What’s your expectation of 11-year-olds at home?

[AtlasOfBirds]

DC 2 potentially has ADHD (DC 1 has a diagnosis and DC 2’s symptoms/behaviours are even stronger). I try to be supportive and understanding, but they’re off to secondary school in September and here are the things they forget to do every single morning:
brush teeth
brush hair
eat breakfast
tidy away their breakfast bowl
put away the milk/cereal etc (even though they have to walk past fridge and cupboards to leave)
get dressed until I ask them 6-7 times at least
be ready before the time they want to leave, not wait until that time before getting on shoes, finding bag etc

and at home time:
put away their school bag
put away their school shoes
empty their lunchbox and put it in kitchen
pick up any uniform they just strip off on any room and walk away from
pick up any book or toy they’ve played with them just dropped on the floor or stairs when they’ve become distracted

Also, they barely wash unless begged repeatedly, never open their own curtains, their room is a tip five minutes after it’s been tidied, and they hardly ever stop talking. They do try when we sit down and ask them calmly, but I fully understand their struggle.

Some of this is normal childhood stuff, some is ADHD, some I know frustrates me because it’s exactly like I was at that age and still often am. How can I make our mornings and evenings more relaxed and manageable? I really want them to build up their own methods and tools because they’re able-bodied if possibly ND, and I crashed horribly when I left home and had no idea how to run my life or take care of myself.

Are my expectations way off that they shouldn’t need reminding of a basic morning routine every morning by this age? (We’ve tried lists everywhere, timers, countdowns, plans and discussions.) Or is that just life in a family of potential ADHD-ers?

Please help with tips or (gentle) talking-to.
thanks

I think start small and build.

Before school - teeth and shoes on. Add in the rest once they've cracked that.

After school - bag and shoes away. Same with adding more in.

I am you 😂 And also fearful that my DC is exactly like me. Do you have a DH? DC is far more likely to get on with it if I'm at work and just him and DH, as he will not and does not prompt/interfere.

I have a neurotypical 11yo and honestly have to still remind him to do a lot on your list.

I now just rhyme it off without even checking and the odd time find him indignantly standing in front of me with his uniform on, teeth brushed, hair done and even both shoes on.

And then he goes back to square one the next day

His dad will leave stuff all over the place, drawers or cupboards open and abandon a task halfway so in DS's case it might be genetic and not from me!

Hi OP, I’ve no experience of ADHD but I have a 15 year old with downs and a 12 year old. The 15 year old is very routine oriented and works well with specific times, so ‘7am you get up and dressed, 7.30 breakfast, 8 is brush teeth, 8.30 is school bus’ Getting dressed straightaway was a big game changer as when we had breakfast etc first, the dressing part always seemed to take forever and result in us being rushed.

A chart where she actually had to tick off each chore (rather than a list to just look at) worked well too. And reminders on the Alexa which she has in her room. When she was primary age I would literally stand in her room and go through every stage with her so she couldn’t deviate or get distracted but by secondary age she’d sort herself out no problem.

My expectation would be that they get up, probably with some prompting from my side, put on clothes and go to school. If they don't eat breakfast that's their own fault. They go to school hungry once or twice and they'll soon remember to eat next time.

As for the coming home...my expectation would be that they fling their things somewhere I won't trip over them (if not, I'd remind them) and stay out from under my feet in whichever way they like until dinner time.

Empty their lunch box and put it in the kitchen? Lol, good luck with that. Dishes? Nah.

As for clothes dropped wherever, he'll, I'm 34 and my bra and trousers come off in the hall each day I get in. So I couldn't be a hypocrit about that lol.

Thanks all! And thank you @Retrievemysanity, some really useful things we haven’t tried yet.

DH is around and really helpful, but he’s not in the house for these crunch moments. I’m sure DC2 will develop these skills with enough repetition and practice but I’m projecting my own disastrous late-teens and twenties onto them and catastrophising, which isn’t fair.

They get so upset about running late every morning, but can’t put together that if you spend 30 minutes singing a made up song at the kitchen sink, suddenly you have less time for all the essential stuff!

We have a timer that goes off, which means please get dressed, brush teeth, then another one which means off to school now so shoes on and pack snack. It does work quite well?

I totally understand where you're coming from though. I feel as I learnt things in my mid thirties that everyone else did as a child;(

OP I totally understand. Got so angry with my twins this morning. When they started school I made "ready to go" cards with a picture of coat, bag, toothbrush etc. Maybe 4 things they needed to do. I handed them the cards when they had breakfast and when all items were done they handed them back and we said goodbye. These were literally made in 2 mins, just paper with some bad drawing. I was mostly inspired by DS who has aspergers but it worked really well for DS. It removed the need for me to speak and took away a lot of stress.

i must do an updated version as they are getting worse every day at the moment.

That should read " it worked really well for DD"

Yes, I expect my 11 year old to do all of that! However:

brush teeth - usually remembers but has not time to do it thoroughly
brush hair - we've given up, brush it in the evening, plait it and she runs with whatever it looks like in the morning.
eat breakfast - usually after much cajoling
tidy away their breakfast bowl - 🤣🤣 sometimes I leave it out to make a point and she puts it away when she come home
put away the milk/cereal etc (even though they have to walk past fridge and cupboards to leave) - only with several reminders but usually she "doesn't have time"
get dressed until I ask them 6-7 times at least - only 6;or 7?
be ready before the time they want to leave, not wait until that time before getting on shoes, finding bag etc - a work in action. Although I've designated the time to leave the house as 5 minutes before they would technically have to leave.

and at home time:
put away their school bag - usually DS does this as she dumps it in front of his stuff
put away their school shoes - yes, this is the only thing she does unprompted.
empty their lunchbox and put it in kitchen sporadically
pick up any uniform they just strip off on any room and walk away from getting better since I introduced laundry penalty
pick up any book or toy they’ve played with them just dropped on the floor or stairs when they’ve become distracted only when she doesn't want her brother to see it!

