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Slept with exDHs best mate

28 replies

Forshameandyegads · 26/05/2023 18:39

STBexDH and I are recently separated (4months). We're currently still living together as finances don't allow seperate residences until the house is sold and there's some some work which needs finishing before we can do that (get building regs sign off on an extension).

Despite living together we are very much separated - seperate bedrooms, separate finances beyond mortgage and council tax/ bills. We have specific days we are responsible for the children etc. We have completely separate social lives etc.

Despite this, we are very amicable for the sake of the kids and a comfortable living environment.

I went out with work last night and got a bit merry. Whilst out I saw one of STBexDHs best mates that I've always got on with and once worked with. After my work colleagues left we stayed out chatting and drinking. And some how kissing and getting a taxi back to his where we had sex. I definitely consented to the sex, I'm not concerned about that, and we used a condom (he's a total man whore). But what do I do? Do I ask him not to tell exDH? Do I tell exDH?

Im single, he's single, so on one hand it's not an issue. But it also IS an issue and I think exDH but would be unhappy because of who it is. I don't want to make the living arrangements more difficult than they need to be, for the kids more than anything.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 26/05/2023 18:49

Eek what an awful situation. I mean obviously you shouldn’t have done it, but god knows how you manage it now.
I don’t imagine it’ll go down well. Is it likely to happen again or develop into a relationship? If not I’d just keep quiet about it.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/05/2023 18:51

Don't say anything to anyone and tell him not to either.

Whyx · 26/05/2023 18:52

I think you say, "hey, just wanted to say let's keep that between us unless it really needs to be mentioned. Just easier for all".

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Forshameandyegads · 26/05/2023 18:53

No, unlikely to be repeated and definitely not develop in to a relationship.

I'm very tempted to keep quiet, but do I ask him to do the same? If he's going to tell exDH, I'd rather do it first.

OP posts:
Azandme · 26/05/2023 18:54

Well this is going to get very messy very fast.

I'd say you just kissed goodbye to your amicable and comfortable situation. There's no way this will stay secret.

Weallgottachangesometime · 26/05/2023 18:55

Forshameandyegads · 26/05/2023 18:53

No, unlikely to be repeated and definitely not develop in to a relationship.

I'm very tempted to keep quiet, but do I ask him to do the same? If he's going to tell exDH, I'd rather do it first.

Surely he’ll want to keep it quiet. Im guessing his friendship would be over otherwise?
Only issue is if he’s a gossip and would tell others?

Unicorn34 · 26/05/2023 18:55

He's actually not one of his best mates - he wouldn't have done that with you if he was. You both know it was wrong but it happened. Keep it to yourselves as your STBXDH will find it much harder than how you're feeling about it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/05/2023 18:58

It's not got anything to do with anybody else. You're single and if your ex does find out, it's still got nothing to do with him.

WhoWants2Know · 26/05/2023 18:59

You say you're single, but...

You're a "situationship".

You're still living together and it's way too soon after deciding to split.

Forshameandyegads · 26/05/2023 19:08

WhoWants2Know · 26/05/2023 18:59

You say you're single, but...

You're a "situationship".

You're still living together and it's way too soon after deciding to split.

What's too soon?

Yes, I think situationship is a good description!

I've text him and said to keep it between us.

House is going on the market next month thankfully so soon it'll be done with I hope!

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 26/05/2023 19:12

Whyx · 26/05/2023 18:52

I think you say, "hey, just wanted to say let's keep that between us unless it really needs to be mentioned. Just easier for all".

Agreed.
The only person this will hurt is your ex.
So it's in both yours and this blokes interests to stay silent and just agree it never happened.

Forshameandyegads · 26/05/2023 19:23

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/05/2023 19:12

Agreed.
The only person this will hurt is your ex.
So it's in both yours and this blokes interests to stay silent and just agree it never happened.

Yeah, he's messaged back in agreement. I do think he'll keep to it.

OP posts:
Irequireausername · 26/05/2023 19:47

I think this will cause a lot of pain to your ex, separated or not. I'd be devastated if my DH slept with my bestfriend.
I'd have to really, really hate DH to do that him.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/05/2023 19:48

I can't believe you did this. It's utterly disrespectful to your ex & for a man you describe as a 'man whore' 🤮

Surely all your critical faculties didn't abandon you at the time of kissing him, before getting into the taxi & going back to his place?

SullysBabyMama · 26/05/2023 19:52

I slept with my husband’s best friend shortly after separation.
Obviously he didn’t tell his best mate as that would be the end of the friendship.
Obviously I didn’t tell ex as I don’t tell my ex’s who I have slept with after them.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/05/2023 19:54

Quite sad out of all the men you could have slept with, you choose his 'best mate'. I doubt you'd be happy if he slept with your best mate.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 26/05/2023 19:58

He has been 'unfaithful' or at least disloyal to his mate, so is unlikely to tell him. I'd keep quiet, but you'll both have to keep quiet for ever, which is a bit of an ask. If it does ever come out, just shrug and say it was no big deal.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/05/2023 19:58

SullysBabyMama · 26/05/2023 19:52

I slept with my husband’s best friend shortly after separation.
Obviously he didn’t tell his best mate as that would be the end of the friendship.
Obviously I didn’t tell ex as I don’t tell my ex’s who I have slept with after them.

Why on earth would you do that? His best friend?

Clearly not - shitty selfish behaviour by you both.

Surely you could have slept with, I don't know, a man unconnected to your ex? 😕

EarringsandLipstick · 26/05/2023 19:59

If it does ever come out, just shrug and say it was no big deal.

Can you imagine a man sleeping with his exW best friend, and on discovery just shrugging & saying it was no big deal?

MN would tear him apart.

Forshameandyegads · 26/05/2023 20:07

I do feel awful about it. I don't want to deliberately hurt him. It was a really stupid thing to do.

He's not the first person I've slept with since splitting up. And I know exDH has also slept with other people, though not my best friend and that doesn't make it any better.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/05/2023 20:10

I'm probably ill-equipped to comment. While I don't exactly want to sound judgmental, I can't understand either of you having sex with other people a couple of months out of your marriage and while you are sharing a house together.

The best friend scenario is another complication.

I suggest you really push to finalise matters so that you can properly separate.

About the BF, I just can't get my head around being able to do that, unless you actively hated your ex & were trying to hurt him

AutisticLegoLover · 26/05/2023 20:11

Ooooph. Awkward! Good luck!

toddlermom99 · 26/05/2023 20:12

100% do not tell him especially whilst you're still having to live together.

mindutopia · 26/05/2023 21:13

To be honest, I think it’s much more awkward for your ex’s mate than you. You are single with no interest in reconciling with your exDh. But can you imagine having sex with your best friend’s exDh and then still meeting up with your friend for drinks every week because you’re besties?!

How incredibly awkward for the two of them. I cannot imagine most guys wanting to share that sort of information with their best mate. Shagging some girl that your mate dated like 5 years ago for a week is one thing, but your bestie’s ex while they still live together is super uncomfortable. I expect you’ll be safe.

Forshameandyegads · 26/05/2023 21:20

mindutopia I think you're right, it's worse for him in lots of ways. Though also not great of me. I'd be much more annoyed with my best mate than ex if they slept together (they won't thankfully).

But yes, I won't be telling him and I won't be doing it again.

OP posts: