06/2023 20:17

Watchthedoormat · 03/06/2023 19:53

I would take a bottle of Champagne.

So will 30 other people

Parker231 · 03/06/2023 20:18

WomensLandArmy · 03/06/2023 19:28

We asked for donations to two named charities in lieu of gifts if people really wanted to part with money. Even then several gave us cash. We honestly didn't want it and that was not what the day was about. But we specified this on our invites.

DD was at a friends wedding recently - bride and groom are in their late 20’s. They asked for no gifts but if guests wanted to they would appreciate a donation to a cancer charity as the bride’s grandmother had recently died of cancer.
DD make a donation and took a card with her to the wedding.

TedMullins · 03/06/2023 20:50

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 03/06/2023 19:52

Totally agree. My daughter had several guests turn up without gifts or a honeymoon contribution (their preferred option) including two that had been invited at my expense.
I think it's rude and thoughtless given the expense of the day.
Unless the couple getting married are multimillionaires and request charitable donations then a gift, even if it's only a gesture, is the order of the day.

Show quote history

No ones forcing anyone to have expensive weddings, let’s be honest they’re for the bride and grooms benefit not anyone else.

Neverknowinglysensible · 03/06/2023 21:06

A very useful thread, thanks!
We are on the (slightly) older side and would feel strange to turn up with nothing, but are never sure how much money to give when there is no indication of what gifts are accepted (thinking specifically of an evening invite for a not-especially-well-known neighbour).
Re. Champagne, my non-drinking brother was given so much at his wedding that he was handing out bottles with a straw at get-togethers for months afterwards!

BarbaraofSeville · 03/06/2023 21:48

TedMullins · 03/06/2023 18:12

Honestly we need to normalise going empty handed! I think it’s rude if someone says no gifts to decide you know better than them and bring one anyway. If I said no gifts I genuinely would mean NO GIFTS and wouldn’t expect money. I don’t want cards either as they’re a waste of paper.

This.

Giving gifts to people who have said they don't want them isn't a nice gesture.

They don't want to have to use or keep things they don't want. Lots of people don't want lots of stuff and just want to celebrate with the people they love, they don't want to be given money either.