DC's achievements and disappointments

[Thingsthatgo]

Please be gentle.
I have noticed recently that I am feeling my DC's highs and lows a bit too intensely. So, if my DS has a friend being unkind them, or comes last in a sports event it really gets me down. But if he wins an award, or gets a great mark in an exam, I am elated.
It's only started to happy recently and I wonder if it's hormonal (I'm 47).
I know that it's irrational and I try to push it away, like an intrusive thought, but I'm finding it frustrating and I don't want it to affect my children. (I obviously keep my thoughts and feelings hidden).
I have a job I love, a great social life and hobbies that I enjoy, so it's not as if I have no life beyond my kids.
Please don't come at me, I'm feeling a bit fragile. I would appreciate some coping strategies.

Your reactions are certainly not irrational. Do you know why you may be connecting so especially now with your DC? Was there anything from when you were their age that their life is now stirring up for you? I had a similar roller coaster of emotions when my DDs hit their teen years. Every little thing reminded me of me at that age and events I’d lived through at their age. So I’d get a bit weepy from joy or anxious and nail biting from fear for them.

I think it may be somewhat normal? Or maybe not, but I felt it too and it does pass.

I think this is somewhat normal? If my dd is happy, I'm happy likewise I can't be happy if she's sad.

I think we're programmed to feel what our dc feel a bit like ET and Elliot 😁

The idea is we can 'contain' their emotions so that they are more manageable for them, for example, if they're anxious we take that anxiety and show them it's okay.

I can resonante with this. I read the expression "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" on mumsnet, and it is so true for me.

I hate it when DD is unhappy.

I think this is normal too. I’m also 47 but have felt this way many years.

I feel like this although more so with the lows tbh

I found as DC reached teens this happened more. I think it was a couple of factors.

Firstly I was definitely more hormonal during my menopause especially anxiety so this may me so much more aware of feelings especially negative ones.

Secondly and I think this was very important they were hitting milestones (good and bad) that I recalled from my own teenage years, and this was much more so than I recalled milestones from being a young kid myself, I found my memories kicked in much more at this age. Friendships, school, insecurities, first part time job, relationships etc etc I remembered how this made me feel, brought up loads of memories of mine own - again good and bad. So it was a double whammy of recalling decisions and events in my own life which could be emotional as well as wanting to make sure they didn't repeat my mistakes.

I had to take a very intentional step back. Of course I'm always there for them and we are super close as a family. But I needed to be very clear with myself their issues were not the same as mine at the same age and their success and failings were theirs to celebrate and overcome. It's a balance of support without over investment.

I think these feelings in isolation are normal BUT it depends on what you go on to do afterwards. Ie when things go wrong, what do you say and do? When things go right, what do you say or do? It’s all about your knock on reaction to it all.

Thank you all for your reassurance!
I feel so much better now. They seem so vulnerable at the moment, and I just want them to be happy. (They mostly are!).
I am careful to celebrate with them when they've achieved and commiserate or help them when things don't go their way, and I do not make any of it about me or my feelings!
Often I think I feel their feelings more than they do!