Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

What is “friend” getting out of this behaviour?

20 replies

GeraldsMrs · 30/05/2023 07:31

I know this person isn’t a friend for various reasons but I don’t understand what they get out of this behaviour.

They act like it’s their duty to give me bad news. They tell me when someone has said something bad about me (which happens a lot so I don’t believe it anymore). Whenever they hear about anything that might be a problem for me they rush to tell me. None of these problems have ever occurred.

They try to advise me on my appearance, usually in a way that demolishes my clothes, my face, my weight and hair.

I made excuses for them. I thought they were trying to be helpful but going about it the wrong way.

I react very visibly to their comments because I am very expressive. It has also happened so often that I feel a fear response whenever they come near me because I think it’s going to happen again.

Are they getting some kind of kick out of my reactions? I literally don’t want to go near them anymore. They make me feel physically sick.

OP posts:

NameforMN · 30/05/2023 07:32

They're not a friend.

Tusktusk · 30/05/2023 07:35

Wow. This person is gaslighting you. It is abuse. Sounds like a control / power thing for them.

Is it a work colleague?

MadamWhiteleigh · 30/05/2023 07:36

I would guess that they feel insecure about themselves and they are jealous that you are ‘better’ than them in some way (in their mind) and so they need to find a way to bring you down to their ‘level’ or lower, so they in turn feel better about themselves.

You should honestly pity them. Because what they’re doing says everything about them, and nothing about you.

Original poster

GeraldsMrs · 30/05/2023 07:38

Yes @Tusktusk We cooperate on a lot of stuff so that creates lots of situations that can become “bad news”.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/05/2023 07:46

I agree that she is trying to bring you down to her level so she feels better about herself.

First of all, don't let her make any personal remarks about your appearance. You need to snap at her over that. Just say that you are sure that she would not like it if you made personal comments about her.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2023 07:48

Misery loves company.

FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 08:30

Yeah, not a friend.

How about when they bring you the biggest of bad news, you remain perfectly cheerful and completely not impacted by it. Even laugh a bit that they thought something so very trivial was even worth mentioning.

They are feeding off your reaction don't give them anything to feed in

Catlord · 30/05/2023 08:37

It's power and control. They probably feel insecure/ insignificant/ out of control about other areas and your guaranteed reactions are their pick me up as they have the power they crave to make you feel smaller than them. Prob why people mistreat animals. Not saying you're an animal but they feel power over you because you react.

I had a friend and later, a line manager like this. Both totally untrustworthy as they would use anything against you.

Why do you have to see them, is it work? I'd just withdraw completely if possible. Don't worry about their feelings. They'll find another supply.

LakeTiticaca · 30/05/2023 08:41

Ive met similar people in the past. Unpleasant people whom I eventually learned to give a wide berth.
Stat away from this person and don't engage unless you really have to

Allrightmylover · 30/05/2023 08:46

They don’t like you and are enjoying the schadenfreude aspect of being awful to you. They are also spectacularly dim to make it so obvious.

Divebar2021 · 30/05/2023 08:53

I try and have this conversation with my DD11 when her “friends” would have digs at her. I will say the same thing to you I say to her avoid if you can but if you can’t do not show a reaction… this is what they want “ throw some sarcasm back but cloak it as a joke. “Oh here comes Good news Brenda”… smile. “ What are you going to delight us with us today?” It’s ok to cry about these things later but showing a response is like feeding that plant in Little Shop of Horrors. I know this is not your natural response but upsetting you is what they’re trying to do.

Soozikinzii · 30/05/2023 09:26

Yes I agree with PP . You will have to paint a smile on however difficult it is and say oooo let's not be a Debbie downer or dont be a mood hoover what good news have you got for me ? If she starts on your appearance say who are you the style police ? And here was I thinking I looked udt about OK today ! While laughing . You can cry when you get in but laugh in her face . Good luck !"

Meeting · 30/05/2023 09:34

Call her out, every single time. You don't need to be confrontational about it.

For example if she were to comment about your appearance simply say "please don't comment on my looks". That's all you need to say. If it's in a work situation I would start a log of all her remarks because she seems the type of person to try and blame it all on you if something happens.

BMW6 · 30/05/2023 10:46

She's a cunt. Don't react to bad news - oh how sad/awful or just oh dear.
If she remarks critically on your appearance just shrug and say I don't give a shit.

You could say You're tediously predicable aren't you! Always in a hurry to impart bad news!

Give her a hard stare then walk away.

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 11:39

Yes, she's enjoying your reaction. So if you deprive her of the reaction, she gets no reward for doing it. I know it's difficult but work on changing your responses so that you don't look upset or worried. Try to look uninterested. Say "oh really" or "hm" or do a tinkly laugh and say "oh Doris, you're making an issue out of nothing". Give her a sympathetic head tilt look and ask if she's OK. When she doesn't get the result she wants, she'll stop.
Good point by a pp to keep notes of her predictions of doom at work. She might well try to blame you for things going wrong, and say she tried to warn you.

AliceOlive · 19/08/2023 12:26

Is this someone you have to keep being around?
If so, you need to start pushing back. Come up with a stock phrase.
“Why would you say that to me or anyone else? It’s just rude.”

Fuzzypeachdewberry · 19/08/2023 23:27

Do a massive wheres wally on her and never bother with her again !!!!

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 23:34

why is she always there when people are talking about you? I think she is the one who is talking about you to others, and reporting back to you because she wants to see your reaction
sounds like a snake

Elderflower14 · 20/08/2023 06:17

I had a similar friend. I got so fed up that I blocked her on everything.... She now tries to get at me through my son...

Purpleboat · 20/08/2023 06:21

I think honesty in a friend is an important quality, so if someone was running me down or I had something stuck on my teeth I would want my friend to tell me, however this is not what your friend is doing. They are running you down. You don’t need that negativity in your life. Keep your distance, you’ll be happier.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread