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Original poster

Partner does not feel part of things

23 replies

Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 13:51

This feels really mixed up and confused in my head so I'm sorry if it's confusing or I add bits later during replies.

I have been seeing partner for 9 years. We have 2 children together. He has 3 adult children who are late 20s early 30s. I also have other children ranging from 12 to mid 20s. The 2 children we have together are 7&8.

We do not live together. There are several reasons for this. One is that when we did live together for a while it was hell. I felt like I was the skinny and I had a many child which is actually harde work than an actual child. It stressed me out so much I still get upset if I think about it. He has never understood to this day.

Also my life is full of shit and complicated . I have a teenager who is struggling badly with mental health.Possibly ADHD. He's also been very aggressive/violent towards me. He is now getting help with this .

Also my adult daughter has Been through alot involving domestic violence, social services. Child with special needs and she struggles alot and I heavily support her.

The above things have been something that's been going onnfor a long time and are long term issues not just something that's fixed in a few months .

I have always dealt with everything on my own.

So mine and his set up is that he has the 2 youngest every other weekend at his parents house, He lives with his parents. And he stays over my place for the weekend every few weeks. This has only happend over the past couple of years. Before that he saw the kids only at my house. Stayed over every weekend and one night midweek.

His situation is. He lives at home with his parents. His mum does everything for him. He works . Has 3 adult daughters all left home. And he seens them when they can ie when they have time of work or spend weekend together when possible.

He had a non cancerous tumour in his head very close to his ear. There's a name for it but I can't remember. It effected his balance head aches etc he often used to fall over. It has been a really stressful awful time for him. He says he felt permanently drunk . The op was just over 3 months ago. He's feeling and doing much better than before the op. He had 3 months of week but is now back but he is struggling a bit he says he wants to carry on at work as its driving hom insane at home with his parents.

Hes had hearing problems for longer than I have known him. And uses hearing aids. Although he's now completely death on the side he had the tumour. He's waiting on new hearing aids which will name his deaf ear think it can hear . So hopefully that side of things will get better.

So now to present day :
Yesterday afternoon there was me, teen son, his boyfriend, my Dd her 2 children . Our 7/8 year olds. And their dad. So was 9 of us. The 3 kids were playing and chatting . And the rest of us were just chatting, joking about a bit .

Next thing I know partner has got up vanished for 5 min. Then he came said he needs to go he's trembling kisses us all good bye. I'm thinking wtf . I managed to talk to him very briefly he kept saying he's to old for me and that I have my family he does nor have anyone. I thought I should let him calm down and chat later as he was really upset abd not making sense.

I left it a while then u just sent him a message said are you driving . He was still outside my house sitting in his car so I went outside to talk with him abd see what was wrong.

He said he feels like he has no family and he does not feel a part of things. He said he has to carry this stupid bag around with him where he just stays here and there. Ie here or his daughters place . He feels like he does not have a proper home. And he's living at home with his parents in his late 50s.

He feels like I have this lovely family unit my kids around me the adult ones coming to visit etc. But my life is also very stressful and my children need alot of support which he cant actually cope with.

I'm not sure what to say to him 😔

OP posts:
onefinemess · 30/05/2023 14:20

You had kids with a man who has achieved nothing in his life. To be in your 50s and still living with your parents is quite frankly pathetic.

He has no money.
No home.
No prospects.

No wonder he's feeling like shit. In reality, it's probably too late for him now to achieve anything much with his life. That's not something you can fix.

Concentrate on your kids, you don't need another one to look after.

FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 14:26

You have a lot on your plate, your DC are quite rightly your priority.

You really do not need a man child demanding the intense level of emotional support he appears to require.

If he were a tad more concerned about supporting others, he might feel a tad less alone.

Expressing his jealousy of your situation is surely, a new low in human relations.

Fedupofdiets · 30/05/2023 14:27

It does sound like an odd set up but I can see why you have had to do it like that. What does he actually want though? I mean he is right in what he is saying. Was it a feeling sorry for himself moment or is he asking to move in?

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 14:28

onefinemess · 30/05/2023 14:20

You had kids with a man who has achieved nothing in his life. To be in your 50s and still living with your parents is quite frankly pathetic.

He has no money.
No home.
No prospects.

No wonder he's feeling like shit. In reality, it's probably too late for him now to achieve anything much with his life. That's not something you can fix.

Concentrate on your kids, you don't need another one to look after.

He has money. His job is well paid . He lived with his last partner for 18 years. So he's been in long term relationships He's rented a couple of places but when tenancy ends he just gos back home. I think he does not want to live alone due to being lonely.

And yeah I agree about the kids and fixing his stuff. I did say to him some of the stuff is natural like his adult kids doing their own thing working etc .

