Wifes Confidence to return to work

[JustADadOfThree]

Hi, I'm not sure you can help but thought I would try. My wife's not worked for over 15 years because she gave it up to raise our kids. We're comfortable so she doesn't need to so I didn't pressure her. She would be much happier if she was working but has no confidence at all. She doesn't want to meet new people or get a job as she thinks people will think she's stupid. I need to find some way to boost her confidence. I'm not sure what to do. She thinks I don't understand why it's so hard and I guess I don't, but I try. I've tried to explain how clever she is and good she'd be if she just tried. I need to kick start her confidence somehow. Is there a course she can do that helps or any other ideas? All mine have been dismissed but it's not something I know much about. Any suggestions welcome.

What are her strengths/previous qualifications/things that she enjoys doing?

Volunteering might be a good option to get her back into the swing of things.

i can understand her confidence feeling low. But volunteering should be quite low pressure and she can just take it slowly and build from there.

What did your wife do before she had children? But volunteering or something similar is a very good idea.
What about something at a school as she might feel comfortable doing this after raising children?

Who thinks she'd be happier working? Because if that's her saying all of it then I'd simply respond pointing out that even stupid people have jobs and friends. Not to suggest that she is, but that isn't a barrier. Plus if it's not about money just reassure get she can always quit, or look at seasonal work.

I'd strongly advice a careers advisor. A good careers advisor should offer 3+ appointments with a massive amount of forms to go through. By the end of the career counselling your wife should feel much more confident. A good careers advisor should also be able to help with the CV and or give advice with how to fill out job applications.

I had 11 years out of work and was terrified of starting work again.

I volunteered at my local library and eventually (after a year or so) applied for a job there.

I've made lots of really good friends and love my job. The money is an added bonus. Please tell her from me that it's fun going to work (part time anyway!)

Thx, I've suggested this but she thinks it's a waste of time so as if Im just trying to keep her busy and distract her so I can't see her going for it

Thx and that's the issue. She has a marketing degree from another country. English is her second language but she's fluent in English. She never really got her career going and had kids young so there's nothing she can focus on.

She's scared of failing. She was very successful at school and ambitious but coming to UK knocked her confidence and she doesn't want to just fill her time. She wants a career, but is reluctant to do the things to build the confidence as she doesn't see the point.

Ok thanks I haven't thought of that so will suggest it

Volunteering. I’ve been employed for over 10 years in the charity where I volunteered for 2 years before. I could have gone straight from volunteering to paid work on my first day there as I was offered a job by one of their competitors but like your wife, felt unskilled- like you wife I also had a supportive dh. I would avoid charity shops though- whenever I’m in them there seems to be bickering and power play going on between the staff. With a background in marketing your wife could volunteer as admin or fundraising in a charity.

Any age can do apprenticeship. That was one of my options when I was looking at venturing back into the workplace after 16 years. I didn’t get it and somewhere else wanted me (yay! 😌). Totally new area for me but having supported my 16 year-old son with autism through all education could throw at him, I reckoned I’d be up for the challenge of learning support in an FE college. Slightly daunting at the age of 50! Two years on I had the confidence to go for teacher training and I’m just coming to the end of my first year teaching English in the same college.
Baby steps… that’s what she needs. She’s bound to be apprehensive!

Don’t let your wife underestimate the skills in organisation and time management that she has gained raising your family; these are transferable skills. I would second volunteering - she could post on a local social media page that she has a marketing background and could anyone use a few volunteer hours; she may find she is much sought after…..

Thanks I think just knowing others have done it would help.

Thx I will try and suggest that.

That's the issue. She doesn't value herself in the workplace at all. She's built it up to be something much harder than it is. I'm sure it's easier than a lot of what she's had to do. I'll try and remind her that.

Has she thought about starting off not in a career type role where she may feel pressured, but a 0 hours contract in hospitality where if it all goes wrong you just walk away? Could that help build her confidence to get out the door and into a new environment, then go from there?

Could she get involved in something related to get experience of being a migrant? Does she have language skills? Are their organisations that support new arrivals near you? It seems the dislocation is key to her loss of confidence. Maybe addressing it head in would help her find a niche.

HER experience of being i migrant, that should read.

I know exactly how she feels. I’m an educated woman but after 2 years as a stay-at-home-mum, I went to an event for potential volunteers, someone asked me where I lived, and I panicked so much at being put on the spot, I couldn’t remember the name of my town!

She doesn't need you to fix this for her, she needs a sympathetic ear. She needs to do this herself.

Don’t make any more suggestions. Listen, give her a hug, and make sure whatever she eventually tries is logistically smooth, even if that means you have to make some sacrifices to your own timetable.

I think you may be right. We only talk about it when she gets low as life's busy and she seems fine I don't ask how she's getting on. I tend to nag rather than listen. I think I need to work on that.

You might encourage her to read some of the threads on the Mature Study and Retraining board so she can see that other people have been through the same transitions.

And I agree that some sessions with a professional careers advisor would be a good investment.

I know how she feels, I had 11 years out of work due to raising a family.
My DH too was very supportive but I felt he was nagging me which stressed me out.
It had to be something I was doing for myself, and in the end what motivated me was thinking about the future - what if something happened to DH, how would I support myself? Was I saving enough for my pension and paying my National Insurance contributions?
Also, being a SAHM whilst incredibly worthwhile is also a bit monotonous and I needed a change.

To start I volunteered in my children’s school - the kids really liked this and they felt proud their mum ‘worked’ in the school (they didn’t know I wasn’t getting paid!).

I then found a careers course specifically aimed at mums getting back into work - this was fantastic, it was free, I met other people like myself. I don’t know if there’s anything like this where you live.

I also did some short courses at my adult education college - this gave me ideas for what I was interested in, got me out of the house and meeting new people.

In the end I applied for a couple of jobs, and got offered the first one I was interviewed for! So I should have had more belief in myself.

This kind of course but depends if there is anything like it where you live:
https://successfulmums.co.uk/

Thanks for all the ideas. I'll think about what to do now.