Mum is dying

[SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName]

DM has terminal kidney cancer. Approx 6 months ago, we were told that she had "months, not a year" left to live.

As anyone would, she has really struggled with this and defaults to denial. I thought she would have come to terms or accepted this by now but she hasn't.

When she was diagnosed, she was asymptomatic which, I think, made denial very easy. She wasn't ill, or certainly didn't feel it, so the diagnosis didn't seem real.

At an appointment a few months ago, ina moment of acceptance, she was upset and asked the oncologist what would happen to her. The oncologist described the symptoms she'd start to experience.
She now has all the symptoms but won't accept they are cancer symptoms- she's blaming side effects of her treatment, which stopped 2 months ago, so it's definitely not that.

Her symptoms now are swollen legs, horrific nausea, weight loss and extreme fatigue.
When I google these, it says 'end stage kidney cancer'.

She is so strong and battles through being unwell, she always has.

I am not silly; I know we are running out of time, but how quickly?? Does she still have months left? Or would those symptoms indicate only weeks?

I'm losing my mum but can't talk to her about it as she thinks she'll beat it.

Does anyone have any experience? I know her death is coming but I'd like to have an idea of timeframe to get myself ready.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this.

Just about the funeral - to me, if people don't give their funeral wishes, it means that other things are simply more important to them. When the time comes you can do what's best for the living, knowing that your dm didn't want to think about it. I've lived to be grateful that my dh died so young, because he hadn't made his wishes clear in detail, and if they had conflicted with his parents' wishes i might have been stuck in the middle. It can be easier just to make decisions that work at the time.

You can contact your local hospice and ask them for support and advice for yourself. Perhaps if your Mum sees it helping you. she will accept that help and support for herself.

Our local hospice is launching a 24/7 helpline for people who need urgent advice when caring for the dying at home.

If no Hospice, try Macmillan cancer .

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum to cancer and it’s such a terrible thing to go through for the whole family too… just feeling helpless. The palliative care team in the community or from your local hospice are the people you need. These are highly skilled and often senior nurses who understand and can prescribe appropriate pain relief to manage the condition, often knowing more than most GPS given their specialism. I don’t know what I’d have done without them. That was 10 years ago and my daughter was so inspired she decided to do her nursing degree and is now a senior sister leading a community MAcMillan team. This is the best route for you I think…providing the best care for mum and also providing support for you two. Time is so precious especially now. Sending love to you all x
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Thank you @Betty65 . I'm sorry you went through this with your mum too. You must be really proud of your daughter

Hi, I just wanted to check in with you to see how you're doing? A random internet stranger (i.e. me ) is thinking of you.

I remember those tough last months with my mum, if there's anything you want to talk about please do.

I’ve just come across your thread and want to say how sorry I am that your mum- and you- are going through this.

My parents died of cancer 10 weeks apart. My Dad’s cancer was extremely fast and went to his brain (melanoma). By the time he was diagnosed, he didn’t have the mental capacity to understand his situation at all, so we never had these sorts of conversations with him.

Mum’s cancer was a slightly longer journey and didn’t impact her brain at all so she was fully cognisant of her diagnosis and outlook. She chose- mostly- not to acknowledge it. I don’t think she was in actual denial to the point of believing she was going to survive it. She knew, but chose not to talk about it for the most part. She made a couple of large purchases which my brother and I secretly raised our eyebrows at, feeling sadly fairly sure that she wouldn’t survive long enough to actually receive the items she was ordering (and she didn’t) but we obviously let her get on with it! I remember sitting in bed with her one morning, probably a month or so before she died, and her showing me brochures for river cruises that she intended to go on the following year with her sister-in-law. It was lovely in a way to sit and chat about the future she saw for herself, even though I’m sure we both knew she would be gone before then.

However, she did quietly tell me one day when she was in the hospice that she had written down some things about her funeral and so on and told me where to find her notes but the conversation didn’t go any further than that. Mostly she just wanted to chat about the garden and the grandchildren and so on. I think I sort of wanted (or felt I needed) to talk about the enormity of what was happening but I had to be lead by her, and she wanted to just talk about the everyday- the little things. I can see why really. She was always such a cheerful and wonderful person in life. Everybody loved her. She just wanted to keep on smiling and chatting right to the end. 💚

I hope you are all finding your way through this most devastating of times as best you can. 💐

So thoughtful of you @maz210 , thank you.

DM is no longer in denial. A trip to her oncologist to get most recent scan results on Tuesday this week has done that. She's under no illusions any more and has now been passed on to a palliative care team.

This has initiated some of the conversations mentioned upthread: she was asked if she wanted to be resuscitated, where she wanted to die. These are things I didn't think she could face but she has. She is being so very brave.

In terms of time, I don't know. She still hopes for 'a few months' but I can't imagine that, due to her quick decline.

Right now, I'm being practical - taking her to appointments, cooking high calorie meals and snacks, just being there.

Now I'm the one in denial - in a different way: I know she's going to die but it's like I'm just 'getting my head down' to get past this awful period which I know will be difficult, but then it'll go back to normal. That she'll be here, but she won't.

Thanks again for thinking of me

I'm sorry that you went through this, both so close together too.

DM has also bought things that will never be used, she talks of events to come - kids birthdays etc. Well, maybe she won't any more as she has now faced her prognosis.
But I think it's natural for some people . I think it's the only way they can get through it

@SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName, sad to read that your Mum has now been moved onto a palliative care pathway, but at least she will get the right care now, and it sounds as though it has helped her to accept her situation. People who work in palliative care tend to be absolutely brilliant at what they do.

This really resonated with me:

I know she's going to die but it's like I'm just 'getting my head down' to get past this awful period which I know will be difficult, but then it'll go back to normal. That she'll be here, but she won't.

I had forgotten that I’d felt like that, but you’ve explained it so well and I remember feeling like that. The illness and decline itself is so awful and there’s a sense that you’re all going through a torrid time and gritting your teeth to get through it, but that things will then be calm again. And in a way they will, but the person who is ill won’t be there anymore. It’s heartbreaking and very hard to come to terms with.

It sounds as though you are being a wonderful support to your mum and I believe that will be a huge comfort to you in the future. When I look back on my parents’ illnesses, I remember lots of awful moments, and how frightened I felt. But I also remember all the little things I was able to do for them to make things just a little gentler for them. Dying is another stage of life, a very important one, and one none of us can avoid. Being by someone’s side while they make this final journey can be rewarding and is a privilege. It probably doesn’t feel like it at the time for most of us, but in the years to come, it will bring you comfort. 💐

Thank you @waterlego . Thanks for getting it and for your kind and wise words. You've helped me, as I feel particularly low tonight.

Sending you virtual hugs @SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName. I hope you have someone there to give you a real hug. Can you find something daft/light to watch on TV?I absolutely know that nothing is going to make you feel better or change what’s happening but sometimes I found things like that could at least distract me for a while.