OP posts:
Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 14:40

Fedupofdiets · 30/05/2023 14:27

It does sound like an odd set up but I can see why you have had to do it like that. What does he actually want though? I mean he is right in what he is saying. Was it a feeling sorry for himself moment or is he asking to move in?

He would move in tomorrow if I let him. But I simply can't. He does not have any understanding of my children's needs abd how complex they are. It would also be much more stress on me and I just can't do it. I do love him but we don't work living together. When ivtold him to leave I felt a massive weight lift. And I can't go back there . We can spend time together sleep over . Odd weekend here and there. And it's lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 14:43

FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 14:26

You have a lot on your plate, your DC are quite rightly your priority.

You really do not need a man child demanding the intense level of emotional support he appears to require.

If he were a tad more concerned about supporting others, he might feel a tad less alone.

Expressing his jealousy of your situation is surely, a new low in human relations.

There's nothing to be jealous of. It's bloody stressful and hard work.

I do wounder if its stress or a form of depression over his operation and its possible dragged him down a bit

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 30/05/2023 14:45

He chooses to live with his parents
Not your job while your dc need you
Suggest hecgets huis own place near you

Acoustic neuroma?

PennyWeisse · 30/05/2023 14:49

What's he done with his money for the last 30 years if he has a well paid job?

Is he sitting on enough for a deposit?

He has 5 children, why doesn't he feel like he's part of anything?

Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 15:03

cestlavielife · 30/05/2023 14:45

He chooses to live with his parents
Not your job while your dc need you
Suggest hecgets huis own place near you

Acoustic neuroma?

Yes that's the name.

He don't want to be on his own.

I guess I put it down to that he was feeling a bit sorry for himself. And will be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 17:09

PennyWeisse · 30/05/2023 14:49

What's he done with his money for the last 30 years if he has a well paid job?

Is he sitting on enough for a deposit?

He has 5 children, why doesn't he feel like he's part of anything?

I don't fully know what he spends his money on.

He does not have savings.

And I think he wants the family unit. Where he is living in a family home.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 30/05/2023 17:31

He wants to take you down a peg or two. "What about me, waaaaahhh".

Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 17:57

Summerhillsquare · 30/05/2023 17:31

He wants to take you down a peg or two. "What about me, waaaaahhh".

What do you mean take me down a peg or two?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 18:22

I do wounder if its stress or a form of depression over his operation and its possible dragged him down a bit

Does it really matter why?

Your life is no picnic and yet he is wailing 'poor me' and expecting your support to stretch even further than it does already.

Women are socialised to put themselves last and can be very good at putting everyone else's needs ahead of their own. Fair enough for your DC but...

Really? Why isn't he focused on stepping up and supporting you, instead of adding to your burdens? What was he like earlier, what do his DC remember about his input to their lives.

Maybe there is another reason why his life feels a bit empty and meaningless.

Ask yourself that instead of looking for excuses got his behaviour.

He doesn't want to be alone and he doesn't want to put himself out by providing some much needed help and support. No, he wants to hover up some help and support himself.

If his DC needed him the way yours do, would he step up?

Thought not, a sign of being self centred and selfish.

FetchezLaVache · 30/05/2023 18:44

It's his own fault if he doesn't feel part of things - he can't live with you because you rightly wouldn't carry him when he utterly failed to pull his weight. And he does understand this. There's no way he'd still be with you if he honestly believed you asked him to leave for no reason at all!

He'd rather let a (presumably) 80-odd year-old woman do his washing and cooking than pull his socks up and live with his partner and children.

He is a misogynist who believes that it is the duty of the nearest female to launder his grots.

UndercoverCop · 30/05/2023 18:50

He could live in a house share, or rent somewhere with a lodger. Surely if he's well paid and living at home a lot he should've saved to buy a home etc? He can get a hobby if he wants, make some friends. He is not your responsibility. If he's unhappy with what he's achieved he is the only one who can change that

Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 21:46

FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 18:22

I do wounder if its stress or a form of depression over his operation and its possible dragged him down a bit

Does it really matter why?

Your life is no picnic and yet he is wailing 'poor me' and expecting your support to stretch even further than it does already.

Women are socialised to put themselves last and can be very good at putting everyone else's needs ahead of their own. Fair enough for your DC but...

Really? Why isn't he focused on stepping up and supporting you, instead of adding to your burdens? What was he like earlier, what do his DC remember about his input to their lives.

Maybe there is another reason why his life feels a bit empty and meaningless.

Ask yourself that instead of looking for excuses got his behaviour.

He doesn't want to be alone and he doesn't want to put himself out by providing some much needed help and support. No, he wants to hover up some help and support himself.

If his DC needed him the way yours do, would he step up?

Thought not, a sign of being self centred and selfish.

That actually makes alot of sense. I mean I do feel bad for him because he's struggled the last couple of years with his head situation. But as you say my life is not a picnic nut I just have to grt on with it. He's also an adult who has been looked after All his life so although he may have struggled he's had alot of support /help . If that was me I would not get that.

