Talk to me about your DS's that don't like football

[user134276]

Have just been on holiday with my two boys. We had a great time at a holiday park type place with an excellent playground. Both boys spent hours here every day. My youngest DS(5) made lots of little friends. My eldest (8) said he was happy but was on his own the whole time. All the other boys 7+ were in this big football type cage the whole time or playing basketball. There were a few girls his age who he chatted to in passing but they were buddying up with each other. He just looked a bit lost.

It's all part of a bigger picture as this year he's drifted a bit from his peers. They seem to have matured a bit more than him and I'd say 75% of his male class mates are obsessed with football. He has a best friend but his best friend has started to drift a bit towards the football boys. This has left my DS on his own at times. He has a few female friends but says he gets teased about 'being in love' with them. I think he's begining to understand he is a bit different to the norm. He's often excluded from birthday parties because they are sporty parties or because he's on the fringes of the friendship group. His teacher says he's well liked but I think his peers tolerate and don't mind him rather than actively picking him to spend time with him. Does that make sense?

He is 8.5 and in y3. He's ND with ADHD and some ASD traits. He's honestly a lovely little boy, he's kind and chatty. He will happily let anyone join in with what he's doing. He loves to build and play imaginary games (like floor is lava, Pokemon and army style games). He's clever and a bit geeky, would happily talk about almost anything rocks/cars/animals/space for hours. He loves gaming and plays Roblox and Minecraft. He enjoys drama too and does go to a drama club. But he's dyspraxic and finds all sport to be incredibly difficult. He simply cannot coordinate himself. As a result, anything that involves a ball, he will avoid like the plague. He won't even go up to a friend to say hi if they are playing football.

My DH and I have always told him he's fantastic just the way he is. He has such a lot to give and offer. But I feel that 8 is a really hard age. Is there anything I can do to help him navigate this? He cannot and know he is not the only boy who doesn't like football and struggles a bit to fit in but it's so hard to sit back and watch as he recognises he's on the fringes.

Words of wisdom from those who have been through this already? Can I do anything I haven't already?

This is definitely an issue and it took my DS a while to work it out and find his place with a) the nerdy kids and b) the rugby boys. Rugby is so much better for kids who aren’t well co-ordinated. I think it is much harder for boys who don’t like football because the football ones spend so much of their free time at school on football. But your DS will find the others.

Neither of mine could be arsed with sport or football. DS1 at 15 loves gaming, airsoft and flight sims and silly memes, DS2 at 13 more bookish and loves collecting things, chess, rubix, little projects. They've both had friends/various friendship groups over the years. Your boy will find his tribe x

he sounds a lot like my youngest OP. Aspie, imaginitive, gawky, uncoordinated, geeky etc. 8 can be a difficult age, they're developing their own interests and start to separate out from the NT herd (also have a bit of a hormone spike around this age according to a doctor friend of mine).

The trouble is so many boys are encouraged into football (even the ones who dislike it) that its often the main social currency amongst boys of this age. If you aren't one of them you are marginalised, even bullied. I remember a playground mum at year 2 saying boys had to get into football because it would make their lives so much easier, she took her boys to a club twice a week and wouldn't allow musical instrument tuition. But my DS hates football, likes adventure sports well enough but is crap at the school teams stuff. When school shelved his arts club he was told not to worry there was space in the football team. So it becomes a self-fulfilling thing and its fuelled by parents and schools just as much as by the kids themselves.

You are doing the best thing telling him he is great as he is. Don't put him into a football club even one that caters to all levels, he doesn't like it, leave it at that and let him be himself and grow into the person he is. If more parents did this a lot more boys would be happier in schools. Sorry that's a bit of a rant.

Cubs & Scouts is good for boys like this, we also taught our DS to sail and he earned some qualifications, he learned to ride a horse and is now a competent equestrian while the footballers were laughing that riding is for girls (but guess who always has girls asking him out). DS likes drama so went to a youth group & has been in a few plays, when the boys at school were footballing in the rain we were in museums & galleries or at the theatre. DS plays 3 musical instruments, he has plenty of time to practice because he doesn't do sport. What DS liked was there we just had to work harder to find it rather than go for the easy option of football or rugby like everyone else and its fun seeing them experiencing lots of different stuff.

