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Original poster

Would it be bad not to go to aunts funeral

25 replies

BunnyBlue · 29/05/2023 17:35

This is not an immediate problem or issue for me.

I can remember over a decade ago, at myy grandmothers funeral, one my my mother's sisters who is an aunt to me, threw me one of the most filthiest and dirtiest look from her face. It was the afters of the funeral and we were in the pub. I am not an alcoholic and I know how to handle my drink. I have maybe a few drinks, maybe 3 or 4 and I know when to stop. I was not using my grandmothers funeral to get drunk. I still remember the face I got from my aunt. The most sourest look of disgust towards me.

Over the past 5 years or so, news broke from within the family. She has an estranged daughter. She abused her daughter when she was small and she facilitated a bad person to be around her daughter when she was small. Need I say any more.

I don't usually see except for family functions and funerals. She's all about X being her son. I will call him Jimmy for this post but that's not his real name. Jimmy this and Jimmy that. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. The last time I saw my aunt was at a funeral a few years ago. At the time her other daughter chauffeured her to and from but she never had anything to say about how great her daughter was. It was all about Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Misogyny is bad but when it comes from another woman, it's worse. When that woman is family, it's worse again.

My aunt is approaching 80 now. Her health is not great. She's not sick in hospital but her health is not good either. She's over weight. She has high blood pressure. She has diabetes and other issues.

I was thinking if she was to take a turn and when she passes, I don't want to go to her funeral. She is a bad person who facilitated an abuser and she hates women.

Would it be bad to not go to a funeral even if it's family/aunt.

I don't need to worry about this yet.

OP posts:

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/05/2023 17:38

You don't like her and it appears she doesn't like you. But as she's not even dead yet you're jumping the gun a bit here. As you've asked, funeral attendance isn't compulsory. 'Sorry for your loss, but I can't make it' and a nice sympathy card

TiredOfCleaning · 29/05/2023 17:39

It is never bad IMO to not go to a funeral.

If you do not wish to, then don't.

tailinthejam · 29/05/2023 17:42

I'd not go to the funeral of someone who clearly disliked me, no.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 29/05/2023 17:46

I'd consider whether your other family members would welcome having you there for support. Your aunt won't know whether you're there or not, but your parents/siblings/cousins/other aunts and uncles will. How would it go down with the rest of the family if you don't turn up?

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 29/05/2023 17:59

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Why give brainspace to something that hasn’t even happened yet. Sounds like you are almost wishing her dead, listing all her medical conditions.

ifonly4 · 29/05/2023 18:00

You're not in regular contact, so I wouldn't go unless I felt it was really the right thing to do. I've had six uncles and aunties (excluding those that are part of the family by marriage). I'm only in contact with one Auntie and I feel her and her husband, my lovely Uncle are my true family who I dearly love. Theirs are the only funerals I feel the need to go to, for them and myself.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/05/2023 18:02

It’ll make no difference to her if you go or not.

Will it make a difference to her daughter and your parent who is her sibling? Or any other family members?

Funerals are for the family so I’d be thinking of them rather than the aunt herself in your decision about going or not

DPotter · 29/05/2023 18:19

I haven't gone to funerals of people I liked, due to work commitments. If you don't want to go don't.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 18:21

She sounds horrendous. Don’t go if you don’t want to.

tailinthejam · 29/05/2023 18:28

@BunnyBlue Are you in contact with her estranged daughter, who is presumably your cousin?

Original poster

BunnyBlue · 29/05/2023 18:38

I'm not wishing her dead but its nearly come close to my door. Another woman I know is somewhat similar. Approaching 89 and had a list of conditions and there was a scare recently with her.

