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Original poster

Bereft on birthday

21 replies

Strawberrymelba · 01/06/2023 11:25

It’s my 41st birthday today.

After years of fertility problems I was due to give birth to my first baby in a fortnight’s time but I had to have a termination for medical reasons at 18 weeks. It is the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. She was so loved and wanted but it was the kindest thing to do.

I had envisaged this birthday being so different, being close to giving birth and becoming a mum and instead I’m 41 and haven’t managed to get pregnant again and probably never will now.

I’ve never felt old before but I feel (in fertility terms) positively ancient and totally bereft.

I don’t know why I’m posting, can people maybe just share something nice so I don’t feel so utterly crap.

OP posts:
LetsGoDoDoDo · 01/06/2023 11:31

I am so sorry for what you are going through, that is incredibly tough.

I have nothing to share but just didn't want to read and run. Please be extra kind to yourself today. Life will get better.

Marcipex · 01/06/2023 11:37

I’m so so sorry you went through that. Can you find a support group to talk to?
Would you like to tell us about her? If you had chosen a name, for instance. 💐

jackstini · 01/06/2023 11:40

So sorry you are feeling this way, and for the loss of your daughter Flowers

Can you do something nice today, treat yourself?

I will share some good news a friend just had; her radiotherapy looks like it is shrinking her brain tumour and she is very thankful

Interested in this thread?

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Families
HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 01/06/2023 11:41

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's devastating to have to make such a decision for your much loved baby.

I wish you all the best for a rainbow baby in the future.

Thinking of you

FrontEnd · 01/06/2023 11:42

Happy birthday @Strawberrymelba life can be very sad at times can't it. I hope you can find a moment of peace today and keep faith that painful situations often fade with time. I'm sorry you're going through this. 🌷

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2023 11:43

Oh love 💐

That’s so painful and difficult. Do you want to talk about your daughter? Or would you just take a hug, have one if you do. Thinking of you.

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 01/06/2023 11:45

Sending you love strength and peace 💐

ValentineGreen · 01/06/2023 11:50

Oh @Strawberrymelba that's truly awful. It doesn't matter what anyone else is or isn't going through, you have been through an ordeal and you are allowed to feel sad, and angry and that life is cruel and unfair sometimes.

I know that pp most likely was well intentioned by mentioning someone with a brain tumor but the result was to make you think...oh hang on...I should be grateful because some random person has a brain tumor. Honestly. It baffles me how and why people post stuff like that on a thread like this.

I've been there, without the added misery of termination, but a very messy and psychologically arduous, protracted missed miscarriage of a much wanted baby after 8 years of fertility treatments etc. It was singularly the hardest thing I have been though.

You need to take all the time you can and look after yourself in any way you feel able right now. And know that it's ok to feel sad, you're grieving the loss of you daughter. Flowers

mbosnz · 01/06/2023 11:57

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. What a cruel, hard blow, for you, and what was clearly a most beloved daughter.

I wish I could think of something I could say that would take away some of your pain. But I don't think there are any words with that power, not for such loss and pain.

So, I'm just going to metaphorically sit beside you, with tissues at the ready, here to listen, or here to just sits. With a hug so much here for you, if you need it.

Original poster
Strawberrymelba · 01/06/2023 12:02

@jackstini Im so pleased to hear about your friend. I hope the good news continues for her.

I will share a bit about my baby, her name was Robyn and I imagine she would have had dark hair like me and her dad. I like to think she would have been sweet like her dad and occasionally a bit naughty like me. I just wish I’d got to keep her.

Please share something nice, hearing @jackstini’s good news about her friend did actually make me feel a bit better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrymelba · 01/06/2023 12:08

@ValentineGreen I’m so sorry for your loss.

Any other day I generally cope pretty well but today is hard. Hearing from people like you who understand is really reassuring (though I wish you had not been through similar of course) and I am grateful to feel less alone.

I think because I feel so sad today hearing snippets of good news is a nice thing too. To be honest I guess I just don’t want silence on a tough day.

OP posts:
jackstini · 01/06/2023 12:09

@Strawberrymelba
Robyn is a beautiful name, and I love the thoughts you had about which bits of you and her Dad she would have taken after

Wishing you all good things for your future

@ValentineGreen - no upset intended, OP had specifically asked for people to post something nice

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 01/06/2023 12:10

Robyn is a lovely name @Strawberrymelba

I had a similar loss to you, at 6 months and choose to remember my baby by 'celebrating' his birthday each year. I have gone on to have more children but keep him in my heart.

Our babies were loved and cherished and it is normal to think of her and grieve. I hope you have the support around you that you need.

I still feel sadness and loss over 20 years later, but my life is also full of positive experiences alongside the grief, yours will be too x

Whereisthesummer · 01/06/2023 12:14

Beautiful name - I always feel a bit of peace when I see a robin so hope you see plenty in the future to remind you of your baby girl

i had a MMC in the past but can only imagine the pain you felt having to make your brave decision for your daughter not sure if you’ve heard of them but worst girl gang ever do a podcast about baby loss and support they have ones that cover all types of loss Inc TFMR

try and do something nice for yourself today buy yourself a treat or if you drink open a bottle of Prosecco and raise a glass to you for your birthday and one to Robyn xx

Original poster
Strawberrymelba · 01/06/2023 12:20

@HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow I’m sorry for your loss. Yes we plan on marking what would have been her birthday in some way. We will probably make a donation of some sort in her name.

@Whereisthesummer I’m also sorry for your loss. I’ve not heard of the Worst Girl Gang but will certainly look them up. Thank you.

OP posts:
onelostsoulswimminginafishbowl · 01/06/2023 15:58

I'm sorry OP. I'm about to turn 40 and in a similar situation. Years of fertility problems, 2 missed miscarriages and when I finally thought it was happening and I would get my baby, a termination for medical reasons at 16 weeks a couple of months ago. It's such a shit hand to be dealt.

Please do look up the worst girl gang, their podcasts are such a help. Also, there are many women on here who have been through the same and are a great support.

I hope you manage some peace and happiness on your birthday ❤️

onelostsoulswimminginafishbowl · 01/06/2023 16:00

Apologies for the awful spelling and grammar in that post! It's 3am here and I am struggling to sleep 🙃

dmango · 01/06/2023 16:04

Just to say thinking of you, that’s really hard and so sad.

Robyn, is a beautiful name, I had in a Robyn in my class a few years ago and she was a sweetie ♥️
Sending much love x

Original poster
Strawberrymelba · 01/06/2023 19:53

@onelostsoulswimminginafishbowl so sorry to hear of your losses x

Thanks to everyone for their kindness today xx

OP posts:
Lookitaahhh · 01/06/2023 20:24

Robyn is a beautiful name-I have taught a lovely girl called Robyn. I hope you are able to find some peace today and in the future. A handhold and hug from me for you all❤️

Marcipex · 01/06/2023 23:27

Robyn is a beautiful name for a dark-haired little girl. I can tell how much you loved and wanted her.

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