Pulled DD out of school for good today...feel devastated for her.

[diresitu]

I have no idea why I'm writing this. Name changed.

My dd has been subjected to a lot of bullying and some racial remarks over the past six months of starting high school. I have seen a huge decline in her MH and after speaking to a few parents they warned me the school wouldn't do anything about it.

The school had a horrendous rep when dd first joined, but we were reassured they were turning things around and were getting huge investments from their academy to make the necessary changes needed. I have seen no evidence of any change.

DD was making friends and then there was a misunderstanding and they have recently turned on her. The bully from six months ago has never been punished. I pulled her out today because I couldn't watch it continue anymore.The response from the school hasn't been great. The receptionist rang me and just praised the school and said her dd was thriving there. She said she had moved from a terrible school that made her self-harm. I didn't even get a response from her HOY or her form tutor. I've never once met the head. No idea if any of this is normal or not...just comparing it to my school days and seems so different. The amount of children who are home schooled because of similar problems is also very high. I just can't stop feeling as if I'm failed her. Plans moving forward now are to home-educate. Does anyone does this? Anything I should be aware of? Advice? Social aspects? We have a lot of resources here and she'll be having lessons from private tutors to top things up...I just feel so so bad atm. Worried as hell for the future...

You have not failed her, the school and education system have failed her.

Lots of homeschooling accounts on Instagram to inspire you. If you look on FB there will be a home ed group for your city to help with the social side of things.

My dn is home schooled.
Hes never been to school.
He’s done 6 GCSE’s and will go to college in September.
His cousin was homeschooled and is at an RG university now.

There are good homeschool clubs, useful for support and more physical activities.
Dc don’t need as many hrs tuition as it’s one to one.
So many benefits.
Research what you need to be teaching and where you will need a tutor.
My db and his dw have successfully taught French, history and English and used tutors for science and maths.
Remember lots of activities can be used to teach a subject.
A trip on a narrow boat will teach physics, history, geography,English when dc writes about it and give physical exercise.

No you haven't failed her, you have done absolutely the right thing because the school has seriously let her down.

This is so tragic and I feel terribly for your daughter… I was bullied myself and you never forget those words, you’ve done the right thing to get her out.
I think you should still demand to see the Head and perhaps even make a formal complaint to the governors that no action was taken.

I do wonder if there is another school nearby that your DD could try? It would be sad if she spent her teen years feeling like she failed to make friends at school, if there is another school where she could thrive..?

I only say that because when I changed schools it was so much better and I was really happy!

You have not failed her, you have protected her from racism and bullying and will provide a safe environment for her to learn.

Look into online schooling if you're not comfortable doing it yourself. We had to pull our ds out of Year 7 after only a few weeks due to bullying. Best thing we ever did.

You would have failed her if you made her stay , look to the future now , your daughter must be so relieved to be free from that awful toxic place.
You sound switched on to how you will home educate her, this could be the best thing you have ever done.
My youngest is my last child in education and so far so good but if she were ever in the same position i wouldn't think twice about doing the same.

I would think you may need to both de school first. Both of you will be traumatised by the way this was not handled and those in traumatic state rarely learn at the same speed.
Go on day trips, have fun without the aim to keep up with others, make friends give yourselves a few months. Then find something you both want to learn about and go from there; books online museums. Etc.

I’m so sorry that your DD has had such a tough time.

Can I ask why you chose to homeschool instead of moving schools?

Tbh I haven’t heard many positive stories of children being homeschooled (apart from what the parents who do it will say) and I do think children benefit from being around their peers.

Perhaps you could homeschool her for a few months whilst her MH improves and then look at other schools that she can go to and then weigh up the pros and cons.

Tbh I haven’t heard many positive stories of children being homeschooled (apart from what the parents who do it will say) and I do think children benefit from being around their peers. @TeaParty4Me

this is really judgemental. Home
educated children get many many opportunities to be around peers as well as people of all ages on a daily basis.

Hi OP! How old is your daughter? I am an ex teacher and I home educate my two children. Who socialise on a daily basis.

I agree with previous posters get yourself on the Facebook groups - type in your area and then home education. As well as home education uk. Find local home Ed families and get out there and meet them!

