Friendship dilemma

[Pinktrousers2020]

I’ll try to be as clear and not drip feed as much as possible.

I have this friend who I have known for 5 years and we hit it off straight away - I really liked her and she really liked me.

About a year after we met up, things started to be hard for her so I did everything I could to help her, cooked for her, babysat for her so she could go out with her dh, took her kids out whenever I could, my dc are older so no problem, generally going to her whenever she needed etc…

Then last year she asked me for a favour but I couldn’t help and I stopped hearing from her, when I suggested we go for a drink, she wouldn’t take me up on my offer so I stopped asking and I was having a hard time, depression, stuff going on with my kids, suicidal ideation..I told her I was having a tough time but I have never unloaded onto her. She knew or possibly preferred to ignore I was feeling down and never texted me. She didn’t initiate contact for a year.

I bumped into her and we chatted, she needed childcare for the teacher strike so I have offered to have her dc as I absolutely love her kids.

I have started to see her more since I had her kids, we went out a couple of days ago and she was talking about another friend who is really taking advantage of her hospitality and she said : all she does is take, take,take ….

My question is : didn’t she do that to me ? Taking until I couldn’t give as I was ill and she absolutely let me down ? And what am I doing still talking to her ?? Her kids are so lovely that’s why I think. Am I stupid ? Shall I let it go and just enjoy our friendship back on track ?

I’m useless, I’m a people pleaser, I’m impulsive and would do anything possible for the people I care about.

Please start by being nicer about yourself. The words you’re using to describe yourself are so negative. If you treat yourself as you would a friend you might find it easier to expect better treatment from the people in your life.

Yes, this woman has taken advantage of your kind nature. No, you shouldn’t keep doing things for her no matter how lovely her kids are. She’s a user. You deserve much better and a relationship between people is only a real friendship when it’s works for both parties concerned. This one only works for her, her reaction to you saying no just once shows you everything you need to know.

shes using you

Why are you doing childcare for her? You bump in to her for the first time in ages and she's let's it be known she's needing childcare, why did you immediate offer?

She's taking the piss out of you and you're letting her.

Thank you both. I’m just so sad, we used to spend lots of time together then it stopped. Same sense of humour. My kids are much older so we can’t really exchange childcare favours..I introduced her to another friend of mine and now they are super close and I’m the odd one out. I have no use.

@pinkyredrose I have offered impulsively

I bet she knew you would, that's why she mentioned needing childcare.

Are you planning to look after her kids again? She wasn't there for you when you were ill and as soon as she see's you again she gets a favour out of you. Can't you see she doesn't give a fuck about you?

Think of things to say when/if she asks favours in the future. That's if you're planning on keeping her around.

I need to put my distances and yes I don’t she will really care when I do it !

Only it’s not really a ‘dilemma’, is it, OP? You mis her, your self-esteem is poor, and you are hurt that she seems only to ‘see’ you when you’re helpful to her, so you’re trying to get back the friendship by acts of service.

I would echo the poster who says to be kind to yourself. You are worthy of consideration.

Oh lovely, she has behaved horribly and shown you exactly what she is like so pick your self esteem up off the floor and walk away. Her kids, as lovely as they are, don't warrant you helping her out any more or her treating you like a convenience. Sometimes when we are wide open to being used we let all sorts in. Time to shut down the barriers a bit and look at yourself and why you are doing this. Take care of yourself.

thank you for helping me - I couldn’t talk about to anyone in real life.

Are you expecting to hear from her in the near future? Please practice what you'll say when she tries to use you, write it down and practice in front of a mirror if you want. Whatever you do don't say sorry and try not to look worried. Be stony faced or smile. Any sign of self doubt she'll perceive as weakness and pounce.

I am expected to see her soon again, I have started practicing - If I was seeing her right now, she wouldn’t be able to make sense with what I’m saying / English is not my first language - I need lots of practice.

She doesn't seem like a greta friend. I know you love her kids but she sees you as a babysitter it seems. Did she ever treat you to lunch or dinner as a thank you for what you do? Gift you a voucher?If the answer is no, then you have your answer about her. Down on top of this she is bitching and moaning about another friend who has presumably recently upset her by not doing something for her? I wouldn't be surprised if that same friend got the same rant about you.
I too am a people pleaser. I would do anything not to upset people & I like to avoid conflict. However in recent times I have really delved into what it means for me to people please. I have since become mindful and have stopped people pleasing. I was for a while everyones taxi, everyones therapist... It was overwhelming. I was getting angrier at these people and eventually I just kinda stopped saying I would do these things for them. I feel much better for it.

I think you need to mind yourself a bit like you are a cell phone battery.

You have a social capacity, some people increase that capacity, being around them energises you and makes you feel good and other people drain the battery.

People pleasers typically have what is called a fawn response to people who drain their batteries. They learn that early on in life. In their earliest relationships in order to get their primary need for love and connection even partially met they had to learn to abandon themselves and their own needs.

So in short learn who drains your battery, begin to understand that it is your conditioning/programming that causes you to seek out the familiarity of those types of people and start to reprogramme yourself away towards more energising relationships.