Feeling sad about friends

[Barrysmintybiscuits]

I've always felt lucky for the friends I have. Im part of a group of 4, then separate to that I have two best friends. I've always prided myself on how we all support each other, lift each other up, no nastiness or bitching behind backs etc, always celebrating each others successes. Real, solid friendships that go back years (some I've been friends with for over 25 years, others ~15 years).

However. A few weeks ago a family member of mine died (a grandparent). I let my friends know (I didn't just message them to tell them, I just mentioned it conversation in the week following when we were messaging anyway and they asked how I was and how my week was going).

However since then I've had no mention of it from them. They've not asked me how I am, they didn't ask about the funeral, so none of them knew when it was to message me on the day to say they hope it goes ok or even the day after to ask how it went.

I feel so sad about it. I have a complicated relationship with my family and don't really rely on them for emotional support and see my friends as part of my family that I've made for myself.

Not sure what I want to get out of this thread I just wanted to get my thoughts out I suppose. Maybe because it's a grandparent and not my actual parent or immediate family member or something that they haven't thought about it too much and how it's affected me.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think it could quite possibly be because it’s a grandparent. I’m at the age where a lot of people, including me, have had a parent die and that does seem far worse to me, but we’re all different and have a different relationship with our families. Perhaps you could let them know how sad you feel about your loss, rather than telling them how disappointed you are in them, and hopefully you’ll get what you need. 💐

Thanks @Bilingualspingual - just to clarify I definitely won't be telling them I'm disappointed! I won't be saying anything I'm just kind of ruminating on it. I agree that having a parent die would be worse, I'm fortunate that I haven't had that happen to me and I'm sorry for your loss.

I also think it's because it's a grandparent. I have similar friend groups to you but beyond a quick mention I probably wouldn't do more than your friends did.
If it was the loss of a parent I'd be far more pro-active offering help, sending a card, flowers and attending the funeral. I say that as someone who has lost both parents and grandparents and to me there was a huge difference to me, even years later the loss of my DPs is felt all the time.

I wasn’t trying to top trump you! But I mean if you want to open up a discussion, telling them how hard it’s hit you can invite them to respond. X

I think you've minimised it in their eyes by just dropping it into conversation. I can't imagine not telling very long-term close friends about a family death until they asked me how my week was.

It is so hard. Three years ago my OH died and I have had lovely support from family and friends who live around me.

But one very close friend (with whom we used to holiday in France every year when our children were younger) has really let me down - I find it hard to even think about it. They live about 60 miles away and, though they came to the funeral, have not been to see me since, and not invited me there. A month or so after the funeral, I rang them and the husband said "Did you want something in particular, M (wife) is in the garden?" What could I say? It truly hurts - I am left wondering whether they never liked me but put up with me for the sake of my OH. Sigh.

I am sorry for your loss and truly do understand the hurt when people do not step up as you might have hoped.

@Anaemiafog - I didn't expect a card or flowers or anything just a message I suppose but I see what you mean

@Bilingualspingual don't worry i didn't think you were tryin to trump me! :)

@GalileoHumpkins - I think you're right here. I've had a lot going on recently that has been causing a lot of stress that they know about and I suppose I didn't want to be like oh hi it's me again with more bad news about my life. So I just waited til we were next chatting in general to mention it but as you said that probably came across as not being too affected by it as I minimised it.

@Mischance I'm so so sorry to hear that. So sorry for your loss and for your friend being so inconsiderate and not being there for you 💐