I have to quit my job

[babylon88]

The physical, mental and emotional toll parenthood has and continues to take on me has left me broken. Almost everything they said would get better by now hasn't and now all of the next stage difficulties are in the mix too. My job is long, physically and mentally demanding and I can't get through the parenting day without having intrusive thoughts about how it could all end, let alone working on top.

Everyone else manages so I don't understand why I can't. I'm the only one who's been in this position aren't I?

What's your job? How many kids do you have and how old are they? Do you have any support? Is the dad in the picture?

No you’re definitely not, you sound overwhelmed and burnt out, is there any way you can reduce your hours?

Sounds like it's the job that's the problem. Can you look for a different job?

What's your situation? How many children do you have, how old are they, do you have a partner or are you a single parent?

Can you reduce your hours or be signed off?

You're not the only person who feels like this and everyone else isn't managing fine is the long and short of it!
We all present a facade of what we want people to see, the graceful swan gliding along, but under the water we are paddling frantically against the flow.

If you're having intrusive thoughts, please go and talk to someone about it, ideally a GP, but also your partner, your mum, your friend, just sometime else at the school gates, whichever feels best.

No, you’re not the only one, honestly loads of people feel like you.
I quit two well paid jobs because I’d just had enough, and I didn’t have children. The pressure on women today to work, pay bills, manage family life and nurture children is just enormous.
Can you take some time out to think it over? Get signed off for a while so you’ll still get paid?

I work in healthcare. I only have 1 13 month old who goes to grandparents for one afternoon a week. Dad is in the picture but is out of the house 14 hours a day when working. He does try to give me respite when not working, but our child only wants me and my mental health has reached such a place that I can't deal with the screaming and crying when we get separated. He does take them out but I know (because I get told) how miserable they are and I can't relax, not to mention I just have stuff to do when I'm not parenting.

That sounds really hard. I sympathise.

How long have you been back from mat leave?
Can you ask for part time or flexible hours?
Can you afford to leave your job?

It’s sounds really stressful, would taking a career break for now be an option? I took time out after maternity leave and even though our finances took a hit, have never regretted it. A lot of the other issues was experiencing self resolved without that pressure. Now back to work feeling in a very different place

You 100% need more support than this.

Dad should not 'try' and give you respite, it should be a regular thing. No excuses. Loads of fathers are out 14 hours a day when working. What's his shift pattern? You absolutely do not need to hear your child will not settle for him. Your child will learn they are not going to die without you and your partner will have to learn how to navigate the issue.

What about grandparents picking up an extra day, even on a temp basis?

You need this for your own mental health. Could you take some time off sick and continue to send baby to grandparents one day per week?

Get a sick note, and get to your GP, maybe you could use some meds to help you through?
I wouldn't quit work, you may come to see it as a pleasurable break from your child.
Where does the baby go whilst you work?
DH needs to stop telling you how miserable the baby is without you, and man the fuck up, and get on with looking after his own child.

He's not 'giving you respite', he's looking after the kids! It's not a gift he's giving you that you have to be grateful for.

Are you sleeping?

Go to your GP and get some time out. Take to your manager and get a referral for occupational health. Please take action.

First thing. Do not quit your job!!!!! Get signed off sick-because you are. See what support for your mental health is available. Take a breath. Don't make any irrevocable decisions at this point.

I agree with this.

As soon as I read your first couple of sentences I knew that you would be working in healthcare. It's horrendous and I feel for you.

I’m confused OP, if he’s only going to grandparents once a week, what’s happening with childcare when you work?

they are still quite difficult at 13 months, I remember my eldest screaming and banging on the shower door every time I went to have a shower. Just just need to ignore abd evebtually they grow out of it. (Although DS is now 17 and still much prefers me!)

I would definitely get signed off for a month and take stock of things. Reducing your days would work?

Reducing hours might have worked if it was a less intense job but the thought of having to do the job at all is overwhelming because I know I'm just not capable anymore.

Going sick doesn't seem like an option because I have no idea if or when it'll get better. Everyone said when they start solids, when they can crawl, when they can walk, etc etc and none of it has happened. All that's different is my non sleeping, non eating baby is now a toddler and has uncontrollable tantrums.

It WILL get better I promise. One day in a few years you'll lie in bed having forgotten the tooth fairy should have visited, reminiscing of the time baby was teething and you didn't sleep for 3 nights straight. You thought those 3 nights were the end of the world at the time.

You are spinning too many plates at the moment. One of them is going to hit the ground. Don't let that one be you. You need a break from work. One less thing in the equation allows the others to balance until you are ready to pick them all up again.

I burnt myself out, reevaluated life choices over covid and moved to a different organisation. I did take a pay cut but it has been totally worth it. My job now is a little boring but has lots of room for progression when I'm ready and I feel like I've got my old self back a bit.

I'd move whilst still in employment rather than quit with no other option.

However, if being at home with your DC until they start school is an option for you (and you are financially secure) then you might find parenting more enjoyable when you don't have as many conflicting priorities.

You need to look after yourself. You're no good to anyone if you're struggling.

Talk with your health visitor. See if there's a reason why your toddler is so upset. Perhaps there's food intolerances?

I must stress though, you need to take care of your own wellbeing. Take some sick leave to give yourself time to work out how to manage and get some help/advice on ways to create a happier life.

And don't let your DP think he's 'helping you'. He's being a parent, just as you are.

Op, although your baby is 13 months old you can still be very vulnerable to PND. Can you talk to your health visitor.

I was about to say that you're still in the post natal depression zone.
See your GP and get signed off. This can be fixed

I knew you were going to say healthcare. Whilst I agree that you shouldn't make any snap decisions, I did leave and never looked back. Absolutely toxic profession.

Going off sick will give you the head space to make sensible decisions. There’s many jobs in healthcare so you should have options but you need to recover your mental health. Baby years are hard. I’m at the next stage (all dc at secondary) and this is by far my favourite stage. I enjoyed the younger years but I feel I am me now and not overwhelmed and just mum like I was back when I had toddlers.

How long have you been back at work?

How many hours are you doing? It sounds a bit like you've lost all your confidence and I would worry that being at home might compound this?
Similarly if you are struggling with parenting and a difficult baby, is being with them 24/7 really going to be the best thing for your mental health?

It sounds like something needs to change whether it is hours or the role that you do but I would worry that just packing it in isn't going to provide you with a magic solution. Is there something in a similar field you can do? Can you do a few bank shifts?

What balance do you think you need? It doesn't sound like your child has had much time to settle into a new routine so don't give up on it ever happening.

Just in response to people telling you absolutely don’t quit etc, you need to get treatment , as a HCP I’m not disagreeing may very well be. I can’t tell you what is the right thing to do or how will turn out but just to balance that argument. I was in very similar position, returning from maternity leave, very sleep deprived, highly responsible position, husband in demanding job. I quit and went into to enjoy several years at home with dc, the relief was almost instant, without the pressure I’d been under I went from finding playing with dc being tedious to actually enjoying it, MH improved massively. Yes we had to be very frugal, buy toys and furniture etc from fb and no money for fancy baby classes etc but was 100x worth it. Returned to work on bank once DC sleeping a bit better then back to similar job had been in after next DC. Now love my job and family time, happy marriage and family.