Pros / cons of a 4+ year age gap between children

[vegisaurus]

Hello all. I currently have a 2.5 year old and we would ultimately like to have 2 children. I am currently 34 and whilst I know fertility doesn't drop off a cliff at 35, I am aware that conceiving/pregnancy can get more difficult the older you get.

I always thought we would have children close in age but now we are starting to talk about TTC again, my rational brain is kicking in and I am edging towards waiting a bit longer and having a larger age gap. I have written a list of pros and cons to help clarify my thoughts (who doesn't love a good list!). Is there anything I have missed or does anyone have experience of a larger age gap?

Pros of bigger age gap:

1. Childcare costs are more spread out, so only have to pay for one in full time childcare at a time.
2. All the big items (cot / carseat / buggy etc) will be grown out of by the oldest and be able to be reused.
3. Have more one on one time with a new baby whilst the oldest is in school
4. The older child understands what is going on a bit more.
5. Close age gap does not equal best friends for life. From my own experience I have a much better relationship with my brother who is 6 years older than my sister who is 1.5 years younger.

Cons:

1. All the nappies / sleepless nights / baby years stuff is dragged out.
2. My hormones are screaming at me to have another right away.
3. Closer age means they are more likely to be into the same things at the same time
4. We could afford 2 in childcare at the same time (around £2.5k a month) but would not leave much wriggle room in the budget!
5. I would be at over 35 when TTC so may not find pregnancy as easy as last time / have more difficulty getting pregnant in the first place

Well done if you got this far!

Even if you got pregnant immediately, presumably your eldest would be getting some free hours at nursery by the time the baby arrived, would that still be £2.5k a month?

For me, the biggest thing is time with each child.

My only is just 3 years. Although he’s super independent, he also is still only 3. He still needs dh and I to help him with various things, he still needs watching like a hawk outside, he still needs help to fall asleep, and he still needs us just to cuddle and be with him at times.

I see others who already have a second or third child with a 3 year old, and they really need to grow up and don’t get the attention they really still need. They obviously have to, but they shouldn’t have to ‘grow up’ as a toddler just because the next child is now younger.

We might stick with just 1. But I can see lots of benefits of having a larger gap ie 5+ years

I have 4.5 years between eldest and twins. Eldest is old enough to be a big help - dotes on them without feeling it's a competition for my attention, can take herself off to play on her own. Just about similar interests in that twins are now 2 and she is 6 so parks, zoos, days out are ok, only issue is theme parks with a height restriction 😂 I always wanted a gap of 2 years but actually glad it worked out this way with having twins as they obviously take up a lot of attention which had eldest been younger she would have struggled with

I have friends and family with 7 plus years difference and personally I think it's too much - they may as well be step siblings as completely different interests but handy for free babysitting when the eldest is a teenager 😄

12 years between me and my youngest brother. We are really close and best friends so I wouldn’t worry about age gap. Many siblings close in age or far apart do or don't get on. Its about personality not age

Hi!
I have DD9 and DS3. We tried for a small age gap when DD was 3 so we could get it out the way in one fell swoop but uterus wasn't playing ball for 2 years. So DD was 5 when DS came along. All of your pros and cons were the same as mine. DD was great and can be independent when DS came along so didn't feel the need to be pulled in two directions at once. Although another con would be that when going out to places, even the local park, I can't have two in the same place/same activity at the same time.

I'm 33 and had DD at 24 and DS at 30.
Whilst I do know fertility doesn't shut up shop at 35, I did struggle to conceive DS (which was a surprise as DD only took a month and a lovely/easy pregnancy compared to DS, whom was a stressful and complicated birth!). And we've been trying for a 3rd for a year because I, personally, wanted all the children/birth years out the way by 35 (two missed miscarriages). Although there never seems to be a 'right time' or 'age gap', I would start trying now, only because of my experiences. And you get to at least have fun BD! Plus, nursery/childcare fees may be more manageable when your 2.5 is older.

Long story short, there's pros and cons either way! Go with your gut :)

A few more:

I think I might have read something about greater academic attainment with a bigger gap

and

With a smaller gap you might get more time on your hands with them playing together.

But I think you’re way overthinking it. You want a second baby, your oldest is 2.5 so it’s a decent gap already and you’d be in free childcare hours by the time a second came anyway, and you’re 34. Go for it!

Yes. Admittedly this is assuming only the oldest has the free hours, but will obviously be lower if the government make true on their 30 free hours for all promise.

This.

One of my friends has two kids 20 months apart they have completely different interests so taking them to the same activities doesn't work unless it is some where they can do different things.

The only thing they like doing is sharing a room.

Exactly the same gap but all boys, and mine are a year older than yours 😍

Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not. He's got them into YouTube shows he didn't watch until he was older than them, and they def like older toys. They're quite boisterous and he's not so they can overwhelm him, but he'd feel that with any way.

Wed have had a smaller gap but, life. Whatever the gap, you'll make it work.

As for the pp who said its so tragic when 3 yos are forced to grow up because there's other children, as a mother of multiples I'll stick to rolling my eyes and not comment further.

I have 4. My age gaps are 2.5 years, 4 years, 20 months.
Although the ones that are close in age do have an amazing relationship, love sharing a room and have the same interests at the same time; for me, my favourite gap is the 4 year one.
It meant I got quality time with the baby, it was all far less intense and the older ones could properly take part and understand the baby bit. And they still play.
My only downside is that days out and groups are harder. The older ones aren't interested in trains or peppela pig world and I cant fully do things like sports with the older ones whilst I have the little ones with me. Playdates can also be difficult when you have to take much older or younger siblings.

My two have 4.5 years between them and it's always worked well. Older DC was in preschool for part of the day so I could focus on baby, then when baby napped in the afternoon, I could spend time with older DC. They're in their late teens now and have always been very close.

@SleepingStandingUp - you know I didn’t mean it like that. People have to go with what they have. But if they have the choice, then many choose the easier option.

But Op is asking for benefits of larger gaps, not benefits of having twins and having to cope because there isn’t the option of sending one back for 3.5 years

I have three DC, now young adults, with 4 years between each.

it worked really well for us, though childcare wasn’t a consideration. They are all very close and the eldest and youngest , with an eight year gap, probably the closest.

it meant I got to spend time with each on their own when they were little, and they were old enough to understand about boring, demanding babies.

but, I did start young, I had my third before thirty. So I wasn’t even considering biological clock, and wasn’t focused on maintaining my career ( I have a great career now).
I agree with PP, go with your gut. Sometimes your body is trying to tell you something!

@SleepingStandingUp

Ha yeah me too! My ex husband walked out when twins were babies as couldn't cope - I'd be lost without my eldest. I do sometimes feel guilty that she has to be like a second parent but I'm very lucky that she's naturally like a mother hen 😄