My children have or do attend
forest school and allotment, home
ed gymnastics, home ed coding, home ed science, home Ed horse riding, home ed baking, home Ed free play, home Ed swimming, home Ed yoga (which I set up) meet other friends for playdates and many more. We have a local WhatsApp group with 45 families on. I’m in 4 WhatsApp groups.

OP - you and your daughter will have a lot of deschooling to do so take your time. There is no pressure at the moment other than to relax and to get her mental health into a good place. That should be your priority and it sounds like it is - you should be absolutely proud of yourself for supporting your daughter. Then have a sit down and chat together with your daughter about the approach you would like to take - ranging from unschooling to creating school at home and everything in between! Chat about what her passions are (and shared passions for bonding) and what she finds difficult etc.

You will both definitely have mixed feelings for sure. Going against the grain of society is an uneasy feeling. It rattles you - even if you know in your heart that is right for you!

So much literature is out there and inspiring instagrams! And podcasts like - stark raving dad life without school etc.

All the very best to you and your family

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really needed to hear the positives. Was at the gym earlier and it was certainly the best place for me to be.

I'm still upset and angry at the situation. I sent her HOY and form tutor an email this morning and they didn't even have the courtesy to reply. They just forwarded it to the receptionist who range me to praise the school.

I think my dd will be fine. She's actually quite a tough cookie but I do fear what this has done to her.

Unfortunately, I don't have the means to stop working completely and homeschool her myself. I spoke with my mum a few months ago, and thank goodness she is going to step in. So, it will be a mix of her doing the majority of the home ed, and me topping things up. She already has private online lessons for some things which we will also extend. This allows her to meet friends from all over the world and participate in things she enjoys.

Perhaps you could homeschool her for a few months whilst her MH improves and then look at other schools that she can go to and then weigh up the pros and cons.

I really wish it was that easy. I can honestly say, every single state school is oversubscribed in my area, and the surrounding areas too. It's madness. I did not have a choice with this school, it was either this one or nothing. Plus, the receptionist who rang me this morning was very quick to point out how her own dd was bullied so badly at another local state school that she turned to self-harming and almost took her own life. I couldn't risk placing dd into another state at the moment.

So your DD has two awesome strong female role models protecting and supporting her - I think she will be fine .

((Hugs)) I am really sorry you've had to take your daughter out of school when you didn't want to. You shouldn't have been forced into this. But it sounds like you are doing what you need to do.

If it's any reassurance, there are likely to be lots of other home educated kids in the area she can get together with. Socially, there are some benefits to being home educated. The ability to walk away from abusive situations is an obvious one. Another is that there's a healthy mixture of people of all ages hanging around together, which tends to reduce the extreme competitiveness found in large fixed groups where everyone is the same age, and that in turn makes for less nastiness. When kids are desperately trying to impress their peers to improve their own social standing, they may put others down. When bystanders live in constant fear of ostracism, they may feel unable to stick up for what's right.

It isn't that home educated kids are nicer by nature. But they are under less stress without the pressure-cooker school environment. People who feel safe and happy are more able to be authentic and kind.

I've home educated two kids, who are now 23 and 16. One has a learning disability. Both have always had plenty of friends of all ages and abilities. One did have a "frenemy" for a while (also home educated), but it was so much easier to work through that when they had space to get away from each other, adults on hand to ensure it didn't turn into full-scale bullying, and the possibility of working things out without a constant audience of their peers ready to egg them on and choose sides.

As a HE mum who's already home educated one dc and is currently HE-ing a teen with ASD/ADHD, learning difficulties and MH problems suffered from dealing with both academic and social aspect of school, I second all you've written.

Your daughter will be fine, OP. You're already on the right track.

Is it wrong of me to want to put my DD in a new dance school because I hate taking her to the one she is at now? I know the dance classes are all for and about her but I dread taking her. My anxiety levels raise at just the thought of going. I can deal with clicky mums but the mean mums and the mean dance teachers who look for any little thing to be able to give sarky comment are getting to much. It is also a 80 mile round trip. So I've been looking at schools closer to home. DD loves going and had made some amazing friends so I'm worried I will make the wrong decision. Realistically she wouldn't be able to maintain the friendship groups without being in the dance class because of the distance as I know their parents wouldn't drive the distance we do. She is a shy girl so its nice to see that she has made some good friends. I've tried ignoring and avoiding but some things I can't avoid, like being shouted at saying that I hadn't paid for costumes when I had. I'm not sure if I can put up with it for much longer but I don't want to take away from my DD something that she loves. Many thanks for reading my rambled, anxiety filled post

I've done a home ed course through centre if excellence and I have seen the light with regards to hone education! I couldn't be more excited.