Look at the social as well as the academic side of his next school, dig a bit deeper with your research. You will find once they get to senior school they find a much bigger mix of interests as long as the school doesn't have a big sport ethos. Twitter is good for sussing out what a school social currency is like - if every post is about their football results and alumni playing for the town's team its not for him, if the school orchestra/knitting club/chess club or whatever get equal mention its a likely a good fit. My youngest is at a grammar school now and is much happier than he ever was at primary, has loads of friends and none of them have kicked a ball in years, most of the boys there give zero fucks about footie, they don't even play it in games lessons.

TL:DR I've been where you are, its shit but it passes and you're doing the right thing telling him he's great as he is.

You could be talking about my son the same age, he’s autistic but socialable. It’s been difficult for him as we’re at a school which seems to be football mad. He spent some breaktimes alone in the previous term. I quite admire his refusal to join in, he just doesn’t get it or enjoy it. Luckily this term he’s found a couple of boys to play chasing games and explore the playground (which is a big one)…stuff like that. I do feel my son is going for his age, not immature exactly but stuff like he’s not allowed youtube so when he’s had kids over who are watching it they talk about more mature things if that makes sense. He does have a switch and some games so can talk to his friends about that I guess. In short, it’s tough - does the school offer anything else at break or lunch like Lego drawing or chess club?

Mine wanted to love football but soon realised he really didn’t like it and I have to say I didn’t like the attitude of some of the parents in the sidelines - it’s not the World Cup.

He now does piano, drama, Horseriding, chess, swimming, lives jigsaws and gardening and board games - also loves scouts

Loves jigsaws … that is meant to read.

also we have dogs and he likes that and listening to music

My DS is 17. Tried football but spent more time making pyramids with the markers! He did a lot of scooting when he was younger but messes around in his bike more now. He has also sailed.
He's still very active. Scouts however has been his lifeline. Lots of Activities outside-all sorts of interesting things but never football! He's really thrived and the leaders seem set up for the quirky kids. He's now a young leader. He's also musical and plays in a couple of bands. It was really hard in primary but once he got to secondary he was better. Hated PE lessons though as it was always football....Again!

In DD's cohort (born 2001-2002):

I dunno why, but the geeky brainy very unsporty quirky boys who struggled to fit in primary school ... turned into the absolutely most popular kids (not just most popular boys, but most popular of all kids) at high school (2 different rural high schools). The year11s basically adopted them in yr7 and they soared away socially.

Hello OP
Your son sounds like my son. He also doesn't like football and spends lots of time alone at break and lunch because his friends all go off to play football. Occasionally they won't play football and he then spends time with them chatting about Pokemon or other interests they share.
It does break my heart a little I have to be honest but at the end of the day if he doesn't like football there's not much I can do. He's also ND but a lovely boy.

I've got an autistic, dyspraxic football hater (12yo). He's got football hating/ indifferent parents, but he's not been denied chances to play and his brother is on a team.

We do running, swimming, karate and scouting so he is active and has a broad range of experiences. He loves gaming which is his main social currency, particularly minecraft, war hammer (too niche at this point but it's one for the future) and quite likes pokemon and his school does occasional pokemon tournaments.

He's not very socially motivated but tends to get on with people. He had a few friends at primary and let them slip on transition. He's OK with things, so there's no point in me stressing over it and it will get easier to find his tribe as he gets older.

That's exactly how I interpret team sports 😂

I did realise while teaching PE cover that I cannot even keep score which is interesting. Switching ends is also problematic.

Well if anyone is near Nuneaton (Warwickshire) and wants to meet up with like-minded kids I'd be up for it.
DS is 10, Year 5.
I drive, happy to travel!

My 8 year old DS also is it into football but is in a particularly football obsessed class ( my eldest is totally football obsessed and ironically his class wasn’t particularly!).

He did struggle a bit earlier in the year and also has a similar experience on holidays. He has a couple of male friends at school but also quite a few girls who are friends.

He has started kickboxing which he loves and drama and also does dance! The dance in particular has been great as there a few boys there but also a few of the make professional dancers who chat to him and I think makes him feel better about being who he is! They’ve also started skipping at school at breaks which he enjoys - again mainly with the girls!

Im hoping at high school he maybe finds a larger group - he is however generally happy and does like spending time on his own, so maybe most of the worry is actually mine!

*isn’t into football obviously!