Did I handle this right ?

[AssertiveGertrude]

treated my mother to shopping and lunch and being mid term kids were off. She has mental health issues (isolates herself and catastrophises and critical)

in the past I have had to go low contact as she’d really mean at times and spiteful but loved the grandkids. However my ds is quiet and calm and he loves her but knows she’s a bit ‘out there’ at times eg. Loud and angry and he doesn’t really reach out to her like he used to. He’s also see her be a bit mean but I am careful to make sure to say we love her and don’t talk about her illness

today though she started saying (in public) ‘oh your so quiet I am desperately worried about you. Something is wrong with you and I’m worried night and day’ to put into context everyday is a different drama. There is nothing wrong with ds - he’s literally mr chill and content. No behaviour and doing well in school and lots of friends.

so I stood up and said ‘please do not speak about him like this. It’s nonsense and really awful’ she cried and said oh that’s upset me it’s my job to worry as your granny

after I went to the toilet and came back and said did I upset you and I said no but that my son is a quiet lad and good boy and she had a concerned face (she’s convinced something is wrong with him) but I’m so angry

Things are very sensitive as all during childhood she used to tell people I had no friends and it was kind of funny to her

so when I had a party and brought some school friends (first year of secondary school) she got angry and said I’d embarrassed her as she told all my aunts and all I was a loner - so I’m really conscious of her making my son feel wierd (he actually laughed when I said to him after nanny isn’t thinking right - I think she’s mixing you up with someone else as you are amazing and we loved you just the way you are)

I hate parents who do this to their children and you know your child best.

Ask her to keep her comments to herself or speak to you privately in future. You son knows you have his back and that’s a good thing.

My DM is similar to this, it's bloody hard work.

I know friends who have similar issues - she has no job and nothing to occupy her mind and I go keep a distance (we’ve had major major issues in the past and I’ve had periods of several weeks of no contact after a spiteful episode so now she backs down as if she doesn’t behave I don’t visit for weeks)

she used to expect me three times per week now it’s once a week and she comes to me so it’s in my home

I think you handled it fine given your history.

Try giving her a very clear list of dos and don’ts.

If that doesn’t work you might have to go low contact again. It’s good for your kids to have access to their granny, but if it starts to really impact on you it’ll do them more harm than good. As they get older I think you can explain some of her problems in an age appropriate way if you need to.

She started to cry (she does this) many years ago dh said to her not to be so hard on me

this was after seeing me so upset but being a punchbag for her emotions and always trying to be a ‘good girl’

after dh said that to her she got my father to scream and hurl abuse at dh - she just creates drama - I don’t really want my son to be the next victim of hers (don’t want to sound dramatic)

Ok - when I was a teen there was a time that my mum was a bit worried about me being a bit of a loner.

One weekend I arranged for some friends to come round to watch 4 weddings and a funeral (on video!) with me. My mum bought 4 different flavours of ice cream, a massive cake and huge amounts of chocolate. And then went out with my dad and my brother to give us some space.

Once a week still a hell of a lot.