Also, they barely wash unless begged repeatedly, not an issue
never open their own curtains, their room is a tip five minutes after it’s been tidied maybe a day or two.

Ours is 13 and still have to say teeth shower etc haha on the other hand he loves housework and does it voluntarily haha

Our game changer was getting washed and dressed as soon as they get up. The hard part done straight away. Then breakfast and brush teeth. Also prep as much as you can the night before so clothes out, school bag packed and ready etc

I think your need to break it down a bit more and get them use to doing a few bits at a time. My neurotypical 10 yr old DD still needs to be told to go a wash her face, put all her breakfast away, get her water and her book.

I think for most kids neuro divergent or not it’s pretty normal to have to remind them to do these things at 11. I’d say by 13 they should have learnt to organise themselves better.
sometimes you have to pick your battles when you’re a parent. I have a disabled nearly 11 year old and I still have to help dress her, she can’t brush her own teeth and she wouldn’t be able to run her own bath let alone wash herself..so I’m pretty cool with having to remind my other kids what to do. As long as they CAN do it themselves that’s what important and if you find yourself stressing over simple things like this then how will you cope when the real s*it hits the fan in life.

This sounds like my 11 year old.

I have made him a list of what he has to do but he gets easily distracted.

I am so cross with my 10 yr old twins today I just had to look this thread up again! They are taking the piss completely at this point. I have to ask for every single thing to be done at home, they have daily and weekly jobs and are in a routine for these but they don't clean up after themselves and constantly leave a mess. I'm like a broken record - tidying up your own crap is not a chore! its just whats expected. For the coming summer months my DD and older teenage DS have been talking about having no money so I did up a list of jobs that i do with a value beside each one, like you get €1 (I'm in ROI) for cleaning a toilet but washing down the front door is worth €3 etc. I'm hoping the money is motivating, but no way am I paying someone to tidy up after themselves. They don't help cook or wash up or even clear up, just rinse their own plate and leave it there.

I told them today if they had lived in another era or place, they could be in full time employment by now so they are more than capable of it, do you really think the scumbags who employ children would have been happy with a half done job? They are capable just not motivated. If I told them to do X and then we'd get icecream it would be done, so they are making a choice to be lazy. I also think children with ADHD are just as capable, they just need clearer instructions and maybe more labelled boxes or drawers etc. Tidy up is too vague, I say this because my eldest has ADHD and had awful trouble organising himself. He is now in secondary school but the transition was hard, things like colour co-ordinated folders really helped - a green history folder and all history related items with a green sticker on the book bind.

There is no purpose to my post really, just having a rant. I will need to introduce stricter measures probably linked to screen time which means constant nagging and arguments every day for the Summer. The alternative, me doing everything is easier but just bad parenting really.

I have 11 yr old twin boys with ADHD... I swear we are no further forward approaching secondary school than we were approaching primary school only they now make more mess, as they appear to functional when it comes to getting off their backsides to get snacks but not when it comes to putting wrappers, apple cores etc more than an arms reach from where they are parked to eat them... shoes.. if we can even find where they discarded them its a win morning. Everything else just arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

I feel better now !

I feel your pain. My 13yo (eldest) is exactly the same, we also have ADHD in the family and I am starting the process of diagnosis with her.

Anyway what helps:
Single word instructions, routine - putting things away in the same place (still working on this), egg timer for some jobs, me helping with tidying (so saying books away, then clothes away etc to keep her focused), sitting with her to do her maths homework and scribing for her. She is also dyslexic so struggles with writing.

Also, strategies for keeping focused to do jobs include a motivator - eg first tidy/homework, then trip to town/see friends. Essentially a now and next system like used in school for some SEN students.

Keep an eye on your DC's weight if they forget to eat. DC1 is quite underweight and we now have strategies from the dietician which will hopefully help. Including recipes for high calorie homemade shakes.

Anyway, those strategies keep me and her sane-ish!

Dc1 is now 12 and has ADHD and so much of our daily routine and the organisation of our home is built around him.

We don't expect him to have a tidy room or open curtains. We do expect it to be safe, though, and we do go in an l and tidy it.

To a large extent, we have had to fit our home around him rather then try to make him fit into our home, so we moved the shoe box to where he remembers to take them off and put a coat hook on the wall next to where he keeps his bag so at least it's not on the floor.

We have a large white board on the cupboard that's the first thing you see when you walk into the kitchen/dining room and we write his list of tasks on there that he has to physically cross off.

He has reminders on his phone for his lunch time tablet and other things and that seems to work for him.

Wherever possible, everything happens in the same order at the same time every day so that it's so ingrained it's more difficult to forget about.

It's a lot of extra work and has meant we've had to alter our lives so much, but I suppose that's what the DLA is for.

I am 11 and have ADHD and this is the whole explanation of me.