Friend moving in - how to make it work for us all

[snooterfloofer]

One of my best friends is moving in to live with us for a few months after splitting with her partner. She is relocating to the area we live in up north from London and will be working for my DH and staying with us until she saves enough and finds somewhere to rent. We don't need any financial contribution from her so that's not an issue.

We live in a small-ish terrace and have a small spare room for her to have as a bedroom, and can store her furniture etc at our business premises. Spare room is currently junk room so we are going to get that sorted out and will need to do an ikea trip for a bed etc.

She won't be here for a few weeks yet so I'm going to take the opportunity to declutter the whole house as well as the spare room. I'm hoping to free up a kitchen cupboard for her to keep any food bits she wants to keep separate (she will join in with dinner etc most of the time). We only have one bathroom but I'll get an extra basket for her to store her stuff in.

I just want to make her feel comfortable and welcomed. Is there anything I can do to make it easier for us all? We get on very well but haven't lived together before!

I should imagine you're the only one who's thought this

You’re keeping her money in an account for her?? And she’s dependent on you to house and employ her? Sounds like a huge pressure to put on a friendship, very strange dynamic.

I'd like to know this too.

Make sure she knows your domestic expectations on smoking, drugs, booze, home security, quiet time at night, her contribution to bathroom and kitchen hygeine. (Don't flush pantliners. Separate waste in the kitchen. ) It might be easier to do this on a little "guest welcome card".

Its those very little things which can be very grating.

I don't think the money thing is that weird. I've just popped it in a savings account for her, as she's still intertwined with her ex so wants to keep things separate. Im not going to go into the details but you can read into that however you will.

I helped a relative furnish a flat for free (in the main) using marketplace, gumtree (for the free section) and free sites. Furniture especially just doesn't have much of a resale value and a lot of people have to pay the council to take it away so there is always some good stuff out there. Just a thought when she gets a flat, you could start looking now and getting stuff together and storing it at your business premises.

I appreciate that. I would just say to try not to cast yourself too thoroughly as your friend’s rescuer. I’ve seen on a number of occasions that dynamic come back to bite people down the line, despite everyone involved having good intentions. Sometimes the ‘rescued’, once they’ve recovered somewhat and got back on their feet, start looking around for other people who didn’t see them at their lowest, and reject the ‘helper’, who is too associated the bad times and helplessness. It’s understandable, if hurtful.

@SpeckledlyHen this is a good idea actually. We live in a bit of a middle class but hippy-ish area and people are always giving decent stuff away so will keep an eye out.

Yeah, if furnished places are few and far between I'd encourage her to not rule out unfurnished. She can get better stuff later but it's really not hard to come across dirt cheap or free second hand furniture.

Agree that you can furnish a house in a few weeks pretty cheaply, Facebook marketplace, charity shops etc. When I moved into my first place the only things I bought brand new were mattresses, Hoover, kettle, toaster and door mats. I was going to gradually upgrade but a lot of the second hand stuff is still with me 5 years later 😄

(This does rely on having access to a decent size car to connect purchases)

*Collect

We don't need any financial contribution from her

Are you going to pay for her food/energy usage/bills etc for weeks on end with no contribution?

I'm sorry to say that this is a recipe for disaster.

Please let us know in a few month how you get on.

I agree

Get a date for her to move out down in writing.
Wether that’s in 3 months, 6 months or a year. Get this done before she moves in.
This may not mean she will go willingly but at least you’ll have a firm basis for putting her stuff out.
I speak from experience. (nightmare).

During covid a friend from the states emigrated via us in France. Came for 2 weeks. Was clearly approaching suicidal and stayed for 4 months. On our invitation.

Great house guest. Cooked regularly, dealt with kids (4 teens) shared an office with me, but buggered off elsewhere if we both had calls. Contributed to bills. Without this it wouldn't have been possible. Chipped in all the time.

Still great/best friends.

My main issue with what you are doing is no contribution to bills and food. This isnt reasonable for either party.

Set clear and honest expectations in advance, particularly around money and time periods. Be prepared for this to put a strain on your friendship.

No surefire recipe for resentment towards friend and for friend to feel like she’s not on an equal footing. Don’t have any set up here where there’s a sense of indebtedness on any side. Keep the house sharing element ‘business only’, not on a friends basis, as it risks causing imbalance and weirdness in the friendship. I speak from experience!

I furnished most of my flat from my local British Heart Foundation charity shop. I don’t drive but there was a flat fee for delivery so I just ordered everything in one go.

I have had lodgers over 25 years and agree with much of what has been said.
Make expectations explicit. This is especially true of high use shared areas. In my experience bins, towels, washing up, noise and smoking are areas to iron out by the end of day 1.
I like the idea of a card I might use that. Our motto is if it if full empty it (bins, washing up bowl) if it is empty fill it ( fridge).
We include some things in rent such as toilet roll, washing up liquid, milk or you end up with messy replications. That might not be for everyone.
I would engage in some type of transaction if you don’t want rent. It is better for self esteem and confidence. Such as lodging for gardening, diy, cooking.
From the start I would be framing it as, ‘ it is great we can help each other out. I know you are working hard to be in your own place before Christmas.’
We have loved having so many people living with us and gained so much. Enjoy the experience.

@MMMarmite sitting on a sofa, watching a tv, & listening to the humming of the fridge - 13 years on 😂🤣

Sofa definitely needs replacing now. Just need to find one as comfy!!

Thanks again everyone. I am surprised by all the negative reactions to be honest. I'm not really worried about it - we know each other very well and have the same sort of personality/values so I think it will be fine. She has stayed with us for a week or two at a time before and definitely pulls her weight cooking and cleaning wise.

We don't need the financial contribution from her and would rather her put that money towards her savings for her own place. She's very much looking forward to getting her own flat after living with her partner for a few years (lived alone for a long time before this) so she's said she doesn't want to hang around too long! We will definitely put X amount of weeks limit on it though as it gives us all something to work towards.

Yeah everyone goes into these arrangements thinking it’ll be great (‘we’re too good friends for it to affect our friendship, we get on so well’, etc.)

The reason for the warnings is people are speaking from experience!

Definitely good call about the fixed timeframe! Even though you don’t need the money, would definitely suggest setting a contribution towards everything - rent, bills, food – from your friend too, even if just a nominal, token amount. This is for your friend’s benefit as much as yours – it just feels much better for the dynamic to feel like everything is being done fair and square and not on a purely benevolent basis.