Do the course!

Glad to hear you found it inspiring and you're looking forward to home ed! I haven't looked at those course materials myself as I didn't want to pay for it. However, knowledgeable people in the home ed community who looked at it said it was riddled with incorrect information about the legal situation in the countries of the UK and that it assumed a particular approach to home ed, whereas a broader range of methods are well recognised.

This was a couple of years ago, so the providers may have acquired more expertise and fixed their errors since then. However, I'd be wary of it, as they may not know their stuff - especially critical when it comes to the law!!

There's a wealth of information freely available from home educating parents. For example, the Education Otherwise charity has a website with good content for England and Wales. In Scotland, Schoolhouse is the go-to site. There are associated forums where you can ask questions, mainly on Facebook.

I woke up feeling much better this morning. I am glad I have decided to pull her out. A lot of other mums have reached out since and have mentioned their DC have been attacked, or have been bullied too...so dd is not alone.

@SwordToFlamethrower - Any chance you could send me a link to the course? I didn't mention this in my previous posts, but I am actually a qualified teacher myself (primary trained) but never went into the profession. I did my PGCE years ago, but it does help me to somewhat understand what I should be looking at.

Also, I'm not sure how good the education standards were at the school. I read their last report and their GCSE results were much lower than the national average. Also (this is going to sound v.v.snobbish of me!) but I received an email from her English teacher and she had spelt English with a lowercase 'e'. I slightly cringed at that 😬.

You’ve done the right thing OP but try to get some support as you’ll get some curve balls over the next few months eg education welfare, DD might start asking to go back - just need to be prepared. There’s a good Facebook group called Not Fine in School. What year group is DD?

What does your daughter want to do OP?

Everyone experience in home education is different. Each child needs are different. I also pulled my son out of school in November. Best thing I ever did. 6 months of no bullying, of being listened to and I’m finally beginning to see the child I thought I’d lost forever. Join your local home education fb groups and the big home ed fb group. Tons of advice there and you will find a new normal. Unfortunately 2 primary schools and secondary school all failed my son. I work in primary school and still feel that the educational system is broken. It’s failing too many children, Especially those with additional needs. Be proud that despite what the school did you have the confidence to fight for your daughter. That’s not failing that is being the best parent you can be.

My kids were home ed. We were led by their interest and more or less unschooled. One is now a nuclear chemist, one is head of science in a school in Bangkok, one is about to enter her Master's year in biomedical engineering and one is at college studying computer science. He will go to uni next year to study software engineering.
There's honestly no need to be worried about the future. Mine didn't do traditional qualifications, they have all done access courses or similar at college and gone to uni from there.

My advice would be to take it slowly to begin with. Don't jump in straight away. Your daughter (and you) will need some time to decompress and reset.

OP, you are not alone. I had to pull my DD out just after Easter. She was miserable.

But it has made a difference to our entire household. Her light is back, her curiosity and her interest in learning new things have returned and she is thriving now. This makes our family dynamics much better. It has been the right decision for us definitely.

It sounds like your DD has you and her grandmother firmly in her corner so I think she will also be fine.

Lovely to hear positive things about home education. I'm feeling so much better about everything today. My dd is really into art, space and making money! haha. She tells me constantly that she wants a job and is trying to make things to sell (She's only 11).I think she could be quite entrepreneurial, and is already making gifs and thinking about selling digital art. I'm kind of supporting her right now which a few ideas and projects that she has 😊.

She sounds great. Mine wants to be a roboticist. That's really helped her buckle down on maths! 😁

I'm still finding my feet a bit but DD is gradually starting to be able to work without me sitting next to her. I am only a little way into this as are you it sounds like and DH, who was HE, gave me a useful piece of advice. He says it's ok to take time to find your feet and that you do not have to mirror school. Once I took that in, it started to get a bit easier.