We do have some lovely times as well. But he does the fun stuff. And he thinks because we had a lovely day out . Or he orded a take away he's done his thing . He even thinks he's helping me by taking my dinner plate into the kitchen and he looks really happy with himself. So I do wounder if there something going on with him.

I think I'm just going to leave things as they are . I acknowledged that he was finding it hard that day abd I will leave it at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 21:52

FetchezLaVache · 30/05/2023 18:44

It's his own fault if he doesn't feel part of things - he can't live with you because you rightly wouldn't carry him when he utterly failed to pull his weight. And he does understand this. There's no way he'd still be with you if he honestly believed you asked him to leave for no reason at all!

He'd rather let a (presumably) 80-odd year-old woman do his washing and cooking than pull his socks up and live with his partner and children.

He is a misogynist who believes that it is the duty of the nearest female to launder his grots.

Sounds about right . His mum is apart of that . She's had the odd pop at me here and there. Which I ignored. But it still spoke volumes. My dad is not alive now he died in my mid twenty. But I feel so lucky I had a dad like him. Makes me remember what a fantastic dad he was . Kids dad says I think me and your dad would get in really well if he was alive. Erm.... no you wouldn't 😅

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 30/05/2023 21:57

Wow, a lot of ableist replies in this thread; and we wonder why people who struggle can get depressed… the world is quick to condemn someone living at his parents’ house- when he didn’t even have balance until 3 weeks ago. FFS, where is the compassion?

his life is not over at 50. Jesus, some people sound about 12 years old!

anyway. I have compassion for him. He’s been through a hell of a time. AND that doesn’t mean you need to carry him, OP.

what he was going through in the car was writing stories in his head, rather than dealing with his actual emotions. A therapist could help him access his emotions, and validate them, then support himself to move forward.

You do not need to be the one who helps him- nor would it be healthy for your relationship, to become a therapist to him.

to focus on yourself and save your energy for your own challenges, you can suggest a therapist, you can validate his feelings of sadness and shame, you can say the feelings are valid but the stories he’s spiraling into are neither true nor effective - if he wants life to be better, he needs to first heal and then decide what he wants and make it happen.

none of that is for you to do; it can be so difficult to watch someone flounder and flop about, but he’s got to get himself out of the pity-pit.

this answer isn’t all that helpful as far as actions go - I think I’m just reinforcing what you’ve already decided. Best of luck, op.

compassion is possible, and it doesn’t mean leaning further in to enable.

barmycatmum · 30/05/2023 22:00

Ps! Good for you, for maintaining your boundary and not letting him move in. I’m partly wondering if that’s what he’s working on, here.

don’t let him! He needs to stand on his own two feet.

Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 30/05/2023 22:13

barmycatmum · 30/05/2023 22:00

Ps! Good for you, for maintaining your boundary and not letting him move in. I’m partly wondering if that’s what he’s working on, here.

don’t let him! He needs to stand on his own two feet.

Thank you for both your replies. Yes I did wounder if he was wanting to move in. That won't happen though. I can't do that it would send me over the edge. We tried it. it didn't work when he left I felt a massive weight lift I can't put myself under that weight again.

OP posts:
pastypirate · 30/05/2023 23:58

Course he wants to move in! What a chancer!
Don't let him.op you sound amazing.

Nottodaysausage · 31/05/2023 05:59

I had a similar problem with me ex partner OP. He desperately tried to move in with me and my dd and I said no. It ended the relationship in the end. I would have considered it if I felt it would improve life for my child and improve life for me but he didn't put the work / effort it to convince me that that would be the case. I too have a great dad so I know that men are very capable, it's just some chose not to work hard in the home.
Your guy is feeling sorry for himself and hasn't put the work in to change, it is not your problem to fix

Original poster
Kidsdad23 · 31/05/2023 09:15

Nottodaysausage · 31/05/2023 05:59

I had a similar problem with me ex partner OP. He desperately tried to move in with me and my dd and I said no. It ended the relationship in the end. I would have considered it if I felt it would improve life for my child and improve life for me but he didn't put the work / effort it to convince me that that would be the case. I too have a great dad so I know that men are very capable, it's just some chose not to work hard in the home.
Your guy is feeling sorry for himself and hasn't put the work in to change, it is not your problem to fix

Your right he's definitely not moving in no hope.

All his family think he's this fantastic person who can do no wrong. If I was to say different I would be verbally attacked.

Don't get me wrong he can be lovely fun etc . But it is only the fun bits he wants/Disney dad.

To be honest though even if he was the perfect person. I still would not have him move in. I love my own space to much. When I get it. Just silly things like when kids are in bed Just being alone in the living room and it being silent . Or just having the bed to myself

OP posts:
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