Struggle to make friends

[aliasname]

I have no friends.
I'm beginning to realise that one of the reasons is because I struggle to connect with people. I don't have any ND issues, but I do think it's something to do with my childhood.

I dislike being too open with people. There was a thread recently about a workplace team introduction, someone suggested having 5 or 6 facts about yourself to mention. Made me laugh, I'd have 1 fact (and it would be something innocuous & not too personal)

So earlier today my DHs friend asked me a question which put me on the spot, made me feel so uncomfortable. Really it was an innocent question (do you do ?? if not, why not?) But I felt so defensive. I couldn't wait to leave the room & get away from the conversation (now he probably thinks I'm rude and unfriendly)

It started me thinking about why don't I have any friends, and when I was growing up I always felt inadequate. everything I did was wrong. Or I had to justify it. If I got upset, I was 'too sensitive'. Now I avoid answering any personal questions.

I think it's left me feeling I can't trust anyone, that people will judge me so it's just easier just not to let myself be vulnerable. (Except DH, even then I do react badly to criticism but he's used to it)

I don't know what I'm asking. I just wish I had mates to feel comfortable around, who even if they made a critical comment I wouldn't take it to heart. I feel bad about overreacting to DHs friend.

Hi,

Making friends get harder as we get older. It requires a lot of time and effort.

What type friendship are you looking for?

I don't think your lack of friendship had anything to do with your awkward nature around personal questioning. I know a lot of people who don't like being asked personal questions, you just tend to steer away from that area to prevent them from being uncomfortable.

Sounds like you've actively avoided making friends to stop anyone being 'critical" as a defensive mechanism.

Anyways if you want friends, first you have to know what time of friendship you want as there are different types. Second, you have to be willing to put some a lot of time and effort. Finally, I see no harm in telling people that you don't like personal questioning and to reframe from asking or being critical. People generally don't want to overstep people's boundaries but need to know what they are first to prevent that from happening.

I think you'll get there but you have to make some changes to your lifestyle to get there, this includes spending time and effort, being open and honest about your boundaries and understanding what friendship your looking to make.

Guavafish1 thank you for your message. I guess I just felt like an idiot over the conversation with DHs friend. And you're right, I avoid making new friendships as a defensive mechanism.

But it was an instinctive response to leave the room quickly. I don't know how easy it is to change.

I appreciate your words.