My mi d was casted to my aunt who is somewhat similar. Similar age. Similar health issues. Then I thought what would happen if she was to die.
I don't like her. I don't like my aunt. There Was something about her yeses ago with her horrible look out of nowhere towards me. Then I found out that she facilitated abuse towards my cousin when she was a small girl. My aunt allowed her brother to abuse his niece. I have reasons to believe this because he tried it on with me. He was trying to feel me up at my grandmothers funeral I front of everyone in broad daylight. I never said anything but walked.m from him. What my cousin relayed is true.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 29/05/2023 18:38

I had an aunt who died when she was 101.
I didn't go to her funeral.
She was a racist bigot.
Loads of people had said she was "wonderful" but she was actually a nasty piece of work.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 18:42

Decide at the time. You might decide you want to go. Or you might die before her. Don't sweat it until you have to decide.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/05/2023 18:46

Sorry - the woman is not dead! I can't get over you planning ahead!!

Wait & see. I mean, probably no, but no need to be worrying just now.

Original poster

BunnyBlue · 29/05/2023 18:51

I said in my original post that I don't need to worry about it now. Just in case she was to ever take a turn within the next few more years and passes. I would like to have my decision done and not go and stick with it and be firm. I don't want to turn up to her funeral and be a hypocrite. She's not a nice person.

OP posts:

Original poster

BunnyBlue · 29/05/2023 19:03

I already made my decision and I don't want to be swayed and I'm asking is it bad to not attend?

She allowed her daughter to be abused and when her girl was little and when she used to cry and speak up her mother used to best her. That's unforgivable.

OP posts:

Weallgottachangesometime · 29/05/2023 19:16

No it’s not bad not to attend.
fuck her.
if anyone asks why you didn’t go tell them it’s because she facilitated child sexual abuse (this was the assumption I made).

I had an uncle who was a piece of shit…domestically abuse to several partners, sexual abuse to young girls. I didn’t go to his funeral and when my mum asked why I told her if she wanted me to explain I could but that she might not like to hear it. She chose not to hear it.

Farmageddon · 29/05/2023 19:21

OP don't give this woman the headspace. Clearly there is no love lost between you, so if you don't want to go then don't go...

But she's not even dead so it's a bit weird to be thinking about this, I mean she may actually outlive you. Would you care if she came to your funeral?

Norma27 · 29/05/2023 19:36

It was my aunts funeral this week. No way I going to attend as I could not stand the woman. She tried to make my life hell.
I don’t feel bad for not going one bit.

141mum · 29/05/2023 19:41

Nope don’t go, I really don’t agree on people who go to funerals if 1, u don’t like them and 2 if you not seen them for years, if you liked them you wld have seen them
ive been called hard, I think it’s honest

Meadowfly · 29/05/2023 19:54

Funerals aren’t compulsory. I didn’t go to my great uncles because it was I long drive and I was heavily pg, ds didn’t go to one of his gps because he was taking part and n the final round of a national competition. Lots of people aren’t allowed time off work for funerals except for immediate family.

JerseyRoyals · 30/05/2023 09:04

I have an elderly ill aunt and I am not going to her funeral for anything. She was an exceptionally nasty piece of work and manipulated my grandmother and liked to play people off each other. My mother is 12 years younger than her and got the brunt of some extreme viciousness from her- to this ery day despite DM being 76 years old and her sister 88.

Aunt had a health scare last year. DM rang me up to tell me and told I do not have to go to the funeral. I said I had no attention of doing so upon which DM got the hump strangely. She had said i did not have to go, but I think she wanted me to ask her permission to not go if you know what I mean. DM suggested I just send flowers to the funeral when her sister dies. I said I was not doing that either.

I am 50 and hae obsered for 50 years just how nasty my aunt is. I'm not wasting any more time on her and that includes going to her funeral.

JerseyRoyals · 30/05/2023 09:05

It seems my 'v' key is a bit sticky.... there were meant to be some 'vs' in that post!

KetoQueen · 30/05/2023 09:09

You might want to go to support your family if no other reason. But at the end of the day it’s really down to what you want. I’ve got an uncle I hate and won’t be going to his.

MintJulia · 30/05/2023 09:13

It won't make any difference to the aunt. But will you hurt anyone that you do care about, by